Thank you, Shiva Kumar Vishwanathan, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, oh, Billy Crystal! Blackface never gets old, does it? Except, maybe, for people who are actually, you know, black.
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The Daily Me Staff
Mayor’s Latest Subway Funding Concept Insults His Supporters
Doug Ford was so excited about his latest plan to fund Toronto subways that he could barely contain his excitement when he told the press: “It’s a simple idea, really. As soon as we can get it through Council, we will levy a Stupidity Tax on people who live in the city.”
When somebody asked him where he imagined the casino would be built, his face turned red and he bellowed, “WHO TOLD YOU?”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/02/29/564327.html]
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You Know It Isn’t A Real Food Crime If The Perp Walk Hasn’t Been Photographed By Matt Armendariz
I was just followed on Twitter by somebody called ReciPerps. According to their description, the account is “for food that’s making the news!” Un hunh. Unless it’s a plate of veal scallopini that murdered a famous actor or a lobster bisque that bribed a prominent politician, I believe what we have here is a classic case of false advertising!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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We Did Come To Ottawa Preaching Fiscal Responsibility, After All…
Ottawa will not be funding its Service Canada student summer jobs centres this year for the first time in four decades. “We’ve got to fill up our new prisons with somebody,” Human Resources Minister Diane Finley explained. “If we didn’t, spending money building them would be a total waste…”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2012/02/29/564328.html]
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Everybody Limbaugh! – How Low Can You Go?
A new national survey from Public Policy Polling found that 46 per cent of Americans had a positive opinion of Rush Limbaugh. Of course, it also found that 98 per cent of those people didn’t actually listen to his show.
What are they missing? How about his attack on Sandra Fluke for testifying before Congress that a legal drug should be included in drug plans? What a radical concept! Ms. Fluke also told Congress about a friend who needed birth control pills for her health, not contraception, which is true of a lot of women; but, from its inception, the Bag of Crazy has been a fact-free zone.
His defenders claim that Limbaugh’s rants are satire. His detractors suggest that he should lay off the oxycontin. Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann and others who have taken up permanent residence in the Bag of Crazy just think of him as a good neighbour.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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His Dogma Is Chewing Up The Tires On Your Karma
Ontario Progressive Conservative leader Tim Hudak has argued that the province’s corporate tax rate should be dropped from 11.5 per cent to 11 per cent this year and 10 per cent next year in order to “help get the nearly 6000,000 unemployed Ontarians working again.”
When it was pointed out that there is little correlation between corporate tax cuts and employment increases (since the money corporations save often goes to increased dividends for shareholders or bigger bonuses for management), Hudak blinked for a couple of seconds and responded, “This one goes up to 11.”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0qrts-b6e6-4c18-fb9b-07b657dd48ec]
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Move Back From China Through Canada, Perhaps
In at least the 2,073rd Republican debate of the election season, Newt Gingrich urged cuts to corporate taxes so that “companies would move back from Canada.”
Siomon Baccarat, a former auto worker from Windsor who now has to choose between working as a minimum-wage greeter at his local MultiMaxiMegaMart or eating scraps scrounged from the garbage bin in back of the nearest Tim Hortons while living in a shoebox, responded, “Boy’s a bit out of touch, ain’t he?”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012Mar02.html]
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How Many Legs Can You Cut Out From Under A Table Before It Collapses?
According to Mayor Rob Ford, “City council will do the right thing and vote for my all subways all the time transit plan. Umm, okay, so they didn’t do that. But, the people of Toronto support my all subways all the time plan one hundred per cent. Umm, okay, so polls show that Torontonians are actually divided on this point. But, surely the province will support my all subways all the time plan. Umm, okay, so the province has sided with city council against my plan. But, surely developers will support my all subways all the time plan. Umm, okay, so developers aren’t crazy about paying the fees that would be required to get subways built. But, surely, my mother will support my all subways all the time plan. Right? RIGHT?
“DAMMIT, MOM, WILL YOU PICK UP THE PHONE? I CAN STILL HAVE YOU PUT IN A HOME IF YOU DON’T HELP ME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW! Umm, okay, so, love you. Bye.”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591927813&call_pageid=968335050492&col=968666979984]
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Crossing The Man Was Never A Breitbart Idea
Republican operative Andrew Breitbart has died at the age of 43. Soon after the announcement of his death, a video circulated purporting to be of Breitbart snorting cocaine off a prostitute’s breast at a bi-sexual orgy and getting into a fatal fistfight with a police officer raiding the off hours club for drugs. A couple of hours later, the video was revealed to be grainy footage that doesn’t show much of anything intercut with home videos of Breitbart at a family birthday party, but, by that time, he had already started developing a reputation as a drug-taking bisexual sex addict that it will take years to correct.
We’d like to think he would appreciate this send-off.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Anne Frank Might Disagree
The Mormon Church recently confirmed that it had baptized Siddhartha Gautama, better known as the Buddha. “Yeah, I, I doubt the Buddha would have cared one way or the other,” said used chewing tobacco collector and Buddhist Rinpoche Hayananda Chesterton. “He was cool like that. Still, it’s kind of tacky. I mean, who’s next? Mohammed?”
“Hey! We would never baptize Mohammed!” responded Mormon elder Conrad Fitzvagee. “We may want our members to believe that their ancestors will greet them when they get to heaven, but we’re not crazy!”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=519&but=allis1]
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