Thank you, The X That Marks The Spot, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we ate so much candy that our stomaches have been hurting for days. Days, we tell you! And, there’s no Tums big enough to help us! Next year, we won’t beat up so many trick or treaters.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Irony Rises From The Grave
The Bush administration has been cutting veteran’s benefits even as they extend their terms. This is a marked departure for the United States. During the Vietnam war, homecoming veterans were disrespected by peaceniks; now, they’re disrespected by the government that sent them to war.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1776746800223460.xml]
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Hah FahveTM!
Hey! My name is Yasmina! My friends call me “Good Times” because I’m the fourth best prostitute in all of Kazakhstan!
Hey! My name is Fiannanana! My friends call me “Tipsy” because I love drinking fermented horse urine!
Hi! My name is Chlorina! My friends call me “Demon-child” because I can’t wait for this year’s running of the Jews!
BoratzTM dolls. From the barrens of Kazakhstan to your daughter’s bedroom.
SOURCE: Boratz.com – The Official BoratzTM Site
[http://www.boratz.com/]
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Almost Like Being There…To The Xtreme!
You want all the thrills of an Extreme Vacation, but, being a Canadian, you’d really rather not have any of the potential violence and mayhem. In short, you want a Safe Xtreme Vacation.
Well, now, thanks to Bob and Doug Travel, you can have your wish! Bob and Doug Travel will book you a space at a local Tim Horton’s. Once you’ve been seated at your table, you can pretend that you’re actually in Kandahar, where real Canadian troops are really fighting and dying to…well, we’re really not sure what they’re supposed to be doing, but they are fighting and dying, and that’s scary dangerous.
Safe Xtreme Vacations: the future of travel.
SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations
[http://www.lookingforsafeadventure.com/asafedventuretravelsites.htm]
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Hostilities Break Out In The War On English
The Bush administration has decided not to stay the course on the phrase “stay the course.” “Stay the course has run its course,” spokesman Tony Snow frantically obfuscated. “Of course, stay the course will be given a full military funeral, with honour guard and…and…whatever else a military funeral entails.”
Stay the coursers, some of whom have been with the phrase since virtually the beginning of the Iraq war, are furious. “Stay the course has allowed us to, well, stay the course this far,” Iraq war architect Paul Wolfowitz, taking time out from economically raping developing countries, commented. “Stay the course is a strong catchphrase, one that projects seriousness of purpose and strength of will. Even if the president breaks faith with stay the course, it will always live on in our hearts.”
Looking for another catchphrase for the war in Iraq, the White House has, in recent weeks, floated “Stand firm and stand tall” (which people were getting confused with “we will stand down when they stand up” rhetoric) and “Tall in the saddle” (which people confused with something Ronald Reagan might say).
The search for a proper Iraq war catchphrase continues.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21773]
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My Spine Tingles Just Thinking About It
In response to campaign ads in which Michael J. Fox, who suffers from advanced Parkinson’s Disease, supported candidates who favour stem cell research, Rush Limbaugh made fun of Fox’ disease. “Parkinson’s? Pfah – that’s nothing,” Limbaugh said when the inevitable complaints started pouring in. “I would make fun of AIDS, diabetes, gonorrhea and the Bubonic Plague if I had to to score cheap political points.”
Limbaugh’s producers argued that his impression of a Parkinson’s sufferer was actually a rehearsal for Halloween, but that doesn’t really justify it. After all, the scariest way for Limbaugh to celebrate Halloween would be to dress up as himself.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2006/2006/10/29/foxintheouthouse/]
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Some Questions Have No Easy Answers. Fortunately, These Are Not Among Them
Top nine questions that could have changed the course of history if only the press had asked them of the Bush administration in a timely fashion.
9. If Saddam Hussein really had all of these super-massive weapons of destructiveness, why didn’t he use them when we invaded his country?
8. Does anybody remember that picture of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein? No, that’s not the question. The question is: why didn’t anybody notice the joy buzzer in Hussein’s palm?
7. Did Colin Powell really believe that lying to the American people was the right way to go about becoming the first black President?
6. Who was his adviser, and how can we make sure that this person stays away from government for the rest of his life?
5. Are you on crack?
4. Quick – what are the three main religious groups in the area? Why do you think imposing a government on them is going to make them live in peace and harmony? Are you some kind of hippy leftover from the 1960s?
3. Why are you so afraid of a recount?
2. If we were so concerned about Hussein’s gassing of the Kurds, why didn’t we do something about it while it was happening? I mean, why wait until it was featured on an episode of Cold Case Squad?
1. No, seriously, are you on crack?
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
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Coming Soon To An Election Near You: Potemkin Districts
President George W. Bush kicked off the mid-term elections in Connegunda, California. “See, I know Franklin Q. Plangburner,” President Bush told a cheering crowd. “He’s a good man. A family man. And, a true Republican. And, he’ll make a great addition to the House of Representatives. See, with more men like Franklin Q. Plangburner in Washington, we can really accomplish great things!”
Later in the day, White House spokesman Tony Snow admitted that there was no such candidate as Franklin Q. Plangburner. “The President really wants to campaign, like badly wants to campaign,” Snow told reporters, “but no Republican candidate wants to be seen within a mile of him. So, we made up a phony district in California for him to campaign in. Just don’t tell the President, okay? It would break his heart.”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32377641414841314687fx]
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