by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
The Extreme Court of the United States of Vesampucceri has agreed to hear the case of Miami, Floriware v Eliasmithjones.
If you’ve been living under a rock for the past couple of years (and I wouldn’t blame you – the rents are almost affordable and the lack of WiFi means you can’t be trolled on social media), Grummond Eliasmithjones was a wealthy land developer (whose ad campaign, “I am death, destroyer of ecosystems,” won a Clio for “Scariest Tag Line of the Year – Hell, of the Decade!”) who drank a little too much one night while celebrating his part in the official extinction of the hairy-legged snowy egret. On the drive back to his mansion, he thudded into something and dragged it home with him. The next day, he was arrested for manslaughter, failure to stay at the scene of an accident and wearing a white bathrobe out of season while answering the door.
“The guilty verdict was a travesty of justice,” commented Alina Habbadabbadoo, the spokeshill of Eliasmithjones’ legal team. “And the white bathrobe charge was just insulting.”
Habbadabbadoo said that the legal team felt good about the chances of their appeal, given that the victim, Plantain Gonzalleandru, had only been conceived nine weeks earlier. “He was barely the size of a kidney bean. His spine and brain were in the very earliest stages of development! He – oh, ha ha! Very funny. No, that would not make him the perfect Reduhblican Congressman! He was just developing eyelids, but his eyes had no colour. He could not be considered a human being for purposes of – would you mind taking video of me from over there? Thanks – that’s my good side. Now, where was I?”
Where the lawyer was didn’t matter to Judge Eileen Krapptasticlastaupe, who only needed 37 seconds to determine that Floriware’s fetal personhood law applied in the case and found Eliasmithjones guilty. For those of you who have been living in a cave for the past few years (I don’t judge: it’s roomier than living under a rock, and you hardly ever have to contend with itinerant bears looking for a place to get out of the rain), 13 states have laws that say that a fetus is human the moment it is conceived. If dividing cells are somebody, then all of the laws of a state apply to them: fetuses can’t punch horses on the street, you can’t sell fetuses cigarettes, and if you kill the cells, you can be charged with murder.
Eliasmithjones’ lawyers are appealing the guilty verdict on the legal grounds that the concept of fetal personhood is “so nutzoid that it could only have come from the Upsy Daisy!”
“Yeah, no, I don’t think the Extreme Court is gonna find that line of argument very appealing,” stated former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. “And yes, as any lawyer familiar with the Carseinlinfelder Doctrine will tell you, puns are always intended. You have to keep in mind that this was the court that overturned Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday, paving the way for state fetal personhood laws. And, anyway, Justice Browninpanforsix-Jackshithappenson is probably the only person on the court who will recognize a reference to Stranger Danger Things, so I don’t expect the court will be swayed by the argument.”
“Those weren’t just dividing cells,” countered Moms for Momhood founder Tina Drivesintoadich. “They were dividing cells with a future. Those dividing cells could have been born to be a lawyer with seven children of his own, children who were forced to wear masks by a government drunk on its own power under the pretense of ‘public health,’ children who would be indoctrinated in public school to love fluoride and hate Vesampucceri! Uhh…yeah. Well. Ahem. You get what I’m saying. Those dividing cells had a name. It was Robert. You can’t tell me that’s not a human life.”
No, but we can tell you that there is no record that the fetus was ever given a name. In fact, there’s no evidence that the gender of the fetus was known. There’s some world class wishful thinking going on, there.
“I can’t help but feel that this story is missing an important element,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there’s something. I know it’s five foot seven, dyes its hair pink and rhymes with ‘smother,’ but other than that, I’m stumped. If it comes to me, can I get back to you?”