Thank you, T. Suzanne Nami, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we weren’t all that interested in the feud between Drake (who sounds like he sings about angry waterfowl, unless he sings like an angry waterfowl, not that the two are mutuallu exclusi – uhh…) and Kendrick Lamar (who sounds like a country singer – not that we want to wade into that can of racist worms), until the Toronto Sun illustrated an article on the subject with a photo of a random Black man. That got our attention. Or, rather, the backlash against the photo. Sorry, but we couldn’t share in the outraged accusations of racism against the newspaper. Where were the accusations of racism when the Sun illustrated an article on conflict between Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Pierre Poilievre with a photograph of Shemp from the Three Stooges? Not even Curly, either – Shemp! And what about the time the newspaper ran an image of a white guy we’re still trying to identify next to an article about Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s war of words against Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy?
But the moment you try to pass off a random Black dude for Black celebrities…!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
He Has A Girlfriend, But I’ve Got Plans For Her…
He has the most gorgeous, masculine paunch I have ever seen. When he drives by on his scooter, taking video of protesters as he passes, he looks like Napoleon surveying his troops. How could a girl not swoon in such a presence? Whether he’s wading into a crowd of social justice warriors or backing women half his size onto the street, he exudes masculine power. When challenged about his Jewishness, he roars, “Do you want to see my penis?” Yes! Yes! Oh, God, Lee, yes!
Whoo – is it warm in here, or is it just me?
Umm…uhh…I mean…when the history of this S’ad, sorry time is written, Lee “No Last Names, Please – I Have a History” will be remembered as the sexiest chronicler of left-wing agitators. Sorry. As the most forceful chronicler of left-wing agitat – no, sorry, again. As…a chronicler of left-wing agitators.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657cdc48eec]
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Not Exactly Reaganesque, But Expectations Have Diminished Over The Decades To Such An Extent…
In a party line vote, the House of Representatives has passed the Refrigerator Freedom Act. “For too long, refrigerators have been treated like second class citizens in terms of kitchen appliances,” claimed Speaker of The House Mike Johnson. “Standing freezers get all of the respect and dishwashers get all of the love. But refrigerators serve a noble purpose, and they should be recognized for it.”
In the same session, the House passed the Liberty in Laundry Act – which takes caps off of what owners of public washers and dryers can charge the public, as well as banning parents from imposing the washing of clothes on their children – and the Hands Off Our Home Appliances Act, which outlawed the federal government from confiscating people’s stoves for military use in times of national emergency.
“You’ll get my thirteen speed blender when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers,” Speaker Johnson rhetorically demagogued, to the cheers of his caucus.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2024/ALLPOLITICS/05/12/reps.main/index.html]
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The Peanut Gallery Has Been Replaced By The Nuclear Bomb Gallery
Performers Have A Right To Be Nervous
India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced that, “Today, even India’s enemies know: this is Modi. This is the New India. This New India comes into your home to kill you.” Then, he looked to his right to see how the figures waiting in the wings would respond.
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin slowly clapped. “Your threat was a little too direct,” he advised. “You need to be able to communicate menace while being able to maintain plausible deniability that you’re making a threat. Still, you’re relatively new at this. You’ll learn.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu nodded in Modi’s direction. “You could use a little more anger,” he commented. “Your outrage wasn’t as effective as it could have been. Otherwise, that was a great first effort.”
Modi didn’t thank them for their notes, although he may as well have.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DuereDE/wXeR.WzvwF?7wF~/DuereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DueReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=72006]
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There Are No Takebacksies In Obituaries!
Roger “King B” Corman has died of natural causes at the age of 98. Many of Hollywood’s most well known directors and stars, including Martin Scorsese, Ron Howard, Jack Nicholson and Robert De Niro started their careers in films produced by Corma – did I say he died of natural causes? That doesn’t seem right for somebody who produced as many horror films as he did. Let me start again.
Roger “King B” Corman has died in a surreal technicolour sequence fighting a ten foot tall shambling, vampiric mud-monster in the vague shape of a human being, succumbing to the fire that destroyed the beast after having his head nearly completely sheered off by the cybernetic claw of a mutant ninja cat.
There. That seems much more appropriate.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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What Is It With Government Officials Named Miller?
Despite all ten provinces saying they were ending their agreements to hold undocumented immigrants in their facilities, the Canadian government is sticking to its plan to hold “high-risk” migrants in prisons.
“We’re just trying to make them feel welcome to our country in the same way that they were welcome in their homelands,” said Immigration Minister Marc Miller. “But do we get any praise for trying to make newcomers feel at home in Canada…?”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2024/05/13/509727.html]
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Sorry, Parody Is Down The Hall – Look For It In Room Seven
Stalker Boy, Stalker Boy
His superpower is to annoy
Sticks his camera in your face
Makes rude comments about your race
Look out!
Here comes the Stalker Boy!
Is he a bully?
Listen, Mac
His bulk makes it look like he’ll attack
Does he push? Does he shove?
Personal space he thinks he’s above
Back off
Here comes the Stalker Boy
In harsh light of day
At a protest for needy
He’ll push you out of the way
To fill his video feed…y
Stalker Boy, Stalker Boy
Hostile, aggressive Stalker Boy
What does he live on? Who can say
His life’s goal is to ruin your day
Look out!
Here comes the Stalker Boy!
And remember kids: with great power comes no responsibility
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/909.html]
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