Thank you, Takako Salowitz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. JESUS! Are we really going to spend the rest of our lives anonymously slaving away at shit we’re not interested in for people who don’t even care to read it? Are we really as disposable as this daily compendium of crap – oh, we’re sorry, we meant “news” – that we’re responsible for? You know, if somebody from Microsoft even hinted that there were positions open, we’d be out of here so fast the friction would melt this building to the ground! In fact –
Oh. Wait. Did we type that out loud?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
When The World Has Become The Twilight Zone, It Pays To Listen To The Man Who Lives There
“Whenever you write, whatever you write, never make the mistake of assuming the audience is any less intelligent than you are.”
– Rod Serling
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Placing The Ads Over Bathroom Urinals Seems To Be Aiming Too High
Conservatives are scrambling to defend a series of radio commercials and ads above bathroom urinals that accuse Stephane Dion and the Liberals of wanting to take people’s first-born children as a tax on their carbon consumption. What the Liberals may want all these children for is never really explained in the ads, although it’s hard to imagine that it could be anything good.
MP Jason Kenney argued that the ads did not misrepresent the Liberal position, stating: “This is a legitimate debate over policy.”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=10885918341813&call_pageid=968335868492&col=946366972154]
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Team UBoat’s Squid Goulash Just Gave People Indigestion
At least 27 people were rushed to hospital with food poisoning after a corporate team-building exercise went very, very wrong.
On Saturday, Dynamic Interventions, Limited, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, split the employees in its marketing division into three teams and gave each a recipe that they had to complete in the shortest amount of time. Somehow, strychnine made it into Team Zeppelin’s chicken crevette.
Police are investigating the incident.
Ned Feeblish, Vice President, Public Relations and Kitchen Stations, stated, “Making them sick is not the best way to build loyalty among your employees. In future, we will not require employees to eat the food that they prepare in team-building exercises – we’ll donate it to the nearest animal shelter. That’s an important lesson learned, one that I’m sure all businesses will profit from.?
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322642414641557687fx]
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Imagine God’s Surprise At Seeing Him
United States Senator Jesse Helms has died at the age of 86. Imagine his surprise when he found out that god was a gay black woman!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Being A Pioneer Of Conspiracy Theories Is Like Being The World’s Tallest Midget, You Ask Me
Lighten up, Gerald! Mike may not have always been on top of his facts (he really should have updated hourly, if you ask me – anything less and you miss so much!), but the man was a pioneer of conspiracy theories. He was the first person to realize that the CIA perfected a time machine and sent an agent back into the 19th century to kill President Lincoln – a theory for which he never got proper credit. Besides, what is this “broader conspiracy community” of which you speak? We’re just a bunch of loners howling into the void.
SOURCE: Frank’s Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignorefrankatyourperil.com/conspiracy2316.html]
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The Only Antidote For The Procrastination Fairies Is To Spend Several Hours Watching Tornado Videos On YouTube
incomprehensible +1) Why, given their majorities in both houses and mandate for change, have Congressional Democrats voted in favour of legislation legitimizing government wiretaps and extending the Iraq war without conditions such as a timetable for withdrawal?
a) they live for their Presidential tummy rubs (and, to be fair, the President does give great tummy rubs)
b) Nancy Pelosi defines “compromise” as “giving Bush whatever he wants so that he won’t sic Sean Hannity on us”
c) the procrastination fairies are being paid double time and a half, but only if they get results
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The New Trend In Celebrity Journalism: Womberazzi
There has been much speculation about Angelina Jolie’s unborn children. Well, speculate no more! Entertainment Right Now has EXCLUSIVE VIDEO FOOTAGE FROM INSIDE ANGELINA JOLIE’s WOMB! We can tell you that the twins have her cheekbones and his…equipment. That’s right! – they’re boys!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2008/2008/07/02/newhorizonsincelebrityobstetrics/]
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Tax Will Cause Vesuvius To Erupt And Your Children To Renounce Your Values
ANNOUNCER: On the line is Bill talking about Stephane Dion’s carbon tax.
BILL: Hi. I’m an actor playing an average person in radio ads. I had never heard of this carbon tax before I was hired to perform in this commercial. In truth, I was only barely aware of Stephane Dion – he’s some kind of politician, right? I have to say that, having given it all of 27 seconds of attention, I don’t really understand it. But, if we don’t oppose it, it will destroy our way of life and probably give our children Herpes.
ANNOUNCER: Stephane Dion’s tax on everything: it will destroy your way of life and it will give your children Herpes.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1234952604]
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Only Vishnu – Shiva Prefers A Club Sandwich on Toasted White
The Supreme Court has overturned a Washington, DC statute that limited personal ownership of handguns. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote that handguns are very useful because they “can be pointed at a burglar with one hand while the other hand dials the police, a third hand takes a photo of the criminal with a cellphone and posts it to the Web while the other hand makes a ham sandwich on pumpernickel.”
Court watchers are scratching their heads over the decision, which appears to be applicable only to Shiva, Vishnu and other Hindu deities.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A46881-2008June26.html]
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Assuming The Audience Is Less Intelligent Than They Are
“It is not at all the intent to turn our schools into police buildings.”
– Trustee Cathy Dandy
“I do not intend to have my police officers be hall monitors.”
– Toronto Police Chief Tony Blair explains that officers patrolling schools will be in full uniform and carry guns
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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