Thank you, Surete Swarthmore, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, it was announced that Mick Jagger is about to become a great-grandfather. Not a father – he has many children that we know of (and probably others that we don’t). Not a grandfather – his children have had children that we know of. And, he may have kept having children that we don’t know of. No, his granddaughter is four months pregnant. And, he may still be having even more children that we don’t know of. Ick. And, we thought: When did we get so old? Only, we didn’t use the word old. We used the word oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold. We’re just going to sit in a chair in the corner and listen to our joints creak now.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
We Have Nothing To Guppies Except Guppies Themselves
Some people are suggesting that Canadians shouldn’t fear Muslims in their country just because they don’t have any, you know, real power. They point out that there are no Muslim Members of Parliament and few Muslim Members of Provincial Parliament. Muslim judges are few and far between, they continue. The number of Muslims who contribute on a regular basis to the national media is miniscule, they add. Given all of these “facts,” they conclude that fear of Muslims is irrational.
Of course it’s irrational! That’s what fear is – irrational! Is it rational to fear guppies? Is it rational to fear purple toothbrushes! Is it rational to fear the dark corner in your bathroom under the sink behind the pipes even though you’ve looked at it a million times during the day and never found anything even remotely dangerous there? Of course not! If it was rational, it wouldn’t be fear, it would be…something else! Puppies or kittens or something!
CANADIANS! Embrace your fear of Muslims! Otherwise, who knows what the purple toothbrushes will do to you!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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The Immovable Object Meets The Spent Force
BOEHNER: I’m not going to bring the budget to a vote on the floor of the House of Representatives unless it contains clear measures to defund Obamacare. (pause) Did you hear me? I said that I’m not going to bring a budget to a vote on the floor of the House unless it contains a procedure to defund Obamacare. (long pause) HELLO? IS THIS MIKE ON? I SAID – oh. You heard what I said. Good. (pause) Umm, this is the point where you usually cave in to my demands. So, if you’ll just make an annou – what? You’re standing by your budget this time? (pause) Oh. Well. Ahem, I don’t think you understand how serious I am. There will be no vote on the floor of the House unless it contains a procedure to defund – what? You…you’re serious, too? No concessions? Oh, come on! You always cave – that’s who you are! (pause) Oh, yeah? Well…well…well, we’ll just see who is the stronger man here! Get back to me when you’re serious about negotiating! (11 day pause, and counting)
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/tantheman.shtml]
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A Place For Every Nation, And Every Nation In Its Place
The Harper Government of Canada is playing hardball with foreign governments. But, is its message getting through?
WHAT CONSERVATIVES SAY: TOUGH TALK
WHAT CONSERVATIVE SUPPORTERS HEAR: TOUGH TALK
WHAT CONSERVATIVE OPPONENTS HEAR: INTERNATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT
WHAT FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS HEAR: TOUGH TALK
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=779&dir=bb]
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Get Smart
The Brooklyn Orthodox Jewish community was rocked when it was revealed that a rabbi was arranging to have men kidnapped and physically tortured until they signed divorce decrees for their wives. “Physical abuse? That is not our way,” stated Rabbi Mendel Schmendel. “If it was me, I would have read them some Alice Munro. They would have been begging me for the divorce in seconds, and there would be no evidence on their bodies!”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=537&but=allis1]
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They NASA An Opportunity…
Due to intense ultraviolet radiation from pure unfiltered sunlight, flags left on the moon in the 1960s are now white. Never one to lose an opportunity, NASA is planning on marketing their own brand of invisible ink.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/dunking-mascots-10-07-13]
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Be Careful What You Wish For – You May Not Be Able To Plausibly Deny It Later
“It’s exactly what we wanted, and we got it.”
– Michelle Bachmann explains that Republicans are happy with the government shutdown
“They’re not gonna lock you up, brother. They’re going to have to get through me first.”
– Michelle Bachmann, standing with World War II veterans who were told they couldn’t get into a Memorial in Washington because of – you guessed it – the government shutdown
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Look “Indecision” Up In The Dictionary And You’ll Find [CLASSIFIED]
Canada has been spying on the Brazilian government in order to obtain important information for its efforts to support Canada’s oil industry. Spying on our allies to aid our commercial interests is wrong. Hee hee – it’s pretty cool that Canada is actually good at this spy shit. Still – ahem – it isn’t right. But, man, we were able to get into an encrypted server – how cool is that? Right, right, not cool enough to make it morally right. But, still…
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=7ec7ecda-b7e7-7c77-bf9b-77b777cc77ec]
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It’s Not The Size Of Your Popularity That Counts, But What You Can Do Without It
An Associated Press poll suggests that approval of Congress is at five per cent, slightly more than a previous poll earlier this year which indicated that four per cent of Americans believed lizard people controlled the government.
“This should come as no surprise,” said Gerhardt Hisssssssss, spokesreptile for the lizard people. “We have been trying to improve our image for years. You may recall the ad campaign where we showed that our members have squeezed the life out of fewer babies than we have in decades. And, of course, there was the ‘Adopt a Lizard – Not As Slimy As You Think’ Campaign. I approved of that one personally.”
“Oh, and we don’t control the government,” Hisssssssss added. “Just the House of Representatives and the IRS.”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32325931314607314647fx]
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You Don’t Have To Live In Crazy Poverty To Work Here – But It Helps (To Keep You In Line)!
Slogans you aren’t likely to see on clothes in Bangladesh:
- I
unlocked fire exits! - My other car is a pair of Fillauer legs!
- I worked in a t-shirt factory, and all I got was third degree burns on 70% of my body!
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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