Thank you, Susannah “Butch” McCorkle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we spent a little time in the pot store that just opened in Colorado – just browsing, mind you. Because we would nev – hee hee hee. We mean – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, man! Look at that colour! We’ve never seen anything like that colour! There should be a word for that colour. Blibblefuister! Yeah, yeah, that’s good. We can’t wait for the Pantone pattern! Blibblefuister – we want that on our wall! Hah! Uhh, just browsing because – ahem! – we’re serious journalists, and we don’t experiment with –
You wouldn’t happen to have a bag of potato chips under the hat you’re wearing…do you?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
It’s A Top Dog Eat Dog World
Employers convicted of killing and eating employees will be allowed to access Canada’s Temporary Foreign Worker programme after Ottawa decided to back away from a proposed ban.
“This is a victory for employers throughout the country,” said Association of Canadian Piratepreneurs President Patrick Bateman. “Not allowing company executives to eat their employees would have made small businesses in this country uncompetitive. This is just about leveling the playing field.”
“The move is ultimately for the benefit of employees,” stated Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “After all, we shouldn’t let a little thing like cannibalism keep people from finding meaningful jobs.”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd0-f6f9-4f4f-9f87-a2eb4cc6a578]
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Did You Try Bacon? Mmmmmm…Everything Tastes Better With Bacon!
Congress’ decision to cut millions of people out of the food stamps programme kicked in at the beginning of the year. While those who work with the poor believe it proves that Congress is made up of a bunch of heartless bastards, Republicans defended the move.
“Have you ever tried eating a food stamp?” rhetorically asked Speaker of the House John Boehner. “I did when I was in college. They’re bland and the glue always made me sneeze. I think I may be glue intolerant. Peanut butter…marinara sauce…shrimp – nothing made food stamps taste better – and, believe me, I tried everything I could think of!”
Okay, apparently the Speaker was not being rhetorical.
And, what about Congress also cutting long-term unemployment benefits for millions of out of work Americans?
“Oh, that’s just because we’re a bunch of heartless bastards,” Boehner answered.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2013Jan03.html]
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What About 83.279? Hunh – Call Yourself A Business Publication?!
Numbers that defined the year for investors:
1,848.36
3.03
57
36.1 billion
323
12.4 billion
94.02
28.6
10 billion
What? You need us to explain what those numbers mean? Weren’t you paying attention?
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/hosannabearsling/2013/12/27/numbers-runner-more-of-a-trotter/]
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Unfortunately, The Laws Of Propaganda Are Universal
American regulators have issued a warning that oil from North Dakota’s Bakken formation may be more flammable than traditional oil. The Canadian government, which allows the oil to be transported through the country, immediately reassured Canadians that this practice was perfectly safe.
“The laws of physics work differently down there,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper explained.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20121229.eladvote1229_@/BNStory/newsOops2012/]
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Cunningham On Wry
Do you spend evenings marveling at how funny right wing humourists are? Yeah – neither do I.
Now, you and I may not think that people who are mourning the violent deaths of relatives at candlelight vigils are a good subject for satire. But, you and I are not Blogger Matthew Cunningham, who took photos of a teddy bear with its head mutilated lying on the street next to two candles, one of which contained an image of the Virgin of Guadalupe (a sacred icon to Hispanics, but the image wasn’t racist because…umm…because, you see…can I get back to you on that one?). The comic potential of vigils for the recently killed is…well, it ends pretty quickly, actually.
According to Cunningham, the image satirizes the politicization of police shootings. How? Well, obviously, because…umm…because, you see… Well, okay, Cunningham may be a bit fuzzy on the details. But, what he lacks in knowledge of how satire actually works, he more than makes up for in a willingness to personally attack anybody who tries to point this out. As the wise saying truly advises: better to open your mouth and pour your stupidity throughout the Internet than to remain silent and let people think you’re a wuss. Or, something like that.
It’s a fine line between complete lack of human empathy and sociopathy. Fortunately, like most of its residents, the Bag of Crazy discriminates.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Fool Me Once, Shame On You
Fool Me Thirty-one Times, Shame On…Shame To…Won’t Be Shamed Again
The Coulda Fooled Me Blues
Silly Emily
Prima Donna Shawna
Inane Jane
Fool Jules
Bad Bet Yvette
Dense Hortense
Dumb Tatum
No Win Bryn
Obtuse Lucy
Phony Joni
Frail Gail
Slow Rhonda-Jo
Dim Kim
Ditzy Mitzy
Shrew Debby-Sue
Weird Shakira
Ludicrous Jess
Meanie Queenie
Stupid Enid
Obscene Maxine
Nutty Betty
Freak Angelique
Long Gone Yvonne
Mad Ariadne
Harridan Jan
Insane Elaine
Damn Pam
Crazy Daisy
Devil Raquel
Scary Mary
Dread Winnifred
No, I don’t hate women – why do you ask?
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/659.html]
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I, Heartless Huckabee
Excerpt from Learn Our History, a series of videos produced by Mike Huckabee:
ANNOUNCER: So you see, children, when George Washington crossed the Delaware on his horse, he was riding for religious freedom! And, years after General Ulysses S. Grant repelled the Daleks, he became President and established Christmas as a national holiday. But, it wasn’t just an alien invasion that would have destroyed our identity as a Christian nation that he stopped. No! President Grant also stopped the secular humanists from taking our Constitutional right to celebrate Christmas in everybody else’s face away from us!
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/huckabeeflat.shtml]
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Fortunately, There’s A Cream For Those Poor People Who Suffer From Purple Futons
Your Facebook status update:
Aargh! My head’s pounding – what did I do it to it last night?
Your Facebook post turned into a cartoon by Google’s patented new algorithm:
FIRST PANEL
FRIEND: You look like crap.
YOU: Aargh! My head’s pounding!
SECOND PANEL
FRIEND: What did you do last night?
YOU: What did I do last night?
THIRD PANEL
FRIEND: Aggravated splorch in the watching tower of Godivaism?
YOU: If I hadn’t begrebbled the dishwater, I wouldn’t be purple with futons right now!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/131221/geeklynews/01thefunstopshere.htm]
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