Thank you, Seasons Greetings From Brimley Auto Lube!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, soon-to-be President Donald Trump announced that he would be appointing a sea slug to be the next ambassador to Canada. Prime Minister Trudeau welcomed the appointment, saying he was ready to work with the marine invertebrate. Behind the scenes, though, Liberals were fuming: they had hoped for the ambassador to be a sperm whale, or at least a manatee with some experience in international affairs.
We’re not sure what, if any, effect this will have on how unaffordable our cities have become, or the increasingly extreme weather events brought on by global climate change. In fact, we’re not sure what the point of leading The Daily Me with this observation is. To think: we could have put a picture of the office cat, H.R. Muffin Stuff, in this space, instead!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Saying The Quiet Part Out Quiet
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has committed Canada to reducing carbon emissions by 37% by 2045. Or 45% by 2037. Something. The important thing is that Canada will continue to reduce its carbon emissions in the hope that it can mitigate, if not reverse, global climate change.
“I’m totally on board with this proposal…whatever it is,” said Brad Corson, CEO of Imperial Oil.
“I applaud the Prime Minister’s vision and look forward to working with his government to find creative solutions to the problem,” said Jon McKenzie, CEO of Cenovus.
“I’m…confused,” Suncor Energy president and CEO Rich Kruger commented. “I thought our response was supposed to be to agree with whatever the government proposed in public while stonewalling it behind the scenes.”
“What do you think we’re doing?” Corson hissed.
“Oh,” the third oil executive, who obviously didn’t understand the memo, said. “Oh! Umm…now that I’ve had time to consider it, I see the wisdom of the Prime Minister’s plan – whatever it is – and will devote whatever resources he thinks it will take to make it work!”
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=548]
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A Nation Celebrates…Possibly Two…
“Controversial” (journospeak for “asshole”) psychologist Jordan Peterson has left Canada for the United States. As reasons for the move, Peterson cited his feud with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and the passage of anti-hate legislation known as the Online Harms Bill, which he argued could turn Canada into a “totalitarian hellhole.”
“Amateurs!” Peterson complained. “Republicans ban books. President Trump sues journalists and has threatened to jail journalists who write unflattering articles about him. Why should I wait for Canada to become a totalitarian hellhole when the United States is already mostly there?”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1288328591813
&call_pageid=935278207493&col=948660036972]
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Maybe “Trolling” Should Have Been Your Word Of The Year
Merriam-Webster has chosen “polarization” as its word of the year. Soon after the announcement, a poll of Americans showed that 97% agreed with the dictionary’s assessment.
“We…weren’t expecting that,” said Merriam-Webster editor-at-large Peter Sokolowski. “It’s almost as if the American people were trolling us…”
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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One More Wray Of Hope Snuffed Out
Even though he has three years to go in his term, FBI Director Christopher Wray announced that he would be resigning. He said it was because he wanted to “keep the focus on the mission;” he must think nobody knows that President-elect Trump was going to fire him the moment he was sworn in.
Timothy Snyder shook his head in sadness.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2024/ALLPOLITICS/12/12/reps.main/index.html]
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Those Excuses Won’t Fly
Just Like Many Of Your Former Passengers…
WestJet and Air Canada are fighting back against allegations that they hate their customers after announcing that they were going to charge a basic fee for flights without seats, encouraging passengers to bring their own folding chairs (which would be considered their first piece of carry on, forcing them to pay a fee if they wanted to bring an actual bag with them onto the plane).
Executives for both companies argued that they wouldn’t have to take such drastic measures if the government didn’t regulate them so much, cutting into their profit margins. “We’re just trying to offer our customers an inexpensive alternative,” one executive said. “If taxes and regulations didn’t add so much to the cost of a ticket…we would probably still be doing this because it’s a brilliant way of generating additional revenue. But at least we would have had to be more creative blaming you!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a3eb2cc6a375]
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Chaos Respects No Borders
In response to incoming President Donald Trump’s threat to put a 25% tariff on all Canadian goods entering the United States, Ontario Premier Doug Ford stated: “Donald Trump thinks he can bully Canada into doing what he wants? Well, let me tell you something: I know a thing or two about bullying! If he levies a tariff on Canadian goods, we’ll withhold energy exports to the United States. Bully, my ass, Donald!”
Alberta Premier Danielle Smith responded, “Yeah, no, nice try, Dougie, but that’s not gonna happen.”
Quebec Premier Francois Legault responded, “Doug Ford? The name is familiar, but I can’t say I ever met the man. He certainly doesn’t speak for me and my province.”
Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Andrew Furey responded, “He’s not with me. Maybe he’s a friend of Danielle…?”
You could feel the orange grin from across the border.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2024/12/11/jingoismtrumpstrade241211]
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As Usual, It Wasn’t Even Close
You Should Probably Give The Republicans The Honour Permanently And Start A Different Award
Nobody You Ever Heard OfTM
@elonmuscatel
I am deeply disturbed by a murderer being lauded as some kind of folk hero. UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was not an animal, he was a human being, with friends and family who loved him. You may not agree with his company’s policies, but that doesn’t mean you should support vigilante justice!
Nobody You Ever Heard OfTM
@elonmuscatel
In a rare bit of justice, Daniel Penny was acquitted of all charges. Good! The man he killed was an animal, not a human being! As far as I’m concerned, Penny was a hero for doing what today’s politically correct NYPD was unwilling to do!
For the 557th week in a row, Republicans hold the top spot on the Hypocrisy Leader Board.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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