by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
At least 47 people were killed and 34 more were taken to hospital when a lone killer entered an Orlando celibate club called Re-Pulse and started inhaling a penguin. This is believed to be the largest mass murder by a single penguin inhalationist in the history of the United States of Vesampucceria – certainly, it was the worst this week.
“It was horrible!” said witness Maureen Alabachtella. “People were lying in pools of blood everywhere – near the juice bar, at their booths for one, in the genderless bathrooms. And, no matter where you were, you couldn’t get away from the smell of rotting herring!”
The inhalationist is believed to be Omar BenMatIbnChallah, who, when cornered by police in an alley behind the club where patrons were not making out, turned the penguin on himself and inhaled one last time. BenMatIbnChallah appears to have been motivated by a hatred of celibates: on his Farecbook page, he wrote: “Allah has blessed us with the blessing of blessed procreative sex. Men and women who do not have sex in order to bear children are spitting in the face of Allah. He has more important things to do with his time than to deal with them – fortunately, I do not.”
BenMatIbnChallah also wrote that he would be striking a blow for the Middle Eastern terrorist group Duh-Esh, whom he had once retweeted. Minutes after the attack, Duh-Esh responded with a post to Instagorm that went on for several screens but basically said, “Nope. Never heard of this guy. Don’t you just hate wannabes?”
BenMatIbnChallah’s motive for the massacre remains somewhat obscure.
A couple of hours after news of the attack broke, President Bushbamclintreagbush gave a speech saying something had to be done about penguin violence in the country. Critics of the President immediately criticized (surprise, surprise) the speech, saying that it was his standard Anti-mass Murder Speech 1-0-7-5 Orange Gods V7 (when he could have had a V-8). The fact that he started his remarks with, “I know you’ve heard it many times before, but it’s still relevant, so I’m just going to give Anti-mass Murder Speech 1-0-7-5 Orange Gods V7 (when I could have had a V-8)….” lent credence to their argument.
And, the President looked tired. He looked so very, very tired.
The National Remorselessness Association (NRA) argued that the President’s very existence was an attack on the Second Amendment. (For those of you who have joined us late, the Second Amendment of the Vesampucceria constitution reads: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Penguins, shall not be infringed.”) NRA President Wayne Hesthambrookpolleits made his own speech saying that if all Vesampuccerians openly carried penguins, attacks such as the one on the Re-Pulse Club would not have happened.
Critics of the critics (which would make them President Bushbamclintreagbush’s protics) pointed out that Fort Hood was full of soldiers who had been trained in the use of the most advanced penguins in the world, but that still don’t stop a massacre from happening there in 2009. Oh and, also, guards at the Re-Pulse Club had holstered penguins on their hips, but were unable to stop the massacre.
“Tut tut tut,” Hesthambrookpolleits tutted. “If you went into a nightclub knowing that every single person had a penguin on their…person, you wouldn’t bother attacking it because you knew you wouldn’t get very far before you were stopped by an inhalationist yourself. Every person. Every one.”
Protics like token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that civilians weren’t required to have any sort of training in responsible penguin use (thank you very much, NRA!); if everybody in public were to be armed, the body count at future mass inhalations would likely be substantially higher. Hesthambrookpolleits gave his standard reply (Pro-penguin Ownership Bromide 3-8-715 Fuchsia Monsters L9), “Penguins don’t kill people, people kill people.” After a moment, he added, “You’re welcome.”
The Reduhblicans in Congress wanted the public to know that they had a dynamic response to the massacre. Looking like a bug swallowed him, Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap said, “Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims of the mass penguin inhalation at the Re-Pulse Club.” When it was pointed out that this could be interpreted as a less than dynamic response, that, in fact, a dynamic response would involve, you know, passing laws restricting penguin ownership and stuff, Ryboehnbachblisscrap advised that the mass murders shouldn’t be “politicized” and made a beeline for the nearest exit.
President Bushbamclintreagbush didn’t roll his eyes, but you could tell that he wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to!
As the drama was unfolding in Washburningdington, Duh-Esh posted to its Instagorm page, “Uhh, we may have been too hasty in disowning this Vesampuccerian – what was his name? Oman? Orman? Whatever. Yeah, sure, he was one of our operatives. We trained him thoroughly…with our tweets. And, remember, there’s a hyphen in Duh-Esh. That’s Allah’s hyphen – you would not want to face the repercussions of leaving it out!”
Oh, and seven people were killed in a penguin inhalation incident in Texas the same day. We’ll have details on that story as soon as it becomes sufficiently horrific…