Thank you, Yancheng Jiangyang Fo, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. But, really, when you think about it, it’s always the human element that lets us down, isn’t it?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Bet He Has A Bright Future In Airport Security
A Quebec court has awarded a family $10,000 after they were strip searched trying to get in to see a screening of Shrek the Third. Security guard Glendon Tartuffo said the search was necessary because “they were acting all suspicious and stuff and I was sure they were hiding video equipment on their person and we’re trying to crack down on piracy and I’m really in trouble, now, like, bug trouble, aren’t I?”
The search was particularly embarrassing because one of the daughters in the family, unbeknownst to her parents, had been fitted with an IUD. Somebody had a lot of explaining to do when they got home that evening!
Vince Guzzo, vice president of Cinemas Guzzo, plans to appeal the verdict. “High quality cameras are getting smaller all the time!” Guzzo argued. “If we can’t invasively probe the body cavities of our customers, how are we supposed to effectively serve the needs of the American film industry?”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
The Honourable Member Would Like To Recess For Nappies
The Conservative party has introduced legislation dropping the minimum age at which a Canadian can become a Senator to four. The tagline that the Conservatives have made the centre of the ad campaign to drum up support for the policy is: “Out of diapers and in the Senate!”
When it was put to Prime Minister Stephen Harper that the law was designed to make the Senate look ridiculous in the eyes of Canadians as a first step towards abolishing the institution, he looked surprised. “No,” he responded, “we want to be able to appoint Senators who will be there for 70 years. But, uhh, your idea is interesting…”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
They’ll Kick You In The Nuts If You Try
“You just can’t argue with rainbows”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1976522238]
Ass Backwards
Some readers have complained about a photograph we ran last week of Spain’s Princess Letizia and France’s first lady Carla Bruni walking up stairs. Caught from behind, it showed off the two women’s derrieres to great effect.
How could anybody complain about such an innocent photograph in a national newspaper? The only reason we can figure is jealousy. Canadian politicians and their wives simply don’t have the goods. Governor General Michaelle Jean? Please! Does she even have an ass? Laureen Harper must wish she could fill out a slinky skirt with the aplomb of Carla Bruni!
That’s what Canada needs to be taken seriously on the national stage: more female political figures whose own figures look good from the rear!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-5c29-bf9b-07b647cc37ec]
A Wink Is As Good As A Nod To A Horse That Will Not See
OBAMA: You need to stop expanding the Jewish settlements in the West Bank.
NETANYAHU: Absolutely! We will not build any new Jewish settlements in the West Bank. (winks)
OBAMA: Did you just wink?
NETANYAHU: Absolutely not. Why would I possibly wink? (winks)
OBAMA: No. You don’t understand. I mean there will be no more settlers.
NETANYAHU: Of course, you do. (winks)
OBAMA: Stop winking!
NETANYAHU: No…no more winking?
OBAMA: No more winking.
NETANYAHU: But, how am I supposed to know what you mean when you say you want no more Jewish settlements if there is no winking?
OBAMA: By listening to what I say. There are to be no more Jewish settlements. Period.
NETANYAHU: Oh. (pause) Okay. (pause) There will be no more Jewish settlements. (grins and gives the thumbs up sign)
OBAMA: (sighs) Let’s go over this again…
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=637&dir=bb]
Or Dies (He Is 90, After All)
MONDAY: Like, OMG! Telephone giant AT&T may have influenced the outcome of American Idol by providing phones for free text-messaging services and lessons in casting blocks of votes at parties organized by fans! I’ll never trust reality television again!
TUESDAY: Like, OMFG! Daniel Craig is a popsicle! I’m not talking metaphorically, either! The purple popsicle, called “Licence to Chill” is available in Britain. Yummy! Of course, the Daniel Craig James Bond popsicle isn’t as good as the Sean Connery James Bond oatmeal cookie, but, still, it’s much better than the Roger Moore James Bond Nanaimo bar!
WEDNESDAY: Have you seen Up? Man, Christopher Plummer can be evil even in cartoons!
THURSDAY: I’ve been told that tingling and numbness in my toes is a sign of “scientific knee jerk syndrome.” Every time I hear that a new technology is creating new physical ailments, my knee jerks. Over time, my knee has jerked so often that it has restricted the blood flow to my foot. I know how I would like to respond to this news, but I’m going to try to restrain myself. You know. Just in case.
FRIDAY: Did you hear? J. D. Salinger is suing somebody named John David California to stop him from publishing a sort of sequel to Catcher in the Rye called 60 Years Later: Coming Through the Rye. Oh, dear. I think I better put my plans to post a slash story on FanFiction.net about an affair between Holden Caulfield and Edward Cullen on hold until Salinger calms down.
SATURDAY: Why would I want to see former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush when they came to town to speak? I’ve already seen the movie Dumb and Dumber.
SUNDAY: Why do I love Law and Order so much? It’s the heat…
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
The Heist Must Go On
Broadway musical director Hal Prince, Stratford veteran Martha Henry and novelist E. L. Doctorow are among the stars who have written letters praising Bert “Brad” Bucklinger in a bid to secure leniency for the convicted petty thief.
Judge Veronica Tederoscoe expressed surprise at the outpouring of public sentiment. “Given how famous his supporters are,” she mused, “you would have thought that Mister Bucklinger was a famous theatre impresario or something.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/06/01/bucklingerunder/]