“Give it to me straight, doctor. I can take it.”
“Weeellllll, Miss Glelp, your fetus is in perfect health -“
“That’s good, then. The way you were talking over the phone, I was afraid -“
“Except for its head.”
“What’s the problem with my baby’s head?”
“It hasn’t got one.”
“Oh! Is that…a serious problem?”
“If your fetus were to grow up to become a tax auditor or a Republican politician, not only would it not be a problem, not having a head would be considered a big asset. Unfortunately, without a head, it is unlikely to be able to survive outside your womb for more than three point seven seconds.”
“Three point seven seconds isn’t much of a life.”
“It’s half the lifetime of a fruit fly.”
“That’s not very comforting, doctor Sosume.”
“Not for the fruit fly, certainly.”
“Hunh! What should I do?”
“Well, Miss Glelp, the best thing you can do is have a dilation and curettage. This will flush the unviable fetus out of your womb and give you the opportunity to try again.”
“Well, Doctor Sosume, if you think it would be for the best…”
“I do.”
“When can we schedule the…the procedure?”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“We can’t.”
“We can’t schedule a medical procedure you just told me I need to have?”
“That’s right. Sorry about that.”
“Why not?”
“Your life isn’t being threatened yet.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Weeellll…”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Yeeeah. So, DandCs are a form of abortion, and abortion is outlawed in this state except if the health of the mother is being threatened.”
“So, I have to be in considerable pain and life-threatening danger to get my dead baby out of me?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“Oww! Oww! It hurts. I’m in so much pain. It feels my life is in imminent danger. Won’t somebody do something to help me?”
“What do you think?”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Bless you for trying, Miss Glelp, but I’m afraid I would have to agree that that wasn’t very convincing.”
“I’m sorry, but who is that guy sitting behind you?”
“That’s just Phil.”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Phil says hello.”
“Who is Phil?”
“Can I tell her?”
<whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper>
“Under advice of the hospital’s attorney, I can’t tell you who Phil is.”
“So…he’s the hospital’s attorney?”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“What? She figured it out on her own!”
“So, you’re telling me that my medical treatment is being determined by a lawyer‽“
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Phil would like me to assure you that he binge-watched every episode of ER before he took on this job.”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Except for the last season – Phil thought it was getting too repetitive, and some of the plot twists strained his credulity.”
“A lawyer! My medical treatment is being determined by a lawyer!”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Phil would like you to know that he finds your tone offensive.”
“I find this whole situation offen – yet?”
“I’m sorry?”
“You said that my life wasn’t being threatened yet. What did you mean…yet?”
“Ah. Yes. That. Your womb isn’t really built to carry a dead thing for several months. Eventually, it will become infected. You may experience bleeding, a high fever and other symptoms of sepsis.”
“It will get so bad that it will threaten my life?”
“Exactly.”
“And then I can have the procedure?”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“And then you will be evaluated by a hospital board.”
“Of lawyers?”
“Mostly, yes. And if they feel your life is sincerely threatened, they may approve of the procedure.”
“And if they don’t think my life is sincerely threatened?”
“They’ll send flowers to the funeral.”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Oh, don’t take that tone with me! You know that’s what you use the discretionary fund for!”
“Is there anything I can do about this short of almost dying?”
“Unfortunately, the law forbids me from advising you to go to a nearby state to get the DandC you so obviously need.”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“What? I told her I couldn’t tell her that!”
“So, I should go out of state to get the procedure?”
“I didn’t say that.”
<whisper whisper whisper>
“Puh-lease! We’ve already established that she’s smart enough to figure out these things on her own!”
“Thank you, Doctor Sosume. I guess I should be going.”
“But we’re not finished.”
“Maybe not, but I have a sudden urge to talk to my travel agent…”