Thank you, Vance Protuberance, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we learned that a Cheeto shaped like a Pokemon (a Charizard for those of you keeping score at home) had sold at auction for $87,840 dollars. $87,840 dollars! That’s almost a month’s rent! So, we bought a boatload of the snack foods and pored through them.
Mostly, the Cheetos were thin sticks; if we fused some of them, they may have looked like a…umm…nope, we got nothing. The occasional blobby Cheeto could have been a Garbador, but who is going to pay $87,840 dollars for a Garbador? We found one that was a perfect likeness of President Trump – we’re setting that one aside for future consideration. There was an ideal Reshiram, well, except for the fact that it had no wings, and a pretty good Metagross, except it had no metallic legs. We found ourselves growing frustrated, so we decided to call it a night.
Never fear! We will continue to – BEEEEEEEEELCH! – ooh, sorry about that – don’t know where that came from – we will continue our Cheeto Pokemon search tomorrow. The rent won’t pay itself, you know!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Gaza Upon My Works, O Ye Mighty, And Despair!
Now that Phase One of the Israeli/Palestinian ceasefire has been completed, Phase Two, which involves a release of all Israeli hostages in return for the withdrawal of Israeli forces from Gaza and a lasting peace, should be taking place. Instead, Israel is pressuring Hamas to return half the hostages in return for a promise to maybe, sort of, if we feel like it but don’t hold your breath negotiate for a lasting truce.
To spur on its preferred path forward, Israel has cut off electricity to Gaza. Combined with last week’s suspension of supplies of aid to the region, NGOs and ordinary citizens are expressing concerns that this could lead to mass starvation, dehydration and death from related causes.
“What?” smirked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “We have lived up to the ceasefire – we haven’t shot a single Palestinian. Well, not in Gaza, in any case. Still…can we be blamed for the fact that human beings have evolved with a need for food and water? What, do Jews control biology, now?”
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1097359731597]
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“…As Long As It’s Okay With Elon…”
“We will restore founder’s original vision for the constitution. They wanted limited government with careful oversight by Congress.”
– Speaker of the House Mike Johnson
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Gay Talese? Marvin Gaye? Gay Paree?
Nope, Still Not Seeing It
The Trump administration plans to eliminate 26,000 items from the Air Force web site because they “highlighted DEI.” What could “highlighting DEI” actually mean?
A survey of the photos that are being removed could give a clue. They include: Paul Tibbets in front of the plane he piloted, the Enola Gay; Sergeant General C. A. Gay; Gloria Gaynor entertaining troops; pilots eating Gay Lea ice cream; and Marcia Gay Harden playing an Air Force fighter pilot.
If only a pattern emerged from these disparate images we might be able to see what the Trump administration was really up to. If only they had something obvious in common…
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,DEI-aiai]
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Whoa! NOT Where I Thought You Were Going With That!
The length of bread lines in major American cities like New York and Chicago has increased dramatically as families have been evicted from their homes, unable to pay their rents because the labour market has contracted so drastically. This is bad news for landlords, of course, as their properties sit empty.
When this was brought to his attention, President Herbert Hoover responded, “There is a period of transition because what we’re doing is very big. We’re bringing wealth back to America. That’s a big thing. It takes a little time…”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32641005314648021384fx]
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Maybe, But That Would Make Him The Ungrateful Little Shit One
Geez Louise, people are getting their knickers in a Geordian knot just because Wayne Gretzky – who I would like to remind people, was not known as “The Okay One” or “The Pretty Good One” or “That Guy Who Really Knows How To Play That Game…One,” he was known as “The Great One -” applauded Team USA instead of Team Canada at the Finale Four hockey tournament.
Well, let me tell you something, knickers wearing Geordies! Gretzky doesn’t owe Canada a thing. Not a single thing. Nope, not one. The fact that he built his fortune on a game Canada created and adopted as its national sport is…irrelevant? Well, it’s kind of a little relevant, don’t you think? The fact that Canadians enthusiastically supported him throughout his hockey career means…umm…nothing. Not, err, really. I mean, not when you think of it…
Geez Louise, when I think of it, he’s an ungrateful little shit, isn’t he?
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#56238133665]
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Tariff? Terrif!
First, President Trump introduced across the board tariffs on all goods coming into the United States from Canada. Then, he delayed the tariff on the auto industry. A week later, he delayed the tariff on dairy products. What is his goal?
“You have to look at the big picture,” the President said.
Okay. The big picture included half a dozen representatives of major American building developers on their knees in the Oval Office, their hands spread out in supplication, apparently begging for an exemption for Canadian lumber.
“They love me,” President Trump chuckled.
SOURCE: The Lefty Hipp-Starr Show
[http://www.msnobc.msn.com/id/26471569/]
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If There Is A Lie To Be Spoken, You Know This Press Secretary Won’t Leavitt On The Table
We’d like to congratulate Karoline Leavitt on becoming Press Secretary to President of the United States of America Donald Trump. Way to go, Karoline! It is an honour to serve in a Trump administration. In her first week on the job, Karoline lied about tariffs, she lied about President Trump’s approval ratings, she attacked the media for misrepresenting the White House’s position on tariffs, she lied about who started the war in Ukraine, she lied about the administration’s immigration policy, she attacked Democrats for not being MAGA Republicans, and she lied about what DOGE was, what it was doing, and why.
Start with a bang, we always say! With a start like that, we’re certain you’re going to do the office proud!
Sincerely,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Stephanie Grisham, Kayleigh McEnany
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962738764715380-6-24cahs01.html]
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