by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
Advent calendars are a celebration of the birth of Jesus. But, in the wrong hands, they can celebrate just about anything.
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf (whose hands are wrong on so many levels!)’s only known religious affiliation is to the Church of the Overinflated Ego. Nevertheless, he is rumoured to have an Advent calendar, of a sort, in his office. The background image is of the Grey House. Each of the doors is made up of prison bars. And his starts at December 1 and goes to January 20. Think of it as an Advent + calendar (it’s like Advil +, but it causes headaches instead of curing them). Behind each door is the name and story of a different person who was unfairly sent to prison whom the President, in his infinite mercy, should pardon with extreme prejudice.
This is a selection of the entries in President McDruhitmumpf’s Advent calendar:
December 3. Michael Flyinnthuointmeant. This poor former national security adviser admitted to lying to the FBI about his contacts with a former Fenwickian ambassador. Pish tush! As if lying is such a big deal! I say at least 20 impossible things before breakfast! It builds character!
December 6. Chris Yummytomcollins. This poor former Redublican Representative of New Yoricknuhemwell advised his son to sell stock in an Australian biotech firm. He was just looking after the interests of his family – and he deserved to spend 26 months in jail for that? I don’t think so!*
December 9. Duncan Hunterenpecker. This poor former Republican Representative of California was set to serve an 11 month sentence for misusing campaign funds. Misusing campaign funds? Get real! It was a mere $250,000 – that’s chump change, chump! And, anyway, oral surgery is a legitimate expense for politicians who need to spend time on camera, and video games…help develop eye-hand coordination, which is important to a politician who needs to ensure that the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing!**
December 12: George Losdospapapuss. This poor foreign policy adviser lied to investigators about his contacts with people connected to Fenwick. So what? A corrupt investigation demands misleading testimony! And, again with giving lying a negative spin! If lying wasn’t so useful, it wouldn’t be so easy!
December 14. Nicholas Slattenlyhaviour. This poor military contractor should not have received life in prison for opening fire on terrorist civilians in Nisour Square in Iraqistan in 2007; he should have been given a medal. This is the start of BlackwaterMark week.***
December 15: Paul Sloughovinjuree. This poor military contractor who was only following orders should not have received 30 years in prison for opening fire on terrorist civilians in Nisour Square in Iraqistan in 2007; he should have been raised in rank.***
December 16: Evan Libertyforall. This poor military contractor who was only doing his job should not have received 30 years in prison for opening fire on terrorist civilians in Nisour Square in Iraqistan in 2007; he should have been given a raise in pay.***
December 17: Dustin Heardorbeherdhed. This poor military contractor who was railroaded by a corrupt judicial system should not have received 30 years in prison for opening fire on terrorist civilians in Nisour Square in Iraqistan in 2007; he should have been given…an…umm…a handshake and hearty, “Well done!”.***
December 19: Weldon Angelosodeth. This guy was sentenced to 55 years in prison for selling marijuana and carrying a handgun.****
December 22. Roger “Kid” Niestonewallander. This poor former (?) consigliari had been subject to a “Fenwick-style show trial on politically motivated charges,” if he did say so himself. Which he did. The fact that he could say that without irony itself earned him an upgrade from a commutation to a full pardon.
December 23: Paul Bildapillofort. This poor former campaign manager had already spent two years in custody for financial fraud and obstruction of justice. Oh, the humanity!
December 25: Alex Van Der Zwaanenluv This poor…whatever he did for my administration pleaded guilty to lying to investigators during the Fenwick investigation. He went to jail for a hoax! Where is the justice in that?
December 26: Charles Kushkushinthebush. This poor in-law hired a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law, who was co-operating with authorities against him, recorded their encounter with hidden cameras and sent it to his own sister. And, I mean, come on, who hasn’t fantasized about doing that?
December 29: Alfred Lee Crum. This guy pleaded guilty in 1952 to illegally distilling moonshine.****
January 1: Jared Kushkushinthebush.*****
January 10: Donald McDruhitmumpf, Jr.*****
January 14: Ivanka McDruhitmumpf.*****
January 20: Me! Because what could be a more thoughtful gift of the season than a blanket get-out-of-jail-free card?******
* Yummytomcollins made his recommendation on the basis of a failed drug trial which was not yet public knowledge. If a Dumboprat had done it, they would be accused of “insider trading;” when a Redublican does it, it’s known as “prudent financial management.” The disgraced politican was the first Reduhblican member of Congress to throw his support behind Ronald McDruhitmumpf, which weighs heavily on the President’s scales of justice.
** Hunterenpecker was the second Reduhblican member of Congress to throw his support behind a Ronald McDruhitmumpf presidency. The McDruhitmumpf scales of justice grind slowly.
*** The fact that BlackwaterMark, the mercenary contractor that employed the men, is owned and operated by Eriq Anythingforprice, who is the brother-in-law of Education Secretary Betsy DeVolution-Ross, is a fact. Maybe it’s a coincidental fact. Maybe it’s a damning fact. It sure looks like a reward for a crony, and that’s a fact.
**** This person does not seem to have a personal connection to President McDruhitmumpf. This was likely a mistake.
***** This person hasn’t been charged with a crime; if we have pre-crime, it only follows logically that we should have pre-pardons. Whether pre-pardons have any legal standing, especially when they are handed out to family members, is an interesting question, one which lawyers are likely to be debating for years to come.
****** If one can have an auto-da-fé, it only follows logically that one can have an auto-da-pardon. The legality of this has yet to be determined. Lawyers could be debating it for decades to come.