Thank you, Tori Flora, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the electricity to the office cut out. Nobody knew what to do, so we all just stared at our blank screens hoping that the power would return soon. Some of us imagined what they would have been working on if they could, others hallucinated we dare not ask what. It became harder when night fell and, even after our eyes adjusted to the dark, it was difficult to make out the screens. At that point, most of us fell asleep. When we woke up the next morning, everything was back to normal, except there was a pile of bones where Guido Alvarez had been sitting. Management told us that Guido had gone on a sudden vacation to Aruba, and they weren’t sure when he would be back. Or, even if he would be back. Or, even if Aruba was where he went. (The story was…flexible.) We’ve all got vacations coming, so we totally believe what we were told. Sure, sure we do.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Some Call It Sexting
(Have Your Children Explain It To You)
After an astonishing press conference in which he admitted to sending lewd images and texts to at least half a dozen women who were not his wife, condemnation from Anthony Weiner’s constituents was immediate and harsh:
“Wha, he didn’t even get to stick it in anything? That’s what they call a sex scandal these days? Pathetic!”
“Oh, my goodness. Such a fuss! Our daughter Cecania sent pictures like that to all the boys at the Phi Beta Kappa frat house – it’s what the kids do these days, apparently. So, we told her she couldn’t play with the polo ponies for a week. Can we please tell this Congressman that he can’t play with the polo ponies for a week and get on to more serious matters?”
“You call those dirty pictures? Man, I seen dirty pictures, I know dirty pictures, and I gotta tell ya that I sent worse to my mother!”
Well, it is New York, after all.
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2011/06/03/politics/main542795.shtml]
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It Takes The Village People To Raise A Child
Some Ontario Catholic schools are discouraging the use of rainbows because they are seen as too politically charged for the anti-homophobia clubs and organizations that want to display them. To be on the safe side, the schools are also discouraging screenings of The Wizard of Oz because it contains the song “Over the Rainbow.”
“I mean, the song is sung by Judy Garland,” said Catholic school board spokesperson Bruce Brambell. “Do I have to draw you a map to Queersville?”
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
[http://ytb.gay/June_2011/rainbows.htm]
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It’s Not The Bullet That Kills You, It’s The Irony
With the revelation that police believe Sonia Varetsky may have met her killer in a bar, her case joins a string of others in which dating in real life is said to have played a role.
“To ensure their safety, we’re suggesting that women never leave their home,” the OPP announced. “You should make friends on Facebook or something online like that, there, but never actually, you know, meet anybody in person.”
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/news/how-to-hook-up-and-be-safe/]
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Putting The Tacky Back In Tacit
Jewish satirists have suggested that before Israel returns land to the Palestinians, the United States should return the land it took from the Indians. Oh, ha ha. Well played. You sure showed those bleeding heart supporters of Palestinian rights. Still, does this mean that you are admitting that Israel is engaged in an illegal land grab with genocidal implications?
Metaphors cut both ways, guys.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Time Is Not On Their Side
The problem with Bob Rae is that he is yesterday’s man. Not even yesterday – try three and a half weeks ago. That puts him in a better position than Marc Garneau, who is last year’s man, or Stephane Dion, who is six and a half years ago’s man. Carolyn Bennett is last decade’s man – a good trick considering she’s a woman! Of course, Scott Simms is a week Tuesday’s man and Justin Trudeau is either six months from now’s man or three years, eight months, four days and 27 hours from now’s man – it can be hard to tell what the future holds in store for us.
What we know for sure is that the Liberals don’t have a man for today.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20110602.eladvote0602_@/BNStory/newsLiberalpocalypse2011/]
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Not That They Share…Anything Worth Having
Paul Revere was a revolutionary war hero who warned the colonists that the British army was advancing on them. No, you’ve got it all wrong: Paul Revere warned the British that American revolutionaries were advancing on them. No, I’m pretty sure Revere warned the revolutionaries that the British were coming. Actually, Paul Revere warned the colonists that a Martian invasion was about to take place. All the history books say that Paul revere warned the colonists about advancing British troops. Yeah, well, War of the Worlds shows a Martian invasion! But
This item has been closed until we can figure out what Sarah Palin’s supporters are smoking.
SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Stupid_palin_supporters]
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Funny You Shouldn’t Say That…
A survey on the social network Badoo.com has found that Germans are the least funny people in the world. I would make a joke about this, but they wouldn’t get it.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Xe Me, Feel Me
Touch Me, Decapitate Me
I must admit that, when I first heard of Blackwater: Special Oops, a computer game based on the exploits of the infamous mercenary army, I wasn’t too impressed with the concept. But, boy, does this game deliver! Whether you’re playing as a Blackwater operative gunning down civilians in the way of a military convoy, or as a civilian being gunned down by foreign invaders, you feel like you’re right in the middle of the action!
Plus, the attention to detail in the game is superb. When you are playing Erik Prince at a Congressional hearing, you can practically feel the sweat on his forehead. And, when his company continues to get government contracts despite what is said at the hearings? Gaming doesn’t get much sweeter than that!
Three mutated thumbs way up!
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=359]
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