Thank you, Veronica Vegas, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the employees at a Walmart in Ohio who were holding a canned food drive so that their fellow employees could have a proper Thanksgiving meal. And, we thought, If management hears about this, they’ll cut our pay and tell us to make it up in non-perishable food items we give each other! So, thinking quickly, we set fire to the server room to keep management from seeing the news on the Internet. It was only a small fire. At first. We all had to be furloughed and lost a week’s pay. And, it didn’t even work because we forgot to take into account the fact that many people in management have laptops.
And, we thought, Maybe we shouldn’t always go with our first thought…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
If You Thought That Excuse Was Bad, Wait Until You Hear The Apology!
So, the Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, admitted to using cocaine. And, you know all those times he was directly asked if he had used drugs and he either ducked the question or denied it? Well, apparently, he wasn’t lying. Reporters just didn’t ask the correct questions.
Mister Mayor, are you on crack? That has to be the lamest excu – oh, wait. Apparently, you were. Smoking crack, I mean. Sorry – it’s the name of my blog. I have to use the phrase in every post, even on those rare occasions when it’s true. It’s just a thing with me. I’ve got an angry young blogger image to maintain, you know. I’m sorry – I didn’t mean anything by it.
Except, I’m not sorry and I did mean something by it, jerkwad! Lamest. Excuse. Ever!
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~johnny/home]
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Could Have Been Worse – It Could Have Been An Ad For Agent Orange
So, there I was, watching a TV commercial for a soothing, cleansing facial cream. And, some poor woman’s bathroom was invaded by Daleks shrieking: “Ex-fo-li-ate! Ex-fo-li-ate!”
I’m happy that Doctor Who is 50 years old, and I wouldn’t want to begrudge the cash-starved BBC any source of revenue from the show. Still…
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Canadians – We’re Such A Trusting Bunch
Prime Minister Stephen “Bossy Pants” Harper claims that he didn’t know about his Chief of Staff Nigel’s Wright’s $90,000 loan/gift/bribe/other to Mike Duffy to pay back the money he improperly claimed for living away from Ottawa. Seriously?
You want to talk about controlling? This is a Prime Minister who knows exactly how many sheets of paper are left on all of the rolls of all of the bathrooms in Parliament. All of them – men’s and women’s. This is a Prime Minister who says a silent prayer every time a sparrow falls…anywhere in the Ottawa Valley! Cold air fronts don’t cross the border into the City of Ottawa without his permission! This is a Prime Minister who doesn’t need Nielsen to tell him what the audience for Canadian television shows are the moment after they have been aired – even on The Fungus Network! This is a Prime Minister who can feel the sexual energy in a house just by walking past it…and, for those who did not vote Conservative, make it stop!
Given all of this, you really expect me to believe that the Prime Minister didn’t approve, let alone know about Wright’s payment to Duffy?
Okay.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/editorial/story.html?ia=0ec0qaeda-6e6-4c18-bf3b-07b657cc42ec]
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Although, To Be Honest, If Certain Employees Of The NSA Weren’t Kept Constantly Amused, They Could Cause Real Trouble!
We “do not spy on anyone except for valid national security purposes.”
– United States Director of National Intelligence James Clapper
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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The Zen Of Ford Nation
A journalist stops the Mayor’s Chief of Staff at a party and, with a mouth full of canapes, asks him a question.
JOURNALIST: Did Mayor Ford say that he would only allow mass transit to be expanded by building new subways?
CHIEF OF STORY: Those canapes are tasty, aren’t they?
JOURNALIST: Yeah. Sorry. Give me a moment to swall – there. Now: did Mayor Ford not say that he would only allow mass transit to be expanded by building new subways?
CHIEF OF STAFF: He did.
JOURNALIST: But, did he not also say that he would not waste taxpayers money and not raise taxes while in office?
CHIEF OF STAFF: He did.
JOURNALIST: Well. The Mayor supports a subway in Scarborough that would have fewer stations and serve less people than a light rapid transit line at substantially greater cost which would require a tax hike that lasted a decade. How does he address this contradiction?
CHIEF OF STAFF: There are no contradictions.
JOURNALIST: I thought you’d say tha – what?
CHIEF OF STAFF: There are no contradictions.
JOURNALIST: Nooo, I’m pretty sure that’s a contradiction.
CHIEF OF STAFF: Contradictions are the creation of monkey mind. Still your thoughts, and you will see that there are no contradictions.
JOURNALIST: But –
CHIEF OF STAFF: Shh. Shh. Is your mind still?
JOURNALIST: Okay. Yeah. Sure. Still.
CHIEF OF STAFF: If you can describe it, your mind has not been stilled.
JOURNALIST: That…that’s just crazy!
CHIEF OF STAFF: Welcome to Toronto.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Part Of A Village People Song Title?
ACROSS
1. Part of a male chromosome.
DOWN
1. One axis on a graph.
SOURCE: Tis a Puzzlement!
[hsttp://www.puzzlement.org/Smallest]
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The Logic Behind Working Class Opposition To The Affordable Care Act – Revealed!
Unenlightened Self-Interest
Health scare?
I do not care!
With me, the ACA’s going nowhere.
Oh, don’t give me that disapproving glare –
Pain is something I am willing to bear.
If there is an affordable way to get medical attention, I don’t want to know the trick –
I just want to be sick.
I love the sympathy
For me
When I can’t pee
Or see,
Or I have a serious injury
To my right knee
Which makes moving it an impossibility.
Better insurance? You can shove that shtick!
I just can’t help it, I want to be sick.
So, please, spare me the medical plans of President Obama
(Yes, I know he wasn’t born in Yokohama!).
Because I love the exquisite drama
Of finding a melanoma
That has grown much larger than a common comma.
To this position, against all reason I stick
Cause I really, truly, madly, deeply want to be sick!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/656.html]
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