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The Daily Me Staff
It’s A Good Thing Fear Mongering Is Alien To American Politics
A Florida lawmaker suggested that Donald’s Trump’s presidential campaign may be an alien plot to make the Republican Party look bad.
“Have you even seen Independence Day?” Representative Carlos Curbelo asked. “The only thing standing between the aliens and world domination is the United States. Instead of a strong Republican president who would kick alien invader ass, if Trump is elected we’ll have a know-nothing isolationist as world leader – if that happens, we may as well kiss humanity goodbye! Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, would try and negotiate with the aliens even as they were blowing up national monuments – you think the aliens don’t know this? You think they haven’t been following our election very, very closely? I bet you think unicorns fly out of the aliens’ butts, too!”
As proof, Curbelo pointed to Trump’s skin colour: “The aliens didn’t even bother to make him look human!” He added that Trump’s incoherent rantings frequently made him sound like an alien who had only imperfectly learned the English language.
A spokesman for Florida’s Democratic Party assured us that he would analyze Curbelo’s argument just as soon as he was able to stop laughing.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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They Broke It, The World Buys It
British citizens who voted in favour of leaving the European Union are delighted that their side has won, as can be seen by their comments:
“I…I thought we were voting on whether to boycott the EuroVision music competition. EV…EU…with my failing eyesight, you can understand my confusion…”
“I swear I thought Brexit was a new kind of shampoo!”
“Leave? As in…go? I didn’t realize that was what the referendum was about – I thought they were using the word ‘leave” in the archaic 15th century sense of ‘stay!'”
“The vote we just took didn’t bind the government to a specific course of action…did it?”
“Fantastic. Couldn’t be happier! Anything to keep any more of those dark-skinned bastards from coming over here and diluting our gene pool and destroying our democratic culture!”
“It was a lark, mate. A joke. If I had thought Leave had any chance of winning, I would have gnawed my own arm off before I voted for it!”
“It’s not that big a deal – we can always hold another referendum to reverse the first one, right? Right?“
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/jun/25/lose-lose]
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I Hate My Coffee Black!
Could A Train Derail Nearby Carrying Cream And Sugar?
According to the Ontario Provincial Police, a transport truck on the 401 caught fire and caused all lanes on the highway to close Sunday morning. The driver was carrying a load of Cinnabon cinnamon buns that were toasted in the fire.
Now you just need a tanker truck full of hot coffee to crash nearby, and you’ve got breakfast!
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/06/24/509727.html]
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Oh, Don’t Be Such A CRAbaby!
Doctor Jekyll and Mister CRA
Diane Lebouthillier, Minister of National Revenue
Canadian Parliament
$1,000 to $3 million depending upon the edition
By day, it’s a mild-mannered organization that fines individuals and corporations that try to hide millions of dollars in revenues in offshore tax havens, but is too shy to publicly name them. By night, when it has taken a chemical concoction that even it doesn’t know the exact composition of, the organization wreaks havoc on the lives of small businesspeople and the self-employed who have not declared a couple thousand dollars in revenue, destroying their public reputation. Doctor Jekyll and Mister CRA employs horror story tropes to explore the dichotomy at the heart of every public institution.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.44.49/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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My Name Is URL
Talk about screwing the pooch!
A sheriff’s department in Utah has spent $10,000 on a mutt they say can sniff out porn and other illicit digital materials. Well, okay, it can’t actually do that: what it actually does is sniff out digital devices such as flash drives, DVDs and memory cards. And, TV remote controls and garage door openers, but the sheriff’s department has assured the public that it is working on that.
The dog, a black Labrador named URL (which is pronounced, “Foggybottomsongmeisterlactation,” or “Earl” for short), will be trained to plug the devices into a police-approved PC, access their content and ignore anything but naked bodies. So, your company’s financial records are safe. As are the files of corporate criminals and terrorists.
“I, for one, am grateful that the state has declared pornography a public health crisis,” said Park City resident Yolanda deBilbus. “Just the thought of naked human bodies – all those naked young human bodies…squirming against each other…naked nubile bodies touching each other there…and there…and – oh! – there! Especially the -“
deBilbus got a far away look for a moment, then, shaking her head, sternly said, “You may scoff, but I am grateful that the sheriff’s department is doing everything in its power to save me from catching the porn!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1109842150263743.xml]
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Progress On Sexual Assault In The Military Is Just Not In The Cards
According to a wallet-sized card distributed to 120,000 Canadian military personnel, sexual assault is “inappropriate.” This puts sexual assault on a par with telling your boss her son is hot, using your work computer to access an Everybody Loves Raymond marathon during business hours and farting in a hot tub.
“Jails aren’t filled with people who farted in hot tubs,” argued women’s rights lawyer Margaretha deBilbus. “Okay, granted, jails aren’t filled with men who have sexually assaulted women, either. But, if we had a justice system that took sexual assault seriously, they would be. They so would be.”
“They tell me that pissing in the CO’s beer is inappropriate behaviour,” Private William O. Privates commented on the card, “but everybody does it. To be honest with you, I don’t see what all the fuss is.”
“You see? You see?! That’s exactly the problem I’m talking about!” deBilbus hyperventilated. She had to fan herself with a copy of Herizons until she calmed down.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1218]
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I’ll admit that I’m a little jealous that Britain voting to leave the European Union caused world markets to lose $2 trillion worth of their value. If Canada left NAFTA, world markets would lose $1.47 and an old Tootsie roll!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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