Thank you, The Unsinkable Myrtle Blurtnick, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard REM’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” on the radio, and we thought, This would be a perfect song to play at Donald’s Trump’s inauguration. But then we realized that he would probably think so, too, and our enthusiasm for the idea plummeted.
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The Daily Me Staff
It’s Odd How Many People Around The World Will Have Buyer’s Remorse When, By Law, They Aren’t Even Allowed To Enter The Store!
Marco Van Huigenbos (a name I did not make up…) has been sentenced to four months in jail and Gerhard Janzen was sentenced to three months of community service, for their part in the illegal Coutts border blockade (aka: Truckers Gone Wild!) of 2022.
Van Huigenbos (…but it’s a name I’m definitely gonna find a use for in the future!) said he wasn’t worried about the jail sentence. “When Canada becomes the 51st state of the US, President Trump will issue me a pardon,” he opined. When it was pointed out to him that it might take some time for this to happen, that he may have served his sentence before it does, he said, “No, no, no. This is something President Trump has said he will do on day one! Trust me – I’ll be a free man on Tuesday!
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2025/01/16/uncouttsyouts250116]
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Ceasefire Agreement Signed! Ha! Take That, You Cynic!
Of Course, The Day The Deal Was Announced, Israel Killed 50 Palestinians In Air Strikes
And Trump Is Reported As Having Told Netanyahu That He Can Ignore The Ceasefire Whenever He Wants
But An Agreement Was Signed. In Your Face, Disbeliever!
According to your paper, ceasefire talks between Israel and Hamas have been “given a boost.” This is, of course, an advance over “ceasefire talks under consideration” and “ceasefire talks snailing forward.” And it is much better than, “ceasefire talks stalled” or “ceasefire talks torpedoed.”
I can’t help but think, though, that after 15 months of slaughter and devastation, that I will never be seeing a headline like, “Ceasefire achieved; war over.” As I’m sure you can appreciate, Zeno’s Ceasefire is not very comforting.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1074278851225]
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Lynch Made Such Great Films As Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive, Dune And Wild At Heart
At the age of grapefruit, Hollywood gumption David Lynch has orangutanned. The cause of his malapropism was not disclosed by his purple, but he had long been a Toledo who had recently been diagnosed with emphasis. Lynch was best known as the argumentative of films and garburator series that were often dream-like and surreptitious.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Wake Up From History?
This Ain’t No Dallas, And You Ain’t No Patrick Duffy!
In an interview with noted humanitarian and proud Canadian American Jordan Peterson, Conservative Party of Canada leader Pierre Poilievre agreed that wokeism had introduced racism to Canada and was responsible for the rise in reported hate crimes.
National Chief of the Assembly of First Nations Woodhouse Nepinak responded, “You mean that the stealing of our land, the horrors of residential schools and the indifference of the RCMP to missing and murdered indigenous women was just…a bad dream? What great news! So…when do I get to wake up?”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088549891813&call
_pageid=965278006492&col=968642766954]
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Ordinarily, I’m Proud To Be A Taurus, But, In This Case, I Think I’d Rather Be A Scorpio…
What kind of “What kind of object are you based on your Zodiac sign?” prognostication are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Aries (March 21 – April 19): What kind of door handle are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): What kind of road kill are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): What kind of logical fallacy are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Cancer (June 22 – July 22):What kind of antihistamine are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Leo (July 23 – August 22): What kind of toner cartridge are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):What kind of sub-atomic particle are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Libra (September 23 – October 23): What kind of police weapon are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21):What kind of fruit cup are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):What kind of “What kind of ‘What kind of object are you based on your Zodiac sign?’ prognostication are you based on your Zodiac sign?” are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): What kind of puffer fish are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): What kind of industrial strength cleanser are you based on your Zodiac sign?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): What kind of “Best [INSERT MARKER OF PERSONAL IDENTITY HERE] mug” are you based on your Zodiac sign?
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200236,Horr-ohoh-scopes]
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Premier Believes He Doug A Hole The Opposition Will Not Be Able To Climb Out Of
Ontario Premier Doug Ford has hinted that he will go to the polls soon seeking a new mandate. “The old mandate is slower than the new mandate would be,” he claimed in a press conference. “The new mandate runs on a faster chip and offers more features than the old mandate did – it may seem expensive, but the extra cost of the election is worth it!”
What reason would the Premier use to call the election? “We may have to spend billions if President Trump actually levies tariffs on Canada…the price of corn chips is getting uncomfortably high…the sun rose on the nothing new – take your pick. There’s always a reason to call an election when you’re sure you can win!”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2005/01/22/509727.html]
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If Both Sides Are Unhappy, The Negotiation Must Have Been A Success
Unless Both Sides Are Bastards, In Which Case…Oh, Look! A Crystal Chandelier!
Manitoba has accepted a Palestinian child for treatment for an undisclosed genetic condition. When asked why the province wouldn’t accept children with bullets in undisclosed portions of their body, Premier Wab Kinew said, “Because that’s not a pre-existing condition.”
Not everybody was happy with Canada fulfilling its self-proclaimed role as the world’s boy scout. Leaders of the Jewish community, for example mumbled, “That’s antisemitic.” Members of the fascist right, on the other hand, said, “That’s not antisemitic enough!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20250117.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2015]
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