Thank you, The Alabaster Pilaster Disaster, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we thought we caught a glimpse of the meaning of it all. Life. The universe. Maybe even everything. Why do we spend so much of our lives doing things we hate? Why do we inflict such pain and suffering on each other? Why, oh why, did Sasha Baron Cohen decide to make another Ali G movie? We thought, after all we had been through in this life, we had finally achieved a moment of clarity.
Turns out, it was gas. Apparently, our body doesn’t enjoy the twelve alarm chili as much as it used to. Okay, so this turned out not to be the major epiphany we thought it was. But small epiphanies are part of the journey, too…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
He Managed To Fit Three Cliches Into 23 Words
That’s A Mere 7.6 Words Per Cliche
You Can See Why He’s A Party Leader!
With an unexpectedly large win in the Sennett mid-term elections, Dumbopratic leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer has vowed, “There’s a new Sheriff in town, and we’re going to hit the ground running to deliver on our promise to the Vesampuccerian people!”
So, the Dumboprats will end President McDruhitmumpf’s disastrous tariff wars in order lower inflation by lowering prices for goods the Vesampuccerian people rely on?
“We’ll do what we can,” Sennett leader-elect Schumaihargowmer weaselled, “but you have to understand that prices are driven by international economic processes that are beyond our control.”
Un hunh. And will the Dumboprats be using their new powers to bring McDruhitmumpf cabinet members, and the President himself, to justice for rampant cronyism, self-dealing and repeatedly breaking the law?
“Okay, okay, calm down cowboy,” Sennett leader-elect Schumaihargowmer doubled down on his weaselling. “We will investigate government wrong-doing and, where we find it, we will issue scathing reports.”
Reports? So, nobody will be held accountable? In a court of law?
“The country just went through a bruising two years,” Sennett leader-elect Schumaihargowmer completed a trifecta of weaseldom. “What the country needs now is to heal from its national nightmare.”
When asked if he understood that the voters chose the dumboprats to achieve justice, the Sennett leader-elect shrugged and said, “Can I be blamed if they don’t understand how bi-partisanship works?”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32161641399641870687fx]
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Hard Not To Get Swept Up In The Enthusiasm
…Until You Remember Who The Enthusiasts Are
To the Editor:
I have a swastika tattoo on an intimate part of my anatomy. I do the Hitler salute so often, my friends wonder if it’s a neurological tic that should be looked after. As a good Nazi, I never thought I would feel gratitude towards Zionists, but it’s a funny old world.
So, I would like to thank Israel and Zionists throughout the world for equating anti-Zionism with anti-semitism. Now, the term has been so drained of meaning, I can get away with anything! Me and my friends Frank, Gunter, and Bill have been thinking about beating up a Rabbi. Why not? Palestinians will get the blame.
It’s a good time to be a Nazi!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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If You Listen Closely, You Might Be Able To Hear The Smirk Clawing Its Way Up His Throat
This is Dan Bongino’s serious face. How can you tell it’s his serious face? The stubble on his chin is standing at attention. And he’s not smirking. Not on the outside, I mean; he was born with an inner smirk that only an exorcism is likely to rid him of.
Dan Bongino was once the Deputy Chief of the FBI. Did you not know this? You must have blinked. How flaky do you have to be to be shitcanned by Donald Trump? And he wants us to take his word that somebody – anybody – is a threat to national security?
Not that Bongino, or any other Trump official, should be accusing anybody else of being a clown when their makeup is thick with riotous colours, and their clothes are more motley than any Crue. What? That’s not how they actually appear in public, it’s the result of an app on my phone? Well, you know what they say.
In technologia veritas.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Anti-vaxxers Think They Have Found Another “Winning” Issue
“A postpartum nightmare
Hamilton mother contracted life-threatening flesh-eating disease after a C-section”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1570385577]
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Trump Laments, “Will No One Rid Me Of These Meddlesome Judges?”
Admits He Doesn’t Know What It Means, But Is Sure It Will Make For A Clever Sound Bite
Federal judges have ruled against the Trump administration in immigrant cases 88% of the time in the last year. That means 14,000 of the 16,000 immigrants that were arrested were wrongly and unlawfully imprisoned. How does the administration respond to this?
“Only 16,000?” White House spokesferatu Stephen Miller mused. “At this rate, it’s going to take us 1,250 years to get all 20 million immigrants out of the country. We need to step up our efforts something fierce!”
SOURCE: The New York Crimes
[https://www.nycrimes.com/live/2026/11/02/national/-trump-immigration-spokesferatu-fierce]
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Lest We Remember
INT. STUDIO – DAY
A SOLDIER in a military uniform sits on a stool, addressing the camera directly.
SOLDIER: This is the time of year when we remember the ultimate sacrifice of our veterans who died in –
NARRATOR: (off) You mean, the ones who were shot in the gut, and writhed around in a trench for five or six hours in agony before they finally were released by the mercy of death?
SOLDIER: What? No! Eww! Why would you even –
NARRATOR: (off) Oh, so you’re referring to the veterans who got half their faces blown off by a grenade, and were in the mobile surgical hospital for several hours, doctors desperately trying to repair enough of the damage to keep them alive and ultimately failing?
SOLDIER: That’s not really what I want to focus on…
NARRATOR: (off) Surely, we can’t forget the soldiers who got dysentery from drinking contaminated water and literally pissed themselves to death.
SOLDIER: Why are you being so vulgar and disgusting? This is not the way we want to honour the sacrifices made by our veterans!
NARRATOR: (off) You would rather think that they all died in their sleep?
SOLDIER Who are you, and how did you get into my ad‽
NARRATOR: (off) This public service announcement has been paid for by The National Organization of Veteran Councils in Canada.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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