Thank you, Soylent Green is – Urk!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a little switch in our brain went “click” and we started dropping random observations into conversations. In the middle of a heated argument in the office lunch room about Michael Cohen’s testimony at the Trump hush money payment trial, for example, we said, “Have you ever considered how much different the world would be if bluebirds were actually pink?” When two people near us on the subway started arguing that the carbon tax was a revenue grab that would impoverish average Canadians, we interrupted with: “But did the punk music of the 1980s have any lasting effect on mainstream culture?” When our partner explained that we were blowing the household budget by spending too much money on Turtle Wax (the San Francisco treat!), we responded with, “Was banning lawn darts an overreaction to a barely statistically significant number of gruesome deaths?”
This probably made us unpopular at work, and appears to have caused our friends and family to begin wondering about us. On the other hand, our productivity has skyrocketed!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
No Problem: Just Have Your Friends In Government Enact A Law Saying Any Criticism Of Jewish Lobby Groups Is Antisemiti –
Ah. Okay, Maybe A Little Problem…
One of the worst aspects of the racial slur that “Jews control the world’s finances” is that many antisemites argue that this money is used to exert undue influence on world governments. By donating large amounts of money to their preferred candidates, candidates who are sympathetic to Jewish causes and will owe them favours once they are in office, this racist conspiracy theory goes, Jews help them win out of craven self-interest. This is an absolute lie! Jews and the organizations that represent them, do not donate millions of dollars to politicians who support Israel’s defensive action in Gaza in the hope of shutting down debate on the subject! This baseless, antisemitic attack must be immediately and ruthlessly countered so that –
Ahem. AIPAC?
Oh, fuck.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1198724851595]
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Makes Sense. History Remembers Gerald Ford As “The Big Guy”
If, Uhh, History Remembers Gerald Ford At All…
“Had I been President Biden, when the Justice Department brought out indictments, I would have immediately pardoned him… Why? Well, because it makes me, President Biden, the big guy, and the person I pardoned the little guy.”
– Mitt Romney
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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More Voters Might Have Recognized His Bicycle Reference If Conservative Politicians Hadn’t Been So Enthusiastic About Promoting Cars Over Any Other Form Of Transportation
“Canada is broken,” said Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre, to the cheers of the Freedumb Convoy crowd that he sees as his natural constituency. There is, however, a much larger middle of the road electorate to which this type of rhetoric doesn’t play that well. For them, Poilievre added: “I mean, the front tire has a flat, the handlebars are bent and the horn sounds like a dying kazoo!”
Only time will tell if Canadian centrists bought that.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088831800513&call_pageid=935270178492&col=966972162954]
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This Is Going To Be The Strangest Television Production Of The Summer – No Debate!
Anna 1) President Joe Biden and insurrectionist-in-chief Donald Trump have agreed to hold two presidential debates. What reason will the Trump campaign give for their candidate pulling out of the debates at the last moment?
a) bone spurs
b) it’s a Democrat plot to keep him from campaigning
c) the former president would be delighted to participate, but the terms of his home confinement are very strict
Anna 2) One of the conditions of the debate that both sides agreed upon was that it would not be conducted in front of an audience. How will Trump ever be able to keep his energy up without an adoring throng to cheer him on?
a) you really think he’s going to show up for either of the debates? Ooh, you’re adorable! I just want to pinch your cheeks…until the slower flow of blood to your brain helps you see reason!
b) out of the line of sight of the studio cameras, he’ll poke himself in the thigh with a needle just before it is his turn to speak
c) as long as he doesn’t fall asleep, he can claim victory (poking himself in the thigh with a needle just before it is his turn to speak may be involved…)
Anna 3) One of the conditions of the debate that both sides agreed upon was that microphones would be turned off when it wasn’t time for a candidate to speak. What will Donald Trump do while his microphone is off?
a) listen attentively to what Joe Biden is saying so he can marshal his counterargu – ha ha! I kid. No, he’ll be posting on Truth Antisocial about how the news organization sponsoring the debate is biased and isn’t allowing him to speak
b) post on Truth Antisocial to urge his followers outside the building to shout loudly about how the news organization sponsoring the debate is biased and isn’t allowing him to speak
c) you know he’s just going to shout over Joe Biden. Bullies gonna bull
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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“Not I,” Said Jailer Wailer. “I Just Book ‘Em and Cook ‘Em.”
Who was responsible for Janice Saville being jailed for 10 months when she should have immediately been given psychiatric care?
“Not I,” said Coppy Floppy. “I was just following the law.”
“Not I,” said Crown Attorney Frown Frattorney. “I’m doing my best under a crushing workload.”
“Not I,” said Attorney General Schmattorney Schmeneral. “decisions by Crowns are made independently of government.”
“Not I,” said Premier Wierdlier. “Taking money from social services to increase funding for police is popular with the people.”
It always comes back to “the people,” doesn’t it?
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=417082]
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Does This Tent Make My Ass Look Phat?
The Israeli invasion, devastation and obliteration of Gaza has divided the American Republican Party. On the one hand, there are Republican politicians who believe that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s actions, such as bombing hospitals and aid convoys, and causing a famine for as many as one million Palestinians, are an appropriate response to the October 7 Hamas terrorist attack. On the other hand, there are Republican officials, like Lindsay Graham and Tim Walberg, who believe Israel should just nuke Gaza and be done with it.
“This is the beauty of the modern Republican Party,” Graham said. “We’re a big tent party that allows for a wide variety of points of view.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1749801063460026.xml]
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