Once upon time there was a boy named Dubya. Dubya’s burning ambition was to play funny tricks on his frat brothers. Unfortunately, Dubya grew up and, at the tender age of 36, was forced to make gazillions of dollars in his father’s oil business.
There Dubya may have languished in obscurity had his family and their cronies not felt that he was destined for greater things: the White House. And, sure enough, owing to a disenchanted populace, feeble opposition, family connections in key states and a last minute save from daddy’s friends on the Supreme Court, Dubya did, indeed, become President.
Now, Dubya was genial enough, but he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the neon sign advertising “Everything really does go better with Coke.” Unfortunately, when terrorists attacked the World Trade Centre, geniality was no longer sufficient. The United States required a man of vision, a man with the wisdom to know how to act and the will to do so, a leader.
Political tailors were called in and Dubya was reborn.
When he said, “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully,” the New York Times editorial board smiled indulgently and crowed in all seriously that the President is clearly up to the task of leading the country through these difficult times!”
And, when Dubya commented, “I think it’s important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike…” commentators on CNN fell all over themselves to praise his common virtues (those would be sense and touch).
And, even when the President stated that “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream,” various talk radio show hosts claimed that he had grown in office and was now in firm control of the country’s political agenda.
You can see a pattern emerging here, can’t you, children? Nobody wants to point out that poor speech can be a sign of poor thought, do they? Certainly not with a war on.
So, when President Dubya told the nation that “What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate quotas, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position,” the Washington Post, in the most gentle and approving manner, admired his ability to make complex issues accessible to the masses.
And, when the President went on to say, “I know how hard it is to put food on your family,” CNBC anchors bowed low (not an easy feat sitting behind a desk) and compared him to a combination of Winston Churchill and John F. Kennedy, throwing in Tom Cruise’s good looks for good measure.
“When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they’re there,” Dubya stated, and a thousand newspaper editorialists in a thousand markets obsequiously applauded the strength he was showing in the face of terrible adversity.
Then, President Dubya tried to hijack a NATO conference, harping on the support NATO members should be giving to his war on Iraq. And, an insignificant peon in the government of a (barely) second tier country, exasperated by his single-minded obtuseness, exclaimed, “What a moron!”
Well. The collected media gasped audibly. How could anybody say such a thing about the President? Sure, there was sufficient evidence to suggest that such a judgment was not entirely inaccurate. Still, how could anybody actually say it? Out loud?
The media immediately sprang into action. It vilified the woman who made the remark, the government she worked for and the country they represented. In time, the incident was forgotten, and everybody in the country went back to admiring, in the most vociferous tones, the President’s new IQ.
* All quotes directly from the mouth of the President!