“Hello, Ontario Ministry of Social Services. How may you help us?”
“What?”
“Ontario Ministry of Social Services…how may you help us?”
“Aren’t you the ones who are supposed to be helping us?”
“That’s what I said.”
“It is?”
“Yes. How may you help us?”
“No. Me. Me. How can you help me?”
“You people on social assistance! It’s always about you, isn’t it?”
“Umm…I just got my Welfare check.”
“So? You should be grateful to live in a country that takes care of its weakest members.”
“After paying rent, I have 37 cents a day. How am I supposed to feed myself and my two children on 37 cents a day? We end up not eating three days a week!”
“I know. The new rates are part of the province’s Marquis Programme. The Marquis Programme is intended to make the public feel like the poor are being treated like royalty.”
“But, the Welfare rate has gone down. How am I supposed to feel like royalty when I’m getting less than I used to?”
“Please pay attention – I have a lot of calls to field and I can’t waste time repeating myself. The Marquis Programme is intended to make the public – that would be taxpayers – that would be people not like you – feel like the poor – that would be you – are being treated like royalty.”
“But, we’re not.”
“As long as the public thinks you are, who cares?”
“I CARE!”
“Sigh. Have you never heard of coupons?”
“With coupons, we still end up not eating two and a half days a week!”
“Well, there you go! Things are looking brighter already! Now, if you just apportion your non-eating days sensibly throughout the week, you should be able to survive with a minimum of suffering.”
“You enjoy this, don’t you?”
“Public service is a marvelous thing.”
“But, you’re not helping me.”
“No, but think of all of those unfortunate people who have to pay mortgages on their castles, or who cannot afford a home in Aspen or…or a second yacht. Do you know what it’s like to lose half the value of your investment portfolio in a week? Have you no empathy for their suffering? Don’t you think they deserve a break from your insatiable need to eat every day?”
“This is insane.”
“If you don’t like being on Welfare, you should have done more to get off it.”
“I was! I was taking classes in dental hygienistry. I was nine credits away from graduating when your government made it illegal to be on Welfare and get financial aid to go to school.”
“Ah. I see what the problem is. When I said you should have done more to get off Welfare, I meant you should have done more on your own to get off Welfare. A small, but important difference.”
“Dammit, I can’t live like this!”
“What are you saying?”
“I’ll kill myself! I swear – I won’t keep on living like this!”
“Oh., I cannot council suicide, seeing as it’s against the law and all. Still, if that’s your choice…”
“You want people to kill themselves?”
“I know it’s hard, but try looking at it from our point of view. If more poor people killed themselves, there would be less of them on Welfare, and at a cost to the taxpayer that was substantially less than actually having to fund workable programmes.”
“That’s nonsense!”
“Yes, but it’s very common. Why do you think it’s called the Common Nonsense Revolution?”
“This is a nightmare.”
“If that’s all…”
“My phone service will be cut off in a couple of hours.”
“More money for food!”
“How will I get in touch with you if I need to?
“You can always come into the office.”
“The nearest branch is 200 miles away.”
“Just as well – we’re cutting back on staff, anyway. Now, was there…anything else?”
“Would you care if there was?”
“Then, thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. Would you mind taking a moment to rate your service under the Marquis Programme?”
“It should be called the Marquis de Sade Programme!”
“That was the original name, yes. Unfortunately, a lot of people objected to it. Go figure. Still, don’t spread it around, okay? Hello? Hello? Hello, Ontario Ministry of Social Services. How may you help us?”