Thank you, Ugarte Ungerleiden, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we discovered that a prediction made by Albert Einstein had been confirmed by modern science. Yes, Gerald Ashfallen from Moncton, New Brunswick, travelling by train through Switzerland, sneezed at precisely 2:37 pm, Greenwich Mean Time, causing a chain reaction that would lead to the train pulling in late by exactly three minutes, seven seconds. The fact that Einstein could predict this with such precision is a testament to his great intellect.
Oh, and scientists also found evidence of something about gravity waves or something.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
In Police Constable Dumbrowski We Trust
Responding to a complaint about images of the cross being put on police patrol cars in Brewster County, Republican Texas Governor Gregg Abbott said, “How will true believers know who will help them when the Earth splits open and demons from hell come to steal the souls of the faithful from their final reward?”
After a moment’s thought, Abbott added: “In a non-denominational way, of course.”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=549&but=allis1]
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Just Don’t Ask Him About The Komodo Drag – Oh, Shit!
Bob Elliott, half of the classic comedy team of Bob and Ray with Ray Goulding, has died of publicly unspecified causes at the age of 92. It
is
truly
the
end
of
an
era.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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But, What Do You Really Think?
If people could say what they really felt about…recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
“He truly was a pygmy among justices, made taller only by the fact that Clarence Thomas sat near him on the bench.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“His dissents were inconsistent and shoddily considered, but at least they had the advantage of being long-winded.”
– Alan Dershowitz
“One of the few justices on the Supreme Court who could make me look moderate!”
– Chief Justice John Roberts
“Ooh – here’s a tragedy I can turn into an opportunity!”
– President Barack Obama
“Oh, no, you can’t! We won’t let you!”
– Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell
“With so many important issues pending before the Supreme Court, the Senate has a responsibility to fill vacancies as soon as possible. It would be unprecedented in recent history for the Supreme Court to go a year with a vacant seat. Failing to fill this vacancy would be a shameful abdication of one of the Senate’s most essential Constitutional responsibilities.”
– Senate Minority leader Harry Reid
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=862&dir=bb]
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The Two Blockhead Policy
Saks Fifth Avenue is scheduled to open one of its tony stores in Toronto at Queen and Yonge Street. The only problem is, of course, that the name of the store doesn’t match the name of the street on which it fronts.
Changing the name of the store to Saks Yonge Street would be the logical solution to the problem, but that would mess with the store’s brand. The only other solution would be to change the name of the street to Fifth Avenue.
“Not the whole street. I mean, just two blocks around the store are all we need,” explained real-estate mogul turned retailer Richard Baker. “Jeez, it’s the longest street in the world – nobody’ll miss those two blocks!”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=1980992]
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Those Capitalists Are Animals!
The Egg Farmers of Canada has announced that it is fully committed to end the practice of its members of using “AA battery cages” by the year 22,016. “We understand that many people are concerned about the humaneness of keeping hens in cages that are essentially metal trusses that restrict their movements to blinking their eyelids,” said EFC Communique 12764 Ivan. “And we are happy to address that concern.”
Animal rights groups are outraged that the cages will take 20,000 years to be phased out. “You want a smooth transition,” argued EFC Communique 12764 Ivan. “Anything that disrupts their routine would upset our hens, and nobody wants that!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd5-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-b2eb4bb6a238]
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There Is A Special Place In Hell For People Who Consign Others To Special Places In Hell
“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other.”
– Madeleine Albright
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Then, It’s Reincarnated As A Retro Game
The Life Cycle of Social Media
BIRTH: a garage company gives birth to a bouncing baby app.
CHILDHOOD: a handful of early adopters buy the app, giving the company that created it a small economic boost that allows it to grow and do some advertising.
ADOLESCENCE: the app starts getting the attention of the media; its public profile raised, people start buying it in large numbers.
ADULTHOOD: the app has a huge user base, attracting interest from major online corporations, one of which buys it for an outrageous sum of money while maintaining that it will do nothing to “change the app’s fundamental character.”
SENILITY: the app’s new corporate owner changes it in order to make it better fit in with their branding and maximize their financial return on it; a trickle of people leaving the app because of the changes quickly becomes a torrent.
DEATH: with only a handful of users, the corporation decides it’s more economical to shut the app down than keep it running; it returns to the pixels out of which it sprang without notice, with only a scattered handful of people to mourn its passing.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160211/geeklynews/01youarenthere.htm]
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Avoiding The Difficult Choices – It’s The American Way!
Voters have been given a serious choice in this month’s primaries. Do you vote for Hillary Clinton to express how much you hate Jews, or do you vote for Bernie Sanders to express how much you hate women?
Here’s one solution: vote for just about any Republican candidate. That way, you can express all of your hatred at the same time!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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You Know What They Say: 700 Birds In The Hand Are Worth – Oww! Hey! – Watch Where You Stick Tha – Oww! Oww! Oww! Where Are You Taking Me? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE YOU’RE TAKING ME – OWW!
The Turkish army confiscated 700 parrots and 294 budgerigars on the Syrian border in an attempt to slow down a thriving trade in domesticated birds.
“Anybody who says that this operation was for the birds will be given a citation,” warned Istanbul police spokesperson Ahmed Fabriz. “Anybody who says that the officers who ordered or conducted the operation are birdbrains will be detained and questioned thoroughly for no less than 24 hours. Any questions?”
By the time the titters had subsided 10 minutes later, Fabriz had left the press room.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=X5XF23LWOLFFPQFIQMXSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=56530]
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