Thank you, Tameka Quinones, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Man, what a lousy week! Can we just take it as given that we have humiliated you mercilessly and move on? Thanks. We owe you one.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Trust An Oil Agnostic To Drill Deeper
There’s been a lot of punditism lately that the oil in the Alberta tar sands has created some kind of economic “miracle” out west.
Listen up, oil touting assholes! Parting the Red Sea was a miracle. Turning water into wine was a miracle. The Mets winning the World Series was a miracle. Making huge profits became feasible when scarcity drove the price of oil from traditional sources above the price of extracting oil from the tar sands. Nothing miraculous there – just the workings of the market that you are constantly extolling.
Jeez, don’t you guys ever read your own press?
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole!
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
more
The Story In Their Ayes
“Waterboarding would be excruciating. If I had water draining into my nose, oh
God, I just can’t imagine how painful! Whether it’s torture by anybody else’s
definition, for me it would be torture.”
– Michael McConnell, Director of National Intelligence
“We do not torture.”
– President George W. Bush
“We used it [waterboarding] against these three detainees [Khalid Sheik Mohammed, Abu Zubayda and Abd al-Rahim al-Nashiri] because of the circumstances at the time. There was the belief that additional catastrophic attacks against the homeland were inevitable. And we had limited knowledge about al-Qaida and its workings.”
– CIA Director Michael Hayden
“If it [waterboarding] is ever determined to be torture, there will be a huge penalty to be paid for anyone engaging in it.”
– McConnell again
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
Oh, Bitove Me!
John Bitove told the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission that if it granted him a licence to launch a new national television network, he would devote some of the income from the network to local programming. His roots as a fast food franchise executive were clearly showing, as he had obviously never heard the common CRTC phrases “As empty as a promise to fund programming” and “Ended as quickly as programme funding after the CRTC had granted the licence.”
His application will likely pass without serious challenge.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/76.htm]
more
Sheik And Ye Shall Find…Peace?
Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah’s threat to attack Zionists (read: Jews) anywhere in the world has been met with condemnation in most parts of that same world. And, rightly so.
What Hezbollah needs to do to gain the world’s respect is get a superpower to give it billions of dollars in aid a year. It should use this money (and whatever else it can scrounge up) to buy the (almost) latest military equipment, focusing on planes, bombs and tanks. It should then use these weapons to lay waste to large areas of Israel, including as much of its civilian infrastructure as possible.
Far more Israelis would die if this happened. But, at least Hezbollah would be fighting fair.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c44-bf9b-07b617cc93ec]
more
Hmmm…Where Have I Heard THAT Before?
“What we will not do is what the agent for the Taliban intelligence agency wants us to do over here, which is release to them information on detailed operations in the field.”
– Conservative House Leader Peter van Loan, intimating that Liberals sympathize with a foreign enemy
“Barack and Hillary have made their intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror. They would retreat and declare defeat. And the consequence of that would be devastating. It would mean attacks on America, launched from safe havens that make Afghanistan under the Taliban look like childs’ play… If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.
– Conservative Mitt Romney, in the speech where he announced he would no longer be running for President, pretty much saying the Democrats are in league with terrorists
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
Don’t Tase Me Br – OOHHH!
OB: My name is Officer Bob, and I’m addicted to tasing people.
GROUP: Hello, Officer Bob.
OB: What do you mean by that?!
BZZZZZZT. SOUND: various screams. SCENT: whiffs of burning flesh.
OB: Sorry. Sorry. Can you believe I had actually gone 23 minutes without tasing anybody?
PHIL: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!
OB: Yeah. Sorry, Phil. Sorry.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
Remember The Rocket’s Red Glare?
Congress was more fun than usual when Brian McNamee, former trainer for pitcher Roger Clemens, testified that he had injected the seven time Cy Young Award winner with illegal human growth hormone, and Clemens testified that he had never used illegal substances like HGH. One of them clearly must be lying, but which one? Which one?
What helped me decide was when Clemens testified: “If I’m guilty of anything, it’s of being too trusting of everyone, wanting to see the best in everyone and being too nice to everyone.” That’s when I knew he was lying.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#51238186765]
more
And, The Country Would Rock!
Boston (the band, not the city) has asked Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee to stop playing its song “More Than a Feeling” at his rallies, pointing out that they do not support any candidate, and if the band did, it would certainly not be him. This surprised many people, who thought Huckabee would only play gospel hymns at his rallies.
This comes after John Mellencamp complained that the John McCain campaign was using his song “Our Country” without his permission. This was also a surprise, since most people thought McCain would only play military marches at his rallies.
If the election was for best song, the Democrats would unquestionably have the next lead guitarist in the White House.
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/11/election/main542815.shtml]
more
Trekkers: Take A Valium And Count To About A Billion Before Writing To The Editor
“Toronto’s Hayden Christensen is David Rice, who discovers a supernatural ability to beam himself around the world without asking Scotty to warm up the transporter tube.”
– Toronto Star reviewer Peter Howell on the film Jumper
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more