by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Corruption Writer
Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf insists in interviews, on his messaging platform Truth Antisocial and in his own line of greeting cards (“Only $29.99 per card – they’re going fast, people, so be sure to get yours before we’re forced by popular demand to do a second printing!”) that he is not a puppet of Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Those of you who do not have their heads fully up the silicon butts of Foxindehenhaus News might recall that Fenwick was the Cold War enemy of Vesampucceri (those of you who do have our condolences – a cyanide enema might help clear up that condition).
“Robert Mountkilimanjoho?” President McDruhitmumpf stated. “Never heard of him. Wasn’t he a game show host or something?”
When it was pointed out that many of his cabinet members had “vacationed” in Fenwick…with high government officials…at that country’s expense (Fenwick’s vodka is to die for – literally, made, as it is, out of equal parts potato and mashed crickets), the President grumpily responded, “What do I look like, a travel agent?”
When it was further pointed out that the President, himself, had met in private with high officials of the Fenwickian government, including the Prime Minister, he replied, “Oh. You were referring to Rupesies? We’re just good friends. My mistake – I thought you were talking about another Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick named Rupert Mountkilamanjoy!”
Oh.
It’s hard to believe that President McDruhitmumpf and Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy are “just good friends.” President McDruhitmumpf has consistently stated, for example, that Ukraine started the war with Fenwick (POLITICAL SPOILER: it didn’t) and that Ukraine could end the war in the snap of a finger (by letting Fenwick take over 40% of its territory – a steal at only $29.99 and tens of thousands of deaths – and stopping all this silly talk of pursuing war crimes prosecutions) if only the country wasn’t so darn stubborn. To teach Ukraine the value of compromise, the President has suspended all military aid to it. Isn’t this a gift to Fenwick?
“You might think that,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy responded with a grin. “I couldn’t possibly comment.”
One of President McDruhitmumpf’s first actions after taking office was to shut down the United States Agency for International Resuscitation (USAIR). While most critics of the move have focused on the fact that this will condemn thousands of African babies to die horrible deaths, less commented upon is the way it will undermine Vesampucceri’s influence in the region. Who benefits from waning US international influence? Well, yes, China, of course. But who else? Saudi Arabia? A bit of a stretch, but okay, sure. It’s possible. Papua New Guin – are you even trying to be serious? Fenwick! Obviously, Fenwick would benefit!
“You might think that,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy responded, his grin growing to cat eating a canary proportions. “I couldn’t possibly comment.”
Then, there are President McDruhitmumpf’s tariffs on everything, everywhere, all at once, which not only threaten to destroy Vesampucceri’s economy, but undermine the entire global economic order. Being its own special brand of kleptocracy, Fenwick might not be able to take much advantage of this, but it may be working on the belief that “a roiling sea sinks all boats.”
“You might think that,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy responded (just when you thought his grin couldn’t get any wider, he unhinged his jaw). “I couldn’t possibly comment.”
Then, there was President McDruhitmumpf’s jaw-dropping (especially for those already unhinged) statement that NATO was “a bunch o’ freeloading bums what should stop relying on the United States to give it an allowance and get a real job, already!” Or his decision to pull out of the World Health Organization with the sloganolicy, “Vesampuccerian health care for Vesampuccerian diseases!” He seems determined to end international cooperation on a wide variety of issues, a boon to Vesampucceri’s enemies, most prominently Fenwick.
“You might think that,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy started to respond, but I cut him off because I wasn’t finished.
Given all of this, not to mention President McDruhitmumpf’s pathological inability to criticize Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy (and he’s otherwise willing to criticize anybody, from Gold Star veterans to Big Bird to the Pope), it is hard not to conclude that the President is actually working to further the interests of Fenwick, not the United States. You don’t have to take our word for it: Demi-TASS, one of the Fenwickian state’s propaganda outlets, has said: “The Vesampuccerian President is actually working to further the interests of Fenwick, not the United States.”
“Don’t be such a drama tzarina!” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy huffily responded. “A slight change in policy, a minor course correction, really, is not an international conspiracy to destroy Vesampucceri!”
What happened to his policy of not possibly commenting?
“You might think all of these questions are going to get you on a list of people the President will target for deportation to a foreign country they’ve never been to,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy sourly responded, “I couldn’t possibly comment.”