Thank you, Twinkle Stanford, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, legendary American journalist Walter Cronkite died at the age of 92. The number of living celebrities we in the office can do impressions of is rapidly dwindling to a precious few. Despite this, we have agreed by common consent to refuse to do impressions of Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer or, as funny as it might be, Glenn Beck. A fake news service has to have some standards, you know.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
And, Yet, Many Tourists Would Pay Good Money To See That
Despite having met all government criteria under a new tourism stimulus programme, Montreal’s gay and lesbian arts festival Divers-Cite has been denied federal funding.
“I’m sure it’s a…wonderful thing,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper commented, “but there was too great a chance that Industry Minister Tony Clement would be photographed with drag queens, and we just couldn’t risk it.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090721.eladvote0721_@/
BNStory/newsCatastrophe2009/]
Yo Quiero Doctor Murray!
Gidget the Chihuahua, the star of Taco Bell commercials in the 1990s, has died at the age of 15 of a massive stroke.
The coroner has taken the unusual step of asking for time to do a second round of toxicological screens of Gidget’s blood. At the same time, police have raided the offices of her most recent in a long string of doctors. Although no charges have been laid in Gidget’s death, people in the doctor’s office say that the police were muttering “manslaughter” under their breath.
“Uhh, yeah,” stated Gidget’s owner, Karin McElhatton, “I don’t know about this investigation. Gidget was a star, of course, but, at the end of the day, she was just a dog. You know?”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
His Public Life Was Full Of Hot Air And Left Destruction In Its Wake – Are You SURE There’s No Connection?
Meghan McCain has called Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher a dumbass. The Cameras for Dumbasses Foundation would like to state publicly that Mr. The Plumber is no way affiliated with our organization. For all we know, he doesn’t even like tornadoes.
SOURCE: Cameras for Dumbasses
[http://www.c4d.org/announcements/090721]
I Feel Healthier Just Thinking About It!
The Republicans have sponsored 160 amendments to President’s Obama’s health care legislation, all of which have been accepted by the Democrats. These include:
27. Defining eating Big Macs as a pre-existing condition.
36. In order to best serve the interests of pharmaceutical companies (because, after all, they’re people, too) enrolment in regional health cooperatives shall be capped at three people.
81. From now on, any mention of health care in the United Kingdom, France or Canada will be prefaced with a loud sneer and followed by a hoot of derisive laughter. Especially Canada.
99. Co-pays will equal not less than the entire cost of any procedure listed in Schedule C2f (also known as the “If You Lose An Arm and a Leg, You Lose An Arm and a Leg Clause”).
102. To contain costs, doctors will be encouraged to recycle medical diagnoses.
108. Throughout the process of health care reform, Democrats are mandated to praise bipartisanship while Republicans are free to oppose it in any way they desire. Fits of rage induced by this unequal relationship will not be recognized as a legitimate medical condition.
145. The health care heebie jeebies is now a recognized medical condition – but it still won’t be covered by health insurers.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382860234705379463748648263cahs01.html]
For A Few Seconds, Anyway
Another way you can tell the difference between conservatives and liberals: to make a quick buck to help solve short-term budget problems, both will sell historical buildings to developers to tear down and build condos over, but the liberal will have the grace to feel guilty about it.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=643&dir=bb]
We’ve All Been There (The Condition, If Not The Hospital)
Cinnabonkers: a condition where, against all reason, somebody eats gooey, sugary treats. EXAMPLE: Michael, a diabetic, had to be taken to the hospital after he went Cinnabonkers at Tim Horton’s
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
That We Know Of…
This is how inept the Bush administration was: according to a report by the Inspectors General of the US intelligence agencies, it was wiretapping citizens without any oversight, and it didn’t use any personal information it gathered to blackmail Democrats or the media to support it!
I swear, the Bush administration gave demagogues a bad name.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
A Written Agreement Is Not Worth The Air It’s Spoken With
“For its part, Export Development Corp. said that, in exchange for its $300 million, it extracted a commitment from Nokia Siemens to keep the wireless assets [of bankrupt Nortel Networks] in Canada.”
– Toronto Star, July 22, 2009
“Last week, the government took the extraordinary step of going to court to demand United States Steel Corp. meet job and production pledges that were part of its acquisition of Stelco Inc. in 2007.”
– Globe and Mail, July 22, 2009
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
I Know There’s A Flaw In That Reasoning Somewhere…
How is it possible that, when senior capitalists screw the economy into the ground, working people, especially those who belong to unions, get most of the blame? Simple, really.
STEP ONE: acknowledge that corporate CEOs pushed their companies to report exaggerated short term profits in order to maximize their outrageous pay packages.
STEP TWO: further acknowledge that stock market insiders created derivatives that nobody understood that had little underlying value but sold them for wildly inflated prices for as long as they could get away with it.
STEP THREE: SQUIRREL!
STEP FOUR: wonder if Paula Abdul is going to be given the amount of money she has asked for to keep being on American Idol.
STEP FIVE: read somewhere that corporations are failing, threatening to take the economy down with them, because unions are unwilling to give them major contract concessions. Think to yourself, yeah, that sounds right. Fucking unions. What else could the problem possibly be?
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=524&dir=bb]
Norman Bates Attacking Marion Crane With A Spoon Just Doesn’t Cut It
According to The Daily Telegraph, sales of knives are plummeting. People spending more time eating in front of the television or computer are, apparently, eating with just a fork or with their fingers.
This cannot be good for horror movies.
SOURCE: Jennifer’s Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]