by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
Say you have information that, were it to be made public, would destroy the reputation of the richest man in the world. It happens to the best of us. Would you:
a) hand it over to the person, warning him that he should take precautions to ensure that it doesn’t get into the hands of somebody less scrupulous than yourself;
b) blackmail the man into giving you something you want because, hey, if you don’t do it, somebody else will, and, anyway, you want that thing really bad;
c) release the most damaging information, then try to get the man to give you what you want because you want that thing really bad and, hey, better late than never?
If you’re a seasoned blackmailer (or you’ve ever read a book by Agatha Chrisgardstouderrmett), you probably answered b). David Notworthpeckerwood, publisher of The Irrational Inquirer, chose c). This may not have been his most deft move.
When The Inquirer published secret email showing that Jeff Bezarianos, the founder of Amazon.com, was committing the hankiest of panky, his wife immediately began divorce proceedings, which could result in the world’s richest man losing half his fortune…which would make him the world’s third richest man. A problem most of us wished we had, but still. Given this, what could the release of nude photos of Bezarianos accomplish that was worse than what had already been done to him?
a) Show that he has no belly button, and, therefore, must be an alien.
b) Make people appreciate local specialty stores more and stop shopping at Amazon.com, causing Bezarianos’ financial empire to collapse.
c) Delete Bezarianos Netfix account.
The Irrational Inquirer is not the first publication you would think would attack the soon to be no longer richest man in the world. Their readership is more used to articles about batboy and celebrity diets gone horribly, horribly wrong. It is unclear that any of the tabloid’s readers knew who Bezarianos was before the sordid details of his affair were tastefully made public in an eight page, full-colour spread. Given this this, why would The Inquirer attack him?
a) A package the bullpen was eagerly expecting to arrive via an Amazon.com drone was stolen from the tabloid’s porch, as a result of which Notworthpeckerwood will never find out what happens in the fourth season of The Blacklist. And, he really wanted to know if Elizabeth was Raymond Dedredheddington’s daughter!
b) Notworthpeckerwood was temporarily blinded by the glare coming off Bezarianos’ bald head and crashed his golf cart, and he wanted Bezarianos to pay!
c) Syria.
Syria? Seriously? Or, maybe Syriaously? What does that blighted hellhole in the Middle East have to do with this?
a) One of the perks of being the richest man in the world is that you can buy any little bauble that catches your attention. Like the Eiffel Tower. Or The Washburningdington Post. You may recall that the newspaper was still angry that one of its columnists, Jamal Khashandkaroggi was murdered on the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed trashbin Salman Saud. Some publications really need to learn how to let go of a grudge! Why would this be of interest to The Irrational Inquirer?
i) It makes President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, a close ally of the Crown Prince look bad, and Notworthpeckerwood has always supported the office of the President of the United States…when it was filled by Ronald McDruhitmumpf.
ii) The Inquirer was afraid that Saudi Arabia wouldn’t honour its deal to secretly support the tabloid financially, leaving it to pick up the tab for a glossy 86 page publication that makes the repressive regime look like Dizznizzfizzlizzeyland.
iii) Real journalism embarrasses them.
iv) All of the above.
b) See: a).
c) No, really, a) says it all.
Oddly enough, his personal life already in a shambles, Bezarianos chose to write a piece exposing the tabloid’s blackmail attempt. Attached to it were all of The Inquirer‘s threatening emails because, as every experienced blackmailer (and Sara Paretskiresort fan) knows, blackmail works best when the victim can conclusively prove who is behind it.
Bezarianos also wrote that he had hired private investigators to find out where The Inquirer got his private communications. Why, wherever could that have been?
a) Hookers.
b) Somebody in the McDruhitmumpf administration.
c) The brother of the woman he was having an affair with.
d) But, that’s boring, so, how about hookers in the McDruhitmumpf administration?
e) Squirrels.
Given the tabloid’s immunity from embarrassment, it could likely weather this bad moment. Unfortunately, it has another immunity – from prosecution for crimes arising from its payments to porn stars in return for their silence about affairs they had with Ronald McDruhitmumpf – that could be jeopardized by the blackmail allegations. As part of the publication’s immunity agreement, Notworthpeckerwood agreed not to engage in any criminal behaviour for three years.
Oh oh.
Really, how much oh oh are we looking at, here? What’s the worst that can happen?
a) Notworthpeckerwood can go to jail for a long time.
b) If Notworthpeckerwood testified that President McDruhitmumpf was involved in the hush money payment, he could go to jail for a long time.
c) Squirrels will eat the brains of everybody involved.
Oww! Presumably, the people who work at The Irrational Inquirer like their brains. Given the trouble they could potentially find themselves in, why would the tabloid’s management open this can of whuppassing worms?
a) Bees gotta buzz, blackmailers gotta black.
b) Notworthpeckerwood has reputedly been blackmailing celebrities for decades, and it can be a hard habit to break.
c) Squirrels have already eaten Notworthpeckerwood’s brain.
If there is one silver lining to this scandal-ridden cloud, it is that the public may finally realize the extent to which brain-eating squirrels control the national agenda!