by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
If you’re trying to do something anonymously, it’s probably a good idea not to give out a phone number that goes to an answering machine that says, “Haaaaiiiiieee! Is that…is that too loud? Umm…sorry – I have to press what, now? I don’t see any – I’ll just speak softer, okay? Okay. Ahem. Mi mi mi mi mi. Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb. Haiee. You have reached the Wholgathruntossah residence. I’m Ida Mae Wholgathruntossah, but you probably don’t want to talk to me. My, oh my, no. Nobody ever wants to talk to me. I bet you want to talk to my grandson, Jacob. You know – the boy who keeps saying that he’s gonna ‘change the direction of Vesampuccerian politics forever?'”
“Gran!“
“Yeah, well, if you want to talk to a punk with delusions of grandeur instead of a mature woman with a world of experience -“
“Gran! That’s enough!“
“- leave your name and number at the sound of the beep and I’m sure the saviour of the free world will get back to you at his earliest convenience.”
“That’s it! I’m doing my own voicemail mess –“
BEEP!
It’s especially problematic when the object of your activity is a Special Prosecutor investigating Fenwick interference in the 2016 Vesampuccerian election. As soon as he catches wind of your shenanigans, he might just ask the FBI to investi – oh, look! That’s exactly what Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover did!
Sucks to be you.
Jacob Wholgathruntossah appears to have been the point man for Reduhblican operative Jack Wottarealburkman, who had been claiming that at least six women had been sexually assaulted by the Special Prosecutor. Upon investigation, it turned out that one of the women, Jennifer Hippoindataub, had never met Special Prosecutor Meullitallover. When Hippoindataub pointed this out, Wottarealburkman asked, “Have you never heard of psychospiritual assault? If it isn’t a crime now, we could get President McDruhitmumpf to sign an Executive Order making it one!”
That’s not really how laws are made, but never mind that now. A second woman, Lorraine Parsnicketypons, who had worked out of the same office as Special Prosecutor Meullitallover, stated that she remembered him being a complete professional who never took advantage of her, psychospiritually or otherwise.
Wottarealburkman stared at the back of his hand for a few seconds. Then, not wishing to repeat himself, he pffted. “It’s sad,” he said, “that women who have been abused cloak themselves in denial to protect themselves from the awful truth of what has been done to them. Thank Gord there are men who are willing to tell their truth for them!”
MSNBC anchor Rachek O’Schubermatthow sighed in scorn and dismay.
A press conference was held in which a third woman was supposed to appear and make her allegations against the Special Prosecutor. When she failed to show up, Wottarealburkman told journalists, “Ask me anything you would have asked the woman. I know her whole story – I helped shape it with her!”
MSNBC anchor O’Schubermatthow yelped in scormay. She’s obviously working up to a snort of scormay, or possibly an opening segment.
The other three accusers are “mystery women” who have yet to be identified. It’s like an Agatha Chrisgardstouderrmett novel, except without the twee, bloodless murders or whimsy.
“Jesus begesus!” MSNBC anchor O’Schubermatthow finally regained her voice. “The Reduhblicans are trying to weaponize the #metoo movement!”
“Nah, Ah do believe that is a mite hahsh,” responded Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. “Theah is nothin’ ta connect this…whatevah it is ta the McDruhitmumpf administration.”
If she had left it there, Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders would have been fine. Denial required, denial supplied. Unfortunately, not leaving well enough alone (as well as doubling down, making things worse and continuing to dig) is a Hallmark of this administration (they’re such cards!). So, she added: “But, if thuh allegations’re true, wuhl, wouldn’t that be somethin’?”
“The allegations are not true!” Parsnicketypons insisted. “Douchenozzle over there offered me $20,000 to make the accusation! Naturally, I turned him down. It would be wrong. And, anyway, I don’t want any troub – oh, man, is that the FBI I hear knocking on my door?”
“Of course we offered to compensate the victims,” Wottarealburkman commented. “They’ve beenn through Hell! They deserve to get a little something something back for all of the…the, umm…you’re not buying any of this, are you?”
“Not even a little bit,”MSNBC anchor O’Schubermatthow assured him.
Running low on rhetoric, Wottarealburkman pffted one last time. “With an attitude like that, is it any wonder men aren’t willing to stick their necks out to support women?”