Thank you, The Hochstadtler Interregnum Movie, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read that Jennifer Lawrence has had enough of acting and wants to go off and live with goats. Jennifer Lawrence! Hunger Games Jennifer Lawrence! X-Men Jennifer Lawrence! We know, right? Goats! So, we got out our Acme catalogue and bought ourselves a goat costume. We saw a wolf do something similar in a cartoon once. What could possibly go wrong?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Chins Of The Journalists Who Try To Pull Him Off Her? Fistily?
“The Al Frankenstien picture is really bad, speaks a thousand words. Where do his hands go in pictures 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 while she sleeps?”
– Donald Trump tweet
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/franken-my-dear-i-do-give-a-damn/]
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MP NSFS (Not Safe For Sanity)
INT. BARROOM – NIGHT
BRAD, 15, and BERNADETTE, 14, sit on the floor of a tackily carpeted basement barroom. Between them is a pot in which pot is growing. To their left is a fully stocked bar.
BRAD: Do you feel anything?
BERNADETTE: Naah. You?
BRAD: Nothing.
BERNADETTE: How long has it been?
BRAD: (looks at watch) Twenty-three minutes, fifteen seconds. Sixteen…seventeen…eight –
BERNADETTE: It should have worked by now.
BRAD: Maybe we should eat another leaf.
BERNADETTE: If the first one didn’t do anything for us, why would another one?
BRAD: Maybe…maybe there wasn’t enough TCP in one leaf…
BERNADETTE: Or, maybe the leaves need to be processed before you can get a buzz off them! (thwaps Brad in the forehead with one finger)
BRAD: But, but, but, Peter Kent said this was as bad as fentanyl! He’s an MP – he knows stuff!
BERNADETTE: (dry) Not this stuff.
PAUSE
BRAD: So…uhh…whiskey?
BERNADETTE: Make mine a double!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Imagine How The Women Felt!
Some of what has been said about me is untrue, “but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed.”
– Matt Lauer addresses the accusations of sexual misconduct against him
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Oh…! You Didn’t Read The Handwritten Note On Page 379 Of The Tax Bill, Did You?
SOURCE: T-dot ts
[http://t-dotts/store/new]
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THAT Turkey Made A Deal With The Special Prosecutor – What Is Beyond Pardoning? Oh, Yeah – Dead To Us Now
As part of the White House Thanksgiving tradition, President Donald Trump pardoned a turkey. There is no truth to the rumours that he called it Mike.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2007/ALLPOLITICS/07/28/reps.main/index.html]
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All Of Ottawa Is In Morneauing For The Lost Morality Of Politics
Finance Minister Bill Morneau did not place all of his businesses in a blind trust, the most effective way of ensuring that he does not personally benefit from legislation his government passes. Has he personally benefitted from legislation his government has passed? Who knows? Not knowing is kind of the point.
Is it the middle of the Liberals’ term already? Honestly, their corruption explodes on such an exact timetable, you could set your calendars by it!
Meanwhile, Conservative leader Andrew Scheer has been stealing planks wholesale from the left in order to sell a “kinder, gentler” version of his Tories. Please! The man who opposes gay and reproductive rights and suckled at the government of Stephen Harper now wants people to believe that he’s Albert Freaking Schweitzer?
In the battle between corrupt and evil, evil still gets more of my attention.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Because Politics – It Explains Everything And Nothing
it’s always 1 thing or another) Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski voted against changes to the Affordable Care Act because they would have thrown millions of people off their health insurance plans. They have just voted for changes to the Income Tax Act that will throw millions of people off their health insurance plans. What changed their minds?
a) Senate Majority Leader McConnell promised them golden unicorn turds in exchange for their votes
b) President Trump promised to stay off Twitter for a month…a week…a couple of days…okay, let’s not get carried away, a few minutes in exchange for their votes
c) because politics
2 for the road – and make them stiff ones) John McCain voted against changes to the Affordable Care Act because they hadn’t been arrived at by general order. He just voted for changes to the Income Tax Act that would raise taxes on those making less than $50,000 while making large cuts to the taxes of millionaires and billionaires, even though there were no public hearings, Democrats were not consulted at any point in the writing of the bill, lobbyists were asking for changes the day before the vote and parts of the bill were scribbled notes written in the margins up to the day of the vote, which made reading and understanding the bill in its entirety before voting impossible. What changed his mind??
a) Senate Majority Leader McConnell promised McCain that he wouldn’t remember the vote in a few days time, so what the hell?
b) President Trump promised McCain that he wouldn’t live to see the consequences of his vote, so what did he have to lose?
c) because politics
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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A Microscopic Honour
I know it will probably sound silly
But I’ve always wanted my name to be on a bacilli
I could put up with all of the gigglers
If my name graced any of those microscopic wrigglers
Sadly, while I’ve been waiting for some microbiologist to do it
The band members of Rush have beaten me to it
If you want a microbe that can screech a high c
You now have pseudotrichonympha leei
If you are always on Ayn Rand alert
Watch for lyrics written by pseudotrichonympha pearti
Want guitar licks that sound like strife, son?
Get a load of tiny pseudotrichonympha lifesoni
They don’t quite trip off the tongue
As would pseudotrichonympha neilyoungi
And they wouldn’t be as fine
As a name based on mine
But if you’re musical legends in your own right
You can look forward to being part of the name of a microbe in a termite!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/758.html]
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Bipartisan Blame Allotment
@chuckschumer Mister President, please repeat often and loudly that the tax bill accepted by the Senate was passed without a single Democratic vote. When Americans find out how hideous it is, they will know who to blame. Your Friend, Chuck
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/schumers-sense-of-humour-not-just-a-rumour/]
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