by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
Gherkin Modesto wanted ears.
“I worked my way up to being a level 57 Mystical Mage of Magicness,” Modesto explained. “I’m now casting spells that lay waste to entire Balgoolikhan sleeping powder factories – and, they’re big. Three floors and several annexes. And, that doesn’t even include the gift shop! Not having ears – well, for somebody who has advanced as far as I have, that’s just unheard of!”
Modesto was talking about playing the World of Wowcraft: Creeping Mists of the An’thr’u’lu’an Panspermidia app on his prison cell phone. He had started hearing rumours from a Gamester of Quadriskelion character as early as level 13 that a pair of ears were hidden behind the nose on a statue of a Balgrog hidden in the wall of a dungeon hidden in a balloon sanctuary. But, so far, nothing.
Of course, at any time in the game Modesto could have paid Snowstorm Entertainment, its producers, 99 cents for the ears. However, he had already spent $2,379.47 on what was supposed to have been a free online interactive experience (with a cherry on top), and he was feeling somewhat churlish about the whole thing.
“This seems to be the economic direction that game design is heading in,” said kitten o’ doom, a feature writer for the gaming industry Web site hammiesutra.com. “You get the basic game for free, and you can play for free all of the way through if you want… as long as you don’t mind characters without ears, thumbs or, in the case of Star Blap Mobile, spleens.”
Modesto’s experience is typical of –
“No, it isn’t!” game designer Franco Impotente protested.
Okay. Modesto’s experience may or may not have been typical, but he’s the player I interviewed for the article, so I’m going to write as though it was. His purchases started out small: a Pot of Potioning; a 20 point boost to his character’s Brooding attribute; teeth for his pet rabbit Gorgon the Insouciant (because a rabbit gumming his food is just too, too sad to watch); an acre of milksop weed (which is the key to a good potioning); a map of the Wayward Mountains (before they left for the Brigadoon Coast, after which they were known as the Stay at Home Crater).
As he progressed through WoW:CMotA’t’u’l’aP, his purchases remained small: a handle for his Sword of Smashness; a watch that stopped Orcs from breakdancing; fixing the fourth wall on his yurt (which had inexplicably come broken); a combination scrying glass/dragon mount. Still, even 99 cent purchases can make you run screaming to an in-game debt management agency if you make enough of them.
“Without even realizing it, people are going into huge debt buying things that they cannot afford,” explained games economist Anselmo di’Bauchieri. “It’s like the housing bubble all over again, except with more flying creatures and hacked off limbs!”
“This whole concept of freemium play,” countered Scott Dodson, chief product officer of Bobber Interactive – that’s what they call it, “freemium,” because, presumably, the neologism “suckerpaymentium” was too brutally honest – “in my opinion, is the most radical form of entertainment socialism since Obama got elected. You’ve got a whole bunch of one-percenters paying for a bunch of freeloaders.”
“He…he’s making fun of me, isn’t he?” di’Bauchieri sniffed.
Game designers are doing a complicated dance with players, explained kitten o’ doom. It’s a dance very much like the Charleston, except with far less knee engagement. On the one hand, they need to attract large numbers of players to earn the title massive multi-player online thingie (MMPOT). On the other hand, game designers like to eat.
“It’s a habit I’ve grown fond of,” Impotente grinned sheepishly. Then, he baahed sheepishly. I didn’t stick around to see how he ate grass.
“I would say it’s more of a samba,” di’Bauchieri argued, “although it has elements of Sumatran line dancing. Still, that’s not what’s important, now. What’s important is: are our children racking up debt playing MMPOT’s that they should actually be racking up getting an education?”
That may be important to economists, but it isn’t even on Modesto’s Radical Radar of Radicchio. “Other players look at the holes where my ears should be and laugh,” he stated. “How am I supposed to work the Enervating Eyeball of Ensorcelment on them when they’re laughing?”