Thank you, Xantac Xenobia, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered why people use the term “cc” to refer to sending more than one person an email. CC stands for “carbon copy,” a reference to the dark ages of communications when people used carbon paper in their typewriters and sheep were scared. Clearly, there is no – what? What’s a typewriter? Ask your parents. No, to be on the safe side, ask your grandparents. That’s not the point. The point is that there are no carbons when you send emails. Except, perhaps, for the carbon atoms in your computer. Yes, we know that there is carbon in the human body, too, but would you call a clone of yourself a CC? Wait – how did we get on the subject of cloning? We were talking about…what were we talking about, again? We…umm…
You damn kids! Get off our virtual lawn!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Not Eating Broccoli Is Clearly Spyspeak For Not Giving Up Their Guns
But Experts Are Divided On The Meaning Of Not Going To Sleep At Bedtime
In briefings to the incoming Liberal government, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) made the case for maintaining its powers under Bill C-51. The transitional briefing materials revealed that agency officials view threat reduction, including the controversial practice of waging disruption campaigns against believed nogoodniks, as part of their jobs.
“Aww, come on!” CSIS wrote. “We just got these brand new toys, and now you want to take them away from us! You better not to do that or…or, we won’t eat our broccoli ever again! Yeah! No more broccoli for us! And, going to sleep at bedtime? Forget about it! You can’t do this to us! It’s not fair! It’s! Just! Not! Fair!”
Then, CSIS stomped its feet and ran crying out of Parliament.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Nine Exclamation Marks? Really? That’s At Least Three Exclamation Marks On The Wrong Side Of Overkill
Sounds Like Somebody Needs Attention Because He Has A Clothing Collection To Sell!!!!!!
“BILL COSBY INNOCENT!!!!!!!!!”
– Kanye West tweet
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/west-of-sanity/]
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That Clunkity Clunkity Clunk Sound You Hear Is His Tears Falling To The Ground In Front Of His Monument
In response to Donald Trump’s equivocation on rejecting former KKK Grand Wizard (more like a Grand Whizzer, if you ask me) David Duke, Paul Ryan said, “If a person wants to be the nominee of the Republican Party, there can be no evasion and no games. They must reject any group or cause that is built on bigotry. This party does not prey on people’s prejudices, we appeal to their highest ideals. This is the party of Lincoln.”
Mister Speaker, are you on crack?
Have you never heard of the Southern Strategy, a Republican appeal to the racial animosity of whites that dates back to the 1960s? Don’t have a clue who Willie Horton was, or how your party used his image? Haven’t paid attention to the last eight years of right wing vilification of the country’s first black president? Honestly, Lincoln would have burned his Republican Party membership card and pissed on the ashes long ago if he wasn’t carved in stone!
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~johnny/home]
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Everybody Also Knows That Men Are Prone To Exaggerate The Size Of Their – Ahem – Meals
Part of a settlement in a class action suit against Subway will force the restaurant chain to take measures to ensure that its footlong sandwiches are really 12 inches long. Yeah, apparently some restaurants were trying to pass off 11 inchers as footlongs. This just shows how litigious the United States has become. I mean, everybody knows that it’s not the size of your sandwich – it’s what you do with!
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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No Ifs Or Ands – Although There May Have Been A Butts – About it!
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is facing stout provincial opposition to his proposal for a national floor price for carbon as premiers urge him to focus on areas of agreement in his effort to forge a climate strategy. Former Quebec premier Jean Charest tried to set up a meeting this year between the Prime Minister’s Office and the promoters of the controversial Energy East pipeline.
“We need to focus on the things we do agree on – funding for green infrastructure and transit,” [BC Premier Christy Clark] said. “Canadians expect us to come out of this meeting with some agreement on things we can do to reduce emissions.”
“[Prime Minister Trudeau’s Principal Secretary Gerald] Butts was clear with Mister Charest that there are rules and processes for these types of meetings and if they wanted to follow that process, he would be happy to discuss a meeting with TransCanada,” [PMO Director of Communications Kate] Purchase said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Christians Should Also Be Wary Of Colouring Books Featuring Nelson Mandela
Christian adults are being discouraged from enjoying colouring books featuring mandalas. Some have argued that the symbols represent a pagan religion, and, by a strange process of osmosis, using such colouring books will turn devout Christians into raving vegan, sandal-wearing hippie Buddhists.
I think there might be more at play here. I suspect that if they actually put some effort into mandala colouring, American Christians would find themselves much calmer, much more at peace and less angry than they are now. Then, how could they justify voting Republican?
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=553&but=allis1]
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Talk About A Self-inflicted Romney To The Groin!
So, Mitt Romney has declared war on Republican frontrunner Donald Trump, calling him “a phony, a fraud” who is “playing the American public for suckers.” Really? That’s like a kid with a water pistol taking on the Sixth Fleet! Honestly, does anybody even remember who Mitt Romney is? He was on a few commercials for…life insurance? denture adhesive? adult diapers? four years ago, wasn’t he?
In all my years of watching American politics, I have never seen a more patrician man so eager to be called a “loser,” but, to my surprise, Trump rose above the bait. “He was begging for my endorsement,” Trump said of Romney’s Presidential campaign (he would have been better off selling adult diapers). “I could have said, ‘Mitt, drop to your knees,’ and he would have dropped to his knees.”
Stay classy, Donald.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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