Ontario goes to the polls: Ontario Premier Ernie Eves accuses Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty of being the missing link. “Do you really want somebody who cannot even make up his mind whether he is a neanderthal or a homo sapiens running the Province?” Eves asks. Clearly, an election is in the offing.
Ottawa goes to the dogs: charges against two Intelligence Ministry officials in the death of Iranian-Canadian photojournalist Zahra Kazemi have been dropped, with Iran suggesting the case needs more investigation. Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham claims that the Liberal government takes the case very seriously, stating: “We could send the Iranian government a sternly worded communique, or we could send the Iranian government a strongly worded communique or, if the situation demands, we could send the Iranian government a harshly worded communique. We’re still considering our options…”
Washington…should just…go…: Secretary of State Colin Powell asks the United Nations to send troops to Iraq even though the United States has no intention of ceding control over the country. “I hope you do not intend to play politics with American lives,” Powell tells Security Council members France and Germany. That sound you hear is a thousand bureaucrats slapping their foreheads with their palms.
From a used car lot at Steeles and Dufferin, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.
It starts with a bad pun, it ends with a bad case of indigestion. Are you sure about the safety of the meat you eat? But, really? Are you sure? Health reporter Sylvia Ferberance doesn’t think you should be…
“Deadstock. Not a benefit concert for medical research into resurrecting the dead featuring the Rolling Stones, deadstock is the term used for animals who die a natural death (as opposed to animals who die a violent death at human hands, who are known as dinner). It is illegal to sell meat from deadstock to humans because it may be diseased, unhealthy, sickly, delicate, unsound, ailing, infirm, unwell, poisoned, dirty, polluted, tainted, impure, contaminated, defiled, putrid, rotten, decaying, fetid, foul, decomposing or otherwise, well, you get the picture. Yet, 10 dead animals were butchered illegally at the Aylmer Meat Packers plant while provincial investigators looked on. ‘This is an outrage I intend to get to the bottom of!’ Premier Eves claimed, stuffing articles about how the Province cut the number of meat inspectors from over 100 to 8 into a shredder as fast as he could. I don’t know about you, but I’m becoming a Vegan. For The Irrational, this is Sylvia Ferberance reporting from Toronto.”
As Queen’s Park reporter Anson Bergecheck recently discovered us, old politicians never die – they just stop holding photo opportunities.
“As voluntary chair of a children’s charity called Ontario’s Promise, former Premier Mike Harris has billed taxpayers for weekend flights to North Bay, office expenses and renovations, a subscription to four newspapers and snacks like Peek Freans cookies. He has billed the province $45,000 since leaving office, despite having an $800,000 pension, working for a prestigious law firm, being a senior fellow at the Fraser Institute and making $40,000 annually as a director of auto parts manufacturer Magna. ‘This is outrageous!’ complained Herbert Frump, spokesperson for Streetpeople for a Better Awwrrr-ack Glub Glub Get Arrfa Me. ‘I coulda redecorated the bus shelter with that money. Ooh, the things I coulda done with purples and beiges!’ ‘Still,’ Hermione Frump, also a member of SBAGGGAM, added, ‘what I wouldn’t give for a Peek Freans!’ Harris could not be reached for comment, but he’s never shown any propensity to embarrassment – or even self-awareness – so his reaction is totally predictable. This is Anson Bergecheck for The Irrational.”
We know you more or less completely lost interest in what’s happening in Iraq after the bombs stopped falling, but if you can tear yourself away from rumours of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s impending divorce for just a moment, Germaine Tims-Stimson has the latest on Democracy – Middle East Style.
“Iraq’s Governing Council has appointed a cabinet of 25 ministers, including, surprisingly, Ibrahim Mohammed Bahr al-Uloum, son of a Council member, as Oil Minister. Ooh, aren’t you just the cutest! Coochie coochie coo! You are so adorable when you act as if you actually run your own country! Who is Amewica’s favouwite widdew puppet govewment? Yes! That’s right! You’we Amewica’s favouwite widdew puppet govewment! This is Germaine Tims-Stimson – aww, look! The Council smiled at me! – reporting from Baghdad.”
The problem with justice in the next world is that it cannot be seen to be done – or, can it? Eldred Cleavuntoer reports.
“Former Presbyterian Minister Paul Hill, who was executed yesterday for the shotgun murders of an abortionist and his bodyguard, said that, ‘I believe the state, by executing me, will be making me a martyr.’ At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter just shook his head sadly. ‘What part of “Thou shalt not kill” did you not understand?’ Peter asked Paul, adding: ‘Have you ever been on an amusement park water slide? Have you ever wanted to know what it was like? I’m about to send you on the biggest slide in the universe – try not to whimper like a baby.’ For The Irrational, this is Eldred Cleavuntoer reporting from Cloud Nine, Heaven.”
Nice assignment.
Public protests, greater awareness of the causes of obesity, former Ronalds writing tell all books – it’s been a rough ride, of late, for McDonald’s. However, as trade and commerce correspondent Monique Moosehead reports, the international fast food conglomerate is fighting back.
“In the aftermath of a decline in sales and profits, McDonald’s Corporation is taking serious measures to improve its business: it’s launching a global ad campaign. The centrepiece of the campaign is a new slogan: ‘I’m lovin’ it.’ Within minutes of the unveiling of the new slogan, parodies began appearing, including: ‘I’m leavin’ it;’ ‘I’m hatin’ it,’ and; ‘I’m Geert Lovink it.’ Representatives of McDonald’s admitted that the parodies were not as numerous as the parodies of its last slogan, ‘We love to see you smile’ (which included the titles of at least three hardcore porno films), but were confident that the chain’s continued international dominance of the fast food market would make it a primary target of satire for decades to come. From New York, this is Monique Moosehead.”
Arts reporter Eloise Tendentious has had a hate on for Bill O’Reilly since her called her a “washed up arts hag” during coverage of the 2000 election campaign. By all rights, we should not allow her to report on him, but she’s just so darned amusing when she does that we can’t help ourselves…
“On March 18, 2003, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News stated, ‘if the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it’s clean, he had nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again.’ It has just been revealed that O’Reilly has had an apology prepared for the last three weeks, but has been forbidden to air it by the Association of Pundits, Prognosticators and Logistical Engineers. ‘If one of our members actually admits to having been wrong,’ APPLE Chief Steward Hartley McFlail told The Irrational, ‘it would jeopardize the right of all of our members to pontificate without onerous reference to reality. It could destroy the industry!’ With a boyish grin, O’Reilly said, ‘Sorry,” and accused the candidates for the Democratic Party’s presidential ticket of mass cannibalism. This is Eloise Tendentious reporting from New York.”
Later in the broadcast, despite the fact that police departments across Canada query the Federal gun registry around 15,000 times a week, Ontario Public Safety Minister Bob Runciman stands by his claim that the registry is “meaningless” in fighting crime. Will Runciman stop shooting his mouth off, or has he shot the Tories in the foot once again? Jason Petersburgovitz takes his best shot at answering the question. Stay with us…