INT. SUDIO – DAY
SEAN HANNITY and CHRISTINE O’DONNELL sit opposite each other at a desk. Behind them is a chroma key image of a bustling newsroom intended to give the viewing audience the mistaken impression that what they are watching is journalism.
SEAN HANNITY: My next guest is Delaware RepubliTea Party Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. Christine, you’re awesome. Could you be any more awesome?
CHRISTINE O’DONNELL: If I was, Sean, it would probably hurt!
HANNITY: But, seriously, Christine, is this just a surface awesome? I mean, honestly, how deep does your awesome go?
O’DONNELL: Well, Sean, we haven’t started drilling yet, but sonar indicates that it’s awesome as far down as anybody cares to go!
HANNITY: I would go down deep to plumb the depths of your awesomeness, Christine!
O’DONNELL: (giggles) Oh, Sean!
HANNITY: Now, seriously, seriously, Christine, do you – URK!
Hannity’s eyes bulge and his body stiffens. Pause.
O’DONNELL: Yes, Sean?
MECHANICAL VOICE: But. Seriously. You. Have. Stated. That –
O’DONNELL: Sean, are you okay?
MECHANICAL VOICE: I. Am. Fine.
O’DONNELL: What…what happened to your voice?
MECHANICAL VOICE: I. Have. A. Cold.
O’DONNELL: A cold? That was quite sudden, wasn’t it?
MECHANICAL VOICE: This. Studio. Has. A. Draft. Shall. We. Continue. With. The. Interview?
O’DONNELL: Umm…okay.
MECHANICAL VOICE: You. Have. Stated. That. You. Want. To. Slash. Government. Spending. While. Maintaining. Popular. Social. Programmes. Cutting. Taxes. And. Reducing. The. Federal. Deficit. While. Increasing. Military. Spending. How. Can. You. Keep. All. Of. These. Promises?
O’DONNELL: I have a magic wand.
MECHANICAL VOICE: A. Magic. Wand?
O’DONNELL: A magic wand.
MECHANICAL VOICE: That. Will. Resolve. All. Budget. Issues?
O’DONNELL: That puts people to sleep whenever the budget is brought up. Then, they magically awaken when I call my opponent a socialist scumbag whose party is destroying the country.
MECHANICAL VOICE: I. See.
O’DONNELL: My magic wand is fuelled by the three “a”s: anger, apathy and ignorance.
MECHANICAL VOICE: Ignorance. Does. Not. Begin. With. The. Letter. A.
O’DONNELL: It’s appalling.
MECHANICAL VOICE: Oh. In. A. Recent. Campaign. Ad. You. Claim. That. You. Are. Not. A. Witch.
O’DONNELL: I thought we weren’t going to discuss that, Sean.
MECHANICAL VOICE: But. In. Light. Of. Your. Admission. That. You. Have. A. Magic. Wand. I. Thought –
O’DONNELL: (huffy) I’m not prepared to discuss that, Sean. Really! Didn’t you ever make out with somebody on a blood-stained Satanic altar when you were just a kid?
MECHANICAL VOICE: No.
O’DONNELL: (angry) Well, forget about it! It’s ancient history! Let’s move on!
MECHANICAL VOICE: Oh. Okay. You. Have. Been. Running. As. A. Tea. Party. Outsider.
O’DONNELL: (smiling again) That’s me. Miss virgin to politics.
MECHANICAL VOICE: But. Is. It. Not True. That. You. Have. Been. Part. Of. The. Social. Conservative. Movement. For. Over. A. Decade. Preaching. That. Masturbation. Is. A. Form. Of. Infidelity. And. Advocating. False. “Cures.” For. Homosexuality?
O’DONNELL: (drops smile) Okay, so I’m a born again virgin to politics. What’s it to you?
MECHANICAL VOICE: When. You. Get. To. Washington. Won’t. You. Fall. In. Line. With. The. Same. Republican. Policies. That. Over. The. Past. Thirty. Years. Have. Brought. The. Country. To. The. Brink. Of. Destruction?
O’DONNELL: Okay, buster, who are you?
MECHANICAL VOICE: I… I. Am. Sean… Hannity.
O’DONNELL: You are so not Sean Hannity! Sean Hannity wants to talk about my awesomeness for 20 minutes, not actual issues! Sean Hannity lets me fundraise on his show without actually having to say anything of substance! I have been on Sean Hannity’s show before, and you, sir, are no Sean Hannity!
MECHANICAL VOICE: I. Am! I. Am. Sean –
Sean Hannity’s body slumps forward, his head hitting the desk with a loud THUMP! On his back is a mouse with a glass bubble around its head that is large enough to hold a human brain.
O’DONNELL: Oh, my god, it’s true! Stem cell researchers really have created a mouse with a human brain!
MECHANICAL VOICE: No. Christine. O’Donnell. It. Is. Not. True.
O’DONNELL: But…but…but, here you are! You’re proof that it is true!
MECHANICAL VOICE: No. This. Is. A. Dream. Your. Subconscious. Mind. Is. Punishing. You. For. Believing. So. Many. Foolish. Things.
O’DONNELL: (sobbing) No! No! You’re real, I tell you! Real!
MECHANICAL VOICE: Just. Click. The. Heels. Of. Your. Red. Shoes. Three. Times. And. Say –
INT. CHRISTINE O’DONNELL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
O’Donnell sits bolt upright in bed. An UNIDENTIFIED MAN lies next to her.
O’DONNELL: Whoa! You would not believe the dream I just had!
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Unf blurg fumf?
O’DONNELL: No shit! I’ve got to phone Sean Hannity and warn him about the mouse with the human brain who wants to take over his show!
FADE DEMOCRACY TO BLACK