Thank you, Siobhan Gaynelle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we discovered that the eggs that some of our female staffers had had frozen for later motherhood had become breakfast for an employee who had been up over forty-eight hours and raided the wrong freezer. (In retrospect, keeping the eggs on site may have been a bad decision…) Apparently, even in an omelet with ham and onions, they required a lot of ketchup to hold down. Of course, it could have been worse: we could have implemented the plan for on site daycare!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Considering They’re Not The Ones Who Are Going To Go Into Battle, No, It’s No Consolation At All
Citizens have to settle.
YOU WANT: The government to fulfill its pledge to bring in strong legislation that will protect your rights from government spying.
YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: The government watering down its proposed anti-spying legislation so that it only partially protect your rights.
YOU’LL GET: The government passing legislation that allows it to spy on you with no consideration for your rights.
If it’s any consolation, even Prime Ministers have to settle.
YOU WANT: World War II.
YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: World War I.
YOU’LL GET: Vietnam.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Operation Was A Success, But The Middle East Died
President Obama will be announcing the name for the War against Islamic State in a couple of days. Names that were considered but ultimately rejected include:
- Operation Money Suck
- Operation We Broke It, Everybody Pays For It
- Operation Squawking Eagle
- Operation Squawking Eagle (with Strangled Owl Sidekick)
- Operation Enduring Vacuity
- Operation Suck It, Nobel Peace Prize Committee
- Operation Iraqi Freedom II: The Freedoming
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952cahs01.html]
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Can The City A-Ford Five More Years?
Councillor Doug Ford slammed his mayoral rivals for getting endorsements by prominent politicians, businesspeople and celebrities. Ford argued that those endorsements can come at the cost of future favours that will ultimately be paid for by taxpayers.
“I haven’t been endorsed by anybody, and I’m proud of it!” Ford stated. Unironically.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=193087]
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“Sorry, I Meant Whatever They Changed Their Name To When They Got All That Negative Attention From The Press…What Do You Mean, ‘Not Helping?'”
According to Amnesty International, Iraqi Shiite militias have abducted and killed “scores” of Sunni civilians. Tens of thousands of militiamen wear military uniforms but operate outside any legal framework and without official oversight.
“Sounds like Blackwater,” President Barack Obama joked into what he didn’t realize was a live mike.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2014/ALLPOLITICS/10/12/reps.main/index.html]
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Double, Double, Oil And Trouble
They’re Learning The Lyrics To REM’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)”
“Investors prepare for market volatility”
– Toronto Star
It’s Not Fair! We Hardly Had Any Time To Rule Canada At All!
“In Alberta, anxiety grows over declining prices”
– Globe and Mail
Oil Going Down The Drain? Is That A New Processing Method?
“Panic time: As oil goes, so does Canada’s economy”
– Globe and Mail
When Balance Is Imbalanced
“The good and bad of a falling oil price”
– Toronto Star
Don’t Be So Critical! The Sheep Were, As Always, Instrumental In The Creation Of The Bull Market!
“As markets plunge, it’s time to take stock
Wake-up call overdue as too many have slipped into complacency and sloppiness during five years of near financial bliss”
– Globe and Mail
Just In Time To Learn The Wrong Lessons…
“Relax. We will recover from this market meltdown”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=4220533643]
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Out Of Their League Of Their Own
The League of the South was shocked, shocked, they say, to discover that somebody who wasn’t racist had been a member of the organization.
“I was surprised to learn that Michael Peroutka no longer wanted to be a member because he objected to our stand on interracial marriage,” said League of the South spokesracist Wildemar Whitman. “I mean, I thought we were clear that white men marrying black women drained our precious bodily fluids and would lead to the end of white superiority. It’s the theme of all of our greeting cards!”
When told that Peroutka was running for local county council in Maryland, Whitman grinned and said, “Oh. That’s alright, then. He’ll be back after the election…”
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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One Stop Shopping For All Your Crazy Right Wing Needs
Wow. This column by World Nut News…presumed human Larry Klayman reads like a crazed right wing anti-Obama fanatic’s greatest hits (expect the K-Tel album any day now). The only things that are missing are FEMA concentration camps and Benghazi. Sarah Palin must be kicking herself that she didn’t write this first!
If Obama’s plan is to destroy the United States by “knowingly and willfully providing material support and aid to international terrorism and facilitating terrorism by allowing unrestricted entry of persons from countries experiencing outbreaks of the Ebola virus and adamantly opposing efforts, including calls from the U.S. Congress, to restrict travel from outbreak countries,” it’s a terrible one. To date, only three Americans have gotten Ebola, and only one has died. At this rate, the US won’t be destroyed for at least five thousand years!
But, that’s the thing about crazy: it lives in a world of its own. Or, a bag. An ever-expanding bag with plenty of room for company.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Making Chess Sexy By Making Chess…Sexy?
How do you make chess exciting for those who have never shown any interest in it? Have the players strip.
“Obviously, not the players players,” explained grandmaster Maurice Ashley. “Most of them are either old men or teenagers – either way, it would be…wrong. Very, very wrong. No, we would have…cheerleader surrogates who would take off an article of clothing every time a piece was captured. You know – good looking surrogates that ordinary people would want to see remove their clothing.”
The World Chess Federation is currently finalizing the rules for strip chess, which include the number of articles of clothing each cheerleader must wear, the order in which the clothing is to be removed and how much cheering spectators will be allowed before the hall where the match is taking place must be cleared.
“If this doesn’t raise the popularity of chess with the masses,” Ashley added, “I’m thinking…gladiators…”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/141015/geeklynews/01tehbaseballofintellectualactivities.htm]
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