Thank you, Wandering32Jew, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Don’t despair! Things are never as bad as they seem. For instance, of the 56 people killed in the latest Israeli attack on Lebanon, only 34 were children, not 36 as originally reported.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
We’re All Bozos In This Party
Who was a worse President: Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush? Let’s look at the record.
| Nixon | Reagan | George W. Bush | |
| national debt? | low | growing | exploding |
| secrecy? | yes | yes | yes |
| power consolidation? | yes | yes | oh, hell, yes |
| attack opponents? | yes | yes | viciously |
| illegal wiretaps? | yes | no | no (thanks to the PATRIOT ACT, they’re now legal) |
| illegal break-ins? | yes | no | no (thanks to the PATRIOT ACT, they’re now legal) |
| illegal war? | Cambodia bombing | contras funding | Iraq |
| lied about it? | yes | yes | you better believe it |
| war crimes trial? | no | no | there’s still time… |
You’re right. Why anybody would vote for any of them is a mystery.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=457&dir=bb]
more
Must Flee TV
10 pm. CBC. The None. Perhaps the lamest reality television show to ever to be foisted on an unsuspecting public. How bad could it be? It may be preempted by The National!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
Liberals: Deaf, Blind And Not As Talented As Tommy
You know what? I am sick to death of these bleeding hearts who see homophobia in every action of every straight American male.
Take the Provenzo murder case. John Lock is reported to have screamed, “Die, faggot! Die, faggot! Die, faggot! Die!” while he beat Antonio Provenzo to death with a ham and cheese sandwich. That doesn’t mean Lock hated all gays. All it means is that he hated one specific gay. To prove homophobia, you would have to show a repeated pattern of killing gay men while taunting them about their sexuality.
It’s like…it’s like Mel Gibson being pulled over by a cop for speeding and, while failing a sobriety test, saying, “Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Does this make him an anti-semite? Of course not! It just makes him a mean drunk.
But, try to tell that to a Liberal! They just refuse to understand.
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,7003,90200,00.html]
more
Olmerta: The Code Of Political Silence
“We’re talking with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. It would appear to me, Mister Prime Minister, that the attack on a United Nations post in Lebanon can only have one of two interpretations. Either Israeli weapons are not as sophisticated as you claim, which would make a mockery of your contention that you are using ‘pinpoint strikes’ to avoid civilian casualties; or, your weapons are exactly as good as you claim, in which case the attack would have had to have been deliberate. Your response?
“Aah, no, sir. I see the steam coming out of your ears, but, with respect, having your head explode is not an acceptable answer. In fact, under the circumstances, it could be considered quite tactless of you. Now, the question: incompetent or criminally violent? Which would you… oh. Running out of the studio. That’s very mature. Very mature, indee – what’s that buzzing sound? Does anybody hear a buzzing sound? It’s getting loude –”
SOURCE: Beeb Radio On the Web
[http://www.beeb.co.uk/mediaselector/check/worldservice/meta/tx/summary5min?size=au&bgc=003399&lang=en-ws&nbram=1&nbwm=1]
more
Or, You Could Just Avoid The Tense Situation…
Nine things to avoid saying in a tense situation:
9. Did you know that the international community thinks this situation is all your fault?
8. If you put down the gun and surrender now, you probably won’t get the death penalty…
7. Didn’t anybody ever teach you about personal hygiene?
6. Those pants? That ass? Can I think about that question before I answer?
5. I’ve never believed in the drug war, but I’ve got my orders…
4. Are you nuts? The woman has hated me ever since we got married! Why would I want her to come and live with us?
3. Fucking Jews! The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world!
2. As your momma was telling me last night…
1. Is that a cluster bomb in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
more
Beating Our Plowshares Back Into Weapons
Won’t just open wallet: Flaherty
Finance ministers gather in Niagara
Begin talks on federal funding
– The Toronto Star
Armed forces welcome spree
A $17.1 billion shopping list
– a different Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1876535033]
more
Time To Sell Lebanon Short
Lebanese lives have decreased in value against Israelis, to a low of 26.89 to one. This is down almost three full lives from close of market one week ago. Savvy speculators are staying away from the Lebanese, even in the face of a 48 hour Israeli ceasefire, suggesting that there may be no bottom to the value of the life of somebody living in Lebanon.
In other news, the life of one American is currently worth 17.76 Iraqis. This is a slight advance from last week, when the value was 17.74 Iraqis to the American. Although the figure has been disputed in the past – an article in The Lancet suggested the exchange rate might be as high as 66.67 Iraqis to the American – the market has come to accept the more favourable American interpretation of the Iraqi death toll.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-808s-9f25-a2eb4cdef6528]
more
Alice Cooper, Mel Gibson, Dick Cheney And God – Don’t Try To Find A Connection, Just Enjoy
MONDAY: Eating crackers is kind of a bad criterion for throwing somebody out of bed, don’t you think?
TUESDAY: Have you ever noticed that Dick Cheney looks like Dogbert from the Dilbert comic strip? It could be that they just share a similar world view…
WEDNESDAY: Have you ever noticed that most people’s most embarrassing moments happened when they were in high school?
THURSDAY: Did you know that the only consistent exception to this rule is serial killers?
FRIDAY: According to Alice Cooper, children need boundaries. Does that mean they aren’t allowed to play with the guillotine until they’ve finished their homework? They’ll go to bed without biting the heads off bats if they don’t clean their rooms? His non-profit Solid Rock Foundation is building a teen activity centre. Be afraid for the children. Be very afraid.
SATURDAY: Hey! Mel Gibson was a victim of bad luck – he probably got arrested by the only female officer in the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department who hadn’t ever fantasized about him calling her “sugartits.” What are the odds?
SUNDAY: The great thing about God is that He forgives. The not so great thing about God is that He never forgets. It’s just the way He’s built.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
more