Thank you, Reggie “The Human Fatwa” Grimpsnorkle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, have you ever heard the Montana’s Steakhouse ads where the moose is so smugly condescending towards the deer? What a jerk! It almost makes us want to cheer Sarah Palin when she gets in a helicopter with her rifle. Almost.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
On The Other Hand, The Additives Could Kill You!
They are long and thin and can create a choking hazard for people who stuff them in their mouths. They are, of course, penises.
Several safe sex organizations have floated the idea of using nanotechnology to create an inflatable human penis. “That way,” Roger de la Mitosis, spokesman for Project Philbert, explained, “it would be big and round when eaten, discouraging people from trying to gobble it down, but it would be long and hard when you needed to…mmm…long…and hard when…when – umm, excuse me.”
“That’s just ridiculous,” said Toronto Public Safety official Martina Wallflower. “There has never been a reported case of anybody choking to death on a penis. If eaten properly, penises are not a health threat to anybody.”
Wallflower added: “They really should have stuck with hot dogs…”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641314641314687fx]
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I Totally Believe That Alan Rickman Could Make A Radio Out Of Two Coconuts, A Reed And Several Paper Clips
Hmm. John Goodman as the Skipper. Okay. I see that. Sam Rockwell as Gilligan? A little intense, but he’s a great actor. But, Ian McKellan and Helen Mirren as the Howells? Alan Rickman as The Professor? Alan Freaking Rickman? What is this: a big screen remake of Gilligan’s Island or another film version of Shakespeare’s The Tempest!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt3078353/]
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For Now…
CATHY: Differences between Canadians and Americans #327: When Americans phone in to radio to thank god for their Olympics teams and their soldiers around the world, they are being crassly jingoistic and militaristic. When Canadians phone into radio to thank god for their Olympics teams and their soldiers around the world, they…umm…they’re –
SHAUN: They’re jingositic?
CATHY: Well, okay, but –
GERI: And, militaristic?
CATHY: I guess. Still –
GAVIN: In a crass way?
CATHY: Okay, but it’s different.
GAVIN, GERI AND SHAUN: How is it different?
CATHY: Because…we’re Canadian.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Sounds Like A Plan
FAMOUS LAST WORDS: I would rather die than accept government run health care.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Some Politicians Look Good In Egg
A study by a Queen’s University professor argues that a disproportionate amount of Canada’s stimulus money is being spent on projects in sectors such as construction, manufacturing and engineering which favour men. Women, although they make up 50 per cent of the population have received only approximately 33 per cent of the funds.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper didn’t see a problem with this. At a press conference for the budget, he said: “Your husbands are making money, so the family is taken care of, so what are you bitching abou – what are you? – hey! You know, if you hit me with one of those eggs, I could have you charged with ass – OWWW! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!”
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2010/03/02/pmlaysanegg100302]
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All Military History Is Bunks
Since the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the number of rapes reported to military command has dramatically increased. However, according to the Congressional Budget Office, they have been predominantly heterosexual.
“Well, that’s a shocker, isn’t it?” said CBO number cruncher Patella Moniqueson. “Apparently, heterosexual men felt they had to engage in wildly unsafe sex with whatever women happened to be close in order to prove that they weren’t gay. Who they felt they had to prove that to should make for a fascinating research paper…”
Donald Wildmon, president of the American Family Association, responded, “What’s the problem? At least those soldiers – who, need I remind you, put their lives on the line every day to protect our country? – are practicing normative sex. They aren’t the problem. The people who are destroying the military are the men who fantasize about Hugh Jackman in the privacy of their own bunks!”
SOURCE: Focus Against the Family
[http://www.jackedinonline.com/hereagaythereagayeverywhereagaygay/
hereagaythereagayeverywhereagaygay /a0002443.cfm]
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Hemi-semi-demi-calibration (With A Western Twist)
1 for the record books) One of the first ideas the Conservative government proposed after returning from its recalibration holiday was that the sexist line “in all thy sons command” be removed from the national anthem. Two days later, amidst a torrent of criticism from their supporters, the Conservatives abandoned the idea. What could we call this?
a) re-recalibration
b) decalibration
c) a dumb effort to win the votes of women (instead of doing something that would actually improve their lives, like, say, not killing a national daycare plan or funding for organizations that support women’s rights) that was canceled for the wrong reasons
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Just An Ordinary Woman Talking Up Her State…To Millions Of Potential Voters
Reality TV producer Mark Burnett has been making the rounds of TV networks pitching a show in which Sarah Palin will walk around Alaska talking about how great the state is.
“This show could really play to Sarah’s strengths,” Burnett enthused, adding: “Of course, it won’t have anything to do with politics.”
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Something About The Air In Ottawa Just Helps People Grow Their Asses
The winner of this week’s “Pulling Facts Out of Your Ass Award” is Kory Teneycke, former communications director for Stephen Harper. Teneycke argued that unions and strong labour laws were an impediment to productivity, even though The Independent Harbour Report and a report by the Conference Board of Canada, among others, actually indicate that unionized shops are more productive than non-unionized shops.
We know a lot of people were pulling for Margaret Wente, who claimed that “most families, when polled, say they’d prefer other child-care arrangements instead” of a national daycare programme,” even though polls of Canadians from 2003, 2006 and 2008 showed that a majority of Canadians – from 76 to 90 per cent – wanted a national day-care plan. And, really, it was a great argument that Wente pulled out of her ass.
What can we say? Sometimes, former political hacks have bigger asses to pull facts out of than current journalistic hacks.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=680&dir=bb]
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