Thank you, Sonny “Cloudy” Srinivista, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we imagined ourselves in the middle of a crowded shopping mall – we’re not saying it was Black Friday, but it definitely could have been the day after Greyish Thursday – screaming into our cellphones: “You know my phone service was cut off two weeks ago – why do you keep calling me‽”
Everybody celebrates the holidays in their own special way.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Brexit: Beating Back The Invading Hoards
Olivier Smith-Smythe-Smith has a garage full of crumpets. I wish this was the opening line of a beer hall song they used to sing during the war (you know the one – don’t make me say it!), but it’s actually a modern-day description of conditions in the Smith-Smythe-Smith household.
“Well,” Smith-Smythe-Smith sniffed, “it’s Brexit, innit?”
I asked him to elaborate.
“Well,” Smith-Smythe-Smith sniffed louder, “it’s the damn Brexit, innit?”
Okay, then, I shall elaborate myself: British households are starting to hoard food and drugs in anticipation that the nation’s economy will fall off a cliff when it leaves the European Union in March.
“Fall off a cliff?” Smith-Smythe-Smith asked. “Tha’s a bit…steep, innit?”
Oh, please! You lost your right to comment when your elaboration amounted to a single word! And, a naughty one, at that! Although, I am curious about one thing: if you keep crumpets in the garage, where do you keep your car?
“Well,” Smith-Smythe-Smith sniffed, “ever since Derek run off to Cardiff to be with Daisy from up the junction, the corner bedroom’s been spare, hannit?”
I was, of course, sorry I asked.
SOURCE: Beeb Radio On the Web
[http://www.beeb.co.uk/mediaselector/check/worldservice/meta/tx/summary5min?size=au&bgc=003479&lang=en-ws&nbram=1&nbwm=1]
more
The Unions Can Always Start Work On That Novel They’ve Been Talking About For Years
“THE STATE OF THE UNION
Two of Canada’s most powerful unions have been defanged by a technological revolution. But this could be a blessing in disguise”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1236534888]
more
That’s What You Get For Being A Doubting T…oo Obvious?
God may not be dead, but Thomas Altizer, who suffered complications from a stroke at the age of 91, certainly is.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
They Could Always Become Poets
There’s Tons Of Money In That…Right?
Ontario: Open For Business, Closed To Compassion
If you’re a person on disability
Your benefits will rise by 1.5 per cent instead of three
Sure the amount you can earn from work
Will take a monthly $100 jerk
But anything over $300 will be hit with a 75 per cent tax levy
The disabled are doing alright
Getting good grades
Their future’s so bright
They should throw the Tories parades
This may make some people rage
But there won’t be an increase to the minimum wage
Instead, the working poor will get a tax credit called LIFT
Which will be less than half of their promised gift
And workplace protections will return to an earlier stage
The working poor are doing alright
Getting good grades
Their future’s so bright
Why are so many spouting tirades?
The wealthy are getting their share of…well, no
Cutting their benefits is a no go
If the government thinks of them when taking up its axes
It will be to cut their taxes
Which just goes to show…
The wealthy are doing alright
Getting good grades
Their future’s so bright
The rest is charades
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/799.html]
more
Rue, Britannia, Britannia’ll Rue The Day
Boris Johnson, who single-handedly wants to bring back the mop top, wants to be the next British Prime Minister. How do we know? Because he is loudly denying that he wants to be the next British Prime Minister. Quod erat…something Latin.
On such slender reeds are great oaks…confused. Well. If Johnson wants to succeed Theresa May as Prime Minister, he’s going to need a good campaign slogan. Might we suggest:
BORIS 2019: With hair that awful, you know his policies must be sound.
Vote for the Baldrick of British politics: he has a cunning plan!
Want a hard Brexit? You need the right Johnson!
Boris Johnson for PM: Because the man who started the economic destruction of Britain is the only one who can be trusted to finish the job!
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2018/dec/05/boris-the-spider]
more
Forcing DC Comics To Send Out A Press Release Claiming That Neither Mister Miracle Nor Any Of Its Other Fourth World Characters Socially Knows Or Has Had Any Business Dealings With Cohen
“‘Michael Cohen asks judge for no Prison Time.’ You mean he can do all of the TERRIBLE, unrelated to Trump, things having to do with fraud, big loans, Taxis, etc., and not serve a long prison term? He makes up stories to get a GREAT & ALREADY reduced deal for himself and get…..his wife and father-in-law (who has the money?) off Scott Free.”
– Donald Trump
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/twitter-will-sure-miss-him-when-hes-gone/]
more
Remember, Children: Math You Learn On The Streets Might Not Be Accurate
Toronto City Council has voted to double each councillor’s office staff budget. As a result, almost all of the $25 million Ontario Premier Doug Ford claimed he would save by cutting the number of councillors in half will be spent anyway.
“You – your – you’re looking at it the wrong way,” Ford argued out of the back of a pickup truck racing down Highway 401. “If we hadn’t cut the number of councillors in half, we would be spending twice as much on staffing City Council now!”
We knew that there was a problem with the Premier’s logic, somewhere, but our head hurt too much to try and figure out what it was.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=269748]
more
Yaskanski Mixes A Mean Vodka Vodka With A Vodka Chaser
American Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has announced that the Trump administration will begin the process of scrapping the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty within 60 days unless Russia returns to compliance with the treaty’s terms.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov looked askance (not to be confused with Viktor Yaskanski, a mixologist in the Kremlin bar – not the association, the nightclub). “But…you want an excuse to get out of the treaty so you can deploy new weapons against China. Blaming Russia – tsk. Tsk on you, I say!”
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744284]
more