Thank you, Zhu Yuning (Mrs.), for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Some of our more stridently conservative readers – all three of them – have complained that our comments about Ayn Rand last week were glib. Okay, look, the problem is that anybody can claim to be John Galt. We had to share a dorm room one term with a guy who wouldn’t shut up about how much like John Galt he was, and he didn’t even pay rent. And, you wouldn’t believe how many John Galt wannabes we’ve had to deal with in the business community. ENOUGH! You poseurs refuse to accept the truth: WE’RE John Galt! And, we hate it when others take our name in vain!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Hate And Maine
Comments from opponents to gay marriage who voted on Proposition One in the state of Maine:
“I don’t hate gay people. I mean, they aren’t natural – they’re abominations in the eyes of God, really. But, that doesn’t mean I hate them. God hates them, obviously, and He’s much better at hating than I could ever be – I mean, Sodom and Gomorrah, alright? The first-born Egyptians. Iraq. So, naturally, when it comes to homos, I trust in the Lord to do my hating for me. You have no idea how liberating that is.”
“Homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed to get marriage licences. I mean, dogs don’t get licences. To get married, I mean – obviously, dogs do need licences. Just, not marriage licences. Which is to say, we don’t let dogs get marri – Sh*t! Can I start again?”
“I don’t believe gay people should be allowed to be married. That’s why I voted no on Maine’s Proposition One.”
So…you voted in favour of gay marriage?
“No. No, I voted against gay marriage. I voted no.”
The way the proposition was worded, voting no was a vote in favour of gay marriage. To vote against gay marriage, you would have had to vote yes.
“Really? F*ck*ng f*gg*ts got me all confused!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106349877263460.xml]
The Absurd Ironyometer Is Having The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Over For Tea
Afghan President Hamid Karzai, fresh from his election sort of kind of back doorish type victory, has vowed that there would be no place for corruption in his new administration. This pledge was immediately framed and put on the wall next to the last 27 versions of the pledge. It’s a matching set – collect all 237.
“Of course, family members are exempt, right?” Karzai asked. Let’s not be cynical about this just because his brother is one of the biggest opium dealers in the country. Let us put it down, instead, to the fact that Afghanistan is a fledgling democracy, and they need some time to get the whole “honest government” thing right.
I mean, everybody knows that George Washington trafficked in illegal dentures, and Thomas Jefferson bootlegged rose petals for weddings in the southern states. Still, they are now seen as fathers of their country. Some day, Karzai will be seen this way, too. Some day…
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
Tone Cold Sober
Bob Dylan has done it again! growing more concerned about his health as he has gotten older, he converted to a lifestyle intended to increase his wellness. To celebrate this, he has rerecorded one of his classics, which is now known as “Everybody Must Get Toned.”
Dylan fans don’t know how to respond. “I already disowned him for going electric,” Indira Thistlethwaite moaned. “Can I disown him a second time?”
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=10/22/2009#3]
Even If They Do Use It For Evil Ends
Environmentalists have long had a difficult time trying to convince Conservatives to take the environment seriously. Appeals to their humanity – suggesting that they should be concerned about the 40% of Albertans who will get cancer because of their proximity to the tar sands oil project – have fallen on deaf ears. Clearly, another approach is necessary.
One argument that might gain traction with the Conservatives is that destroying Alberta’s environment would kill the province’s tourism. Economics is something Conservatives (claim to) understand. An even more persuasive argument, though, is that, if almost half of Albertans die of cancer caused by pollution, there won’t be enough western Conservatives to give the party a majority in future elections.
Power. Now, that’s something the Conservatives do understand!
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1164H3EC-2C125-20K5-AAA1582614B755555]
They Ate Her Liver With Some Scozzafava Beans And A Nice Chianti
Bill Owens has won the House seat in New York’s 23rd district, the first time a Democrat has won a seat in that area since the Civil War. That’s a long time. How did it happen? Republican candidate Dede Scozzafava was forced out of the race when conservatives decided that she wasn’t “right wing batshit crazy enough,” and ran a third party candidate, Doug Hoffman, in the race. Hoffman and Scozzafava split the conservative vote, allowing Owens to squeak through.
Conservatives are claiming victory. “Of course this was a victory for right wing batshit crazies,” Rush Limbaugh crowed. “The reasonably sane conservative candidate was hounded out of the race! What part of right wing batshit crazy do you not understand?”
Enough victories like this, and the Democrats will run the country for the next 12 centuries.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/108^.htm]
Friends Of Science – Enemies Of Sanity
Some celebrities, scientists and politicians say they are concerned about the environment, but are they willing to debate the science? As it happens, yes. Just, not with us. So, as far as we’re concerned, the answer is no. What are the issues they will not talk about (with us)? Over 92 per cent of increasing methane emissions in the atmosphere are caused by your mother making you eat asparagus. It’s true! Or, the earth is actually getting colder. How do we know? Fossil records show that, contrary to popular belief, there was no ice during the Ice Age. You can’t argue with fossil records! DON’T STAY IGNORANT! Get the facts! Go to Fans of Science dot org.
SOURCE: Fans of Science
[http://www.FansofScience.org/whorwekidding_u.stdhtml]
Beats The World Dominoes And Tiddlywinks Championships
After decades of trying to get some international athletic competition, any international athletic competition, Toronto has finally been awarded the 2015 Pan Am Games. The Pan Am games are the “Miss Congeniality” of international athletic competitions, but, damn, we wear the consolation tiara well!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]