by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion/Existentialism/Fairy Tale/Philosophy Writer
As the world gets darker, I thought it would be a good time to talk about the state of things with the Prince of Darkness, the Lord of Lies, Restarte the Flatulent, the Devil. We spoke over tea at Trader Moe’s, the commissary in the offices of the Alternate Reality News Service.
THE DEVIL: (tetchy) I asked for hot tea.
THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE: It is hot. There’s steam coming off your cup. My tea is scalding!
THE DEVIL: (cold) You do know who you’re talking to, don’t you?
ARNS: (chastened) Oh. Right. Sorry, sir.
THE DEVIL: (waves it away) We live in decadent times. We all have to make do…
ARNS: Speaking of which, you must be feeling pretty good about your work right about now…
THE DEVIL: (shrugs) I’ve been here before. Some do-gooder always swoops in at the last moment to save the day for humanity. One doesn’t want to get one’s hopes up.
ARNS: Are there any signs that make you hopeful?
THE DEVIL: It seems that most of the do-gooders have multiple year contracts on cable news networks, so they may be too busy to save the world.
ARNS: They say that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to make people believe he didn’t exist. I wonder –
THE DEVIL: They’re idiots.
ARNS: I’m sorry?
THE DEVIL: Show me one person who doesn’t believe that I exist.
ARNS: Well, umm, what about…atheists?
THE DEVIL: Really? That’s the best you’ve got. Show me an atheist who doesn’t use a phrase like, “The devil is in the details,” or “What the devil is that?” or, “The devil made me do it.” The devil made me do it, even though they claim not to believe in me. Honestly, I wonder some times if you mortal beings listen to what you say, or if you just like making noises with your mouths!
ARNS: Oh. Well, uhh, if not that, what do you think your greatest trick has been?
THE DEVIL: Making the world believe that a genocide didn’t exist.
ARNS: You’re talking about Gaza?
THE DEVIL: No, I’m talking about Brampton. (beat) Of course, I’m talking about Gaza!
ARNS: Have you been to Brampton lately?
THE DEVIL: Okay, I will admit that Brampton may have been a bit of a test run. Still, can we focus on my greatest accomplishment, please?
ARNS: Sure, sure. What makes the Genocide of Gazans your greatest trick?
THE DEVIL: Are you familiar with the story of David and Goliath?
ARNS: Umm…
THE DEVIL: Giant battles little guy? Oddsmakers say don’t bet against the giant? Little guy gets off a lucky shot and wins? I lost a lot of shekels that day, lemme tell you! Been used as a metaphor for one-sided battles for centuries? Surely, you must have heard of it (and I’m not calling you Shirley!).
ARNS: Yeah. Right. Of course. So, what about it?
THE DEVIL: Israel has one of the most advanced militaries in the world. It is waging all out war on a population that is 90% civilian, and whose military took a decade to plan a single attack. Yet Israel has convinced most of the world that it is David in this scenario.
ARNS: When you put it that way, it is pretty diabolical.
THE DEVIL: Thank you. I take pride in my work.
ARNS: So, how did you accomplish this trick?
THE DEVIL: It starts with having a lot of friends in journalism. Well…friends may be too strong a term – journalists have no friends. I have a lot of…clients in journalism. They ensure that the Israeli point of view dominates any public discussion. This allows Israel to kill and destroy in Gaza without any checks.
ARNS: But, after October 7, doesn’t Israel have a right to vigorously defend itself?
THE DEVIL: (grinning) Thank you for validating my efforts.
ARNS: That’s not an answe – oh, I see what you’re saying. Still, doesn’t Israel have a right to self-defence?
THE DEVIL: You know who else equated their aggression with self-defence?
ARNS: Oh, you’re not gonna reach for the Nazis, are you?
THE DEVIL: Please! You have such a low opinion of me!
ARNS: Well… (holds up hand)
THE DEVIL: (laughs) Okay. You have a point. But no. The answer is: every dictator ever. Vladimir Putin framed his attack on Ukraine as defending Russia against NATO. When the United States invaded Iraq, George W. Bush said it was to defend against weapons of mass destruction. They turned out to be imaginary, but the imagination is a powerful weapon.
ARNS: I see.
THE DEVIL: And I wouldn’t discount the Nazis. When Hitler invaded Poland, he claimed Germany needed it as a buffer against hostile European enemies.
ARNS: Aha!
THE DEVIL: What can I say? Some of my best friends are Nazis. We grok each other. Anyway, I am, as they say, in the details. The detail that really sold this accomplishment was redefining “antisemitism” to include any criticism of the state of Israel.
ARNS: What is so important about that?
THE DEVIL: Are you kidding? It’s a get out of genocide free card! Is Israel shooting five year-old children in the head? It doesn’t matter – you’re antisemitic for saying so. Has Israel deliberately targeted civilian infrastructure like hospitals and mosques? You’re antisemitic for pointing it out. Does Israel renege on the details of hostage negotiations, then blame Hamas? Are you getting the idea?
ARNS: But aren’t some criticisms of Israel motivated by antisemitism?
THE DEVIL: That’s what makes it so brilliant! Because some criticism of Israel is antisemitic, people don’t want to question when all criticism of Israel is labelled antisemitic. Not a bad trick, eh?
ARNS: I – what are you doing?
The Devil has set his finger aflame and is holding the cup over it.
THE DEVIL: You want to know how to make a proper cup of tea? Watch and learn, my friend. Watch and learn…