“The office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services. How may I help you?”
“I would like to speak to the Secretary, please.”
“Which Secretary would that be, sir?”
“The Secretary of Health and Human Services?”
“Well, then, why don’t you call the office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services?”
“I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“You just told me I did.”
“Do you believe everything a stranger tells you on the phone?”
“Aah…look. I know I dialed the right number. Please connect me to the Secretary of Health and Human Services.”
“For the sake of argument, let us say that you are correct and that you have actually reached the office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services – not that I am admitting anything, you understand. The Secretary would be delighted, I have no doubt, to speak with you if you would care to leave your name, number and a brief outline of what you would like to speak with him about.”
“Can I not speak to him now?”
“For the sake of argument, let us assume that the Secretary is in a meeting.”
“I see.”
“Or out of the office.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Or currently speaking on the telephone with somebody else. If you would care to hold…?”
“How can the Secretary be doing all of these things at once?”
“Have you never heard of multitasking?”
“Uhh…maybe I should come into the office. Can I make an appointment to -“
“I’m afraid that wouldn’t be possible.”
“Why not?”
“The alleged Secretary works from his home.”
“Couldn’t I make an appointment to meet with him there?”
“Please, sir, we need to keep this on a professional basis!”
“Could I possibly get his home phone number so I could speak with him directly?”
“I’m afraid I don’t have the Secretary’s home phone number.”
“I suppose I could look it up.”
“I doubt that would do any good, sir – I believe the Secretary’s phone has been disconnected.”
“Is there any way of contacting him?”
“I’ll ask around, sir, but I’m fairly certain that nobody in the office has the slightest idea where the Secretary lives.”
“You know, you haven’t been very helpful.”
“The Secretary prefers not to be bothered with the day to day trivia of the Department.”
“Perhaps you could help me.”
“I doubt it, but I wouldn’t want to crush your hope.”
“I’m a senior citizen. I need a certain drug to keep up my health. I would like to buy it from Canada because I am on a fixed income and the Canadian version of the drug is half the price of the American version. I understand the Secretary has to sign some sort of certificate that the Canadian drug is safe before I will be allowed to legally buy it. I’m sure if I can just talk to the Secretary, he will -“
“I’m sorry. Who did you say you wanted to speak to?”
“The… Secretary…of…Health…and…Human…Services.”
“Ah. I see the problem. This is the office of the Secretary of Orange Concentrate Adjudication.”
“Orange Concentrate Adjudication? I’ve never heard -“
“It was a rider to the Medicare bill. Obviously not as well known as the provision that you could buy Canadian drugs if the Secretary of Health and Human Services signed a certificate that they were safe, but, there you are. The media will fixate on the trivial at the expense of what is truly important.”
“But…Orange Concentrate Adjudication?”
“Indeed. And, frankly, sir, there is a tremendous amount of adjudicatory filing to which I would like to attend, but cannot because people keep calling this office looking for the Secretary of Health and Human Services!”
“I…I’m sorry. I…I must have the wrong number.”
“Good day to you, then, sir.”
“Good day.”
RING
“Office of the Secretary of Orange Concentrate Adjudication.”
“There is no such thing as the Secretary of Orange Concentrate Adjudication!”
“Sir?”
“I spoke to my Congressman, who assured me that there is no such thing.”
“He may have been away on constituency business when the rider was attached.”
“I read the whole bill, and there is nothing about a Secretary of Orange Concentrate Adjudication in it!”
“If I may say so, sir, that was awfully fast work.”
“I am a graduate of the Helen Keller School of Speed Reading.”
“You’ve got me.”
“Aha.”
“This isn’t the office of the Secretary of Orange Concentrate Adjudication.”
“Okay, then.”
“This is the office of the Secretary of Orange Coconut Warfare.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“The office of the Secretary of Flange Technology Promotion?”
“No.”
“The office of the Secretary of Divergent Universe Rectification?”
“No!”
“You would believe this was the office of the Secretary of Divergent Universe Rectification if this was a Phillip K. Dick short story.”
“Look, this is the office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and I would like to speak to the Secretary!”
“He’s not in.”
“Can I try again later?”
“Maybe tomorrow…”
“Tomorrow?”
“We live in hope…”