Thank you, Punctilius Saruman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, thanks to the leak of information from Ashley Madison, we found that nine office accounts had been used to access the Web site for cheaters. This made no sense to us. There are only three married people on staff. The only explanation we can think of is that some of the cheaters are cheating on the people they’re cheating with.
People are weird.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Only Way To Win Is To Not Play – Where Have I Heard That One Before?
So, you want to be a member of the European Union? What do you do when your market is flooded with less expensive products, which increases unemployment in your country, which in turn increases your country’s debt (owing to fewer taxpayers and more people using the social safety net)? You might be tempted to print more money, but uhh uhh uhh, you no longer have control over your own currency. So, you’ll probably borrow money to cover government expenses. Unfortunately, your economy will continue to sputter, requiring you to borrow even more money. What do you do next?
| 1. | Is your country about to default on its loans? | |
| NO | 2. | Keep borrowing to keep the country going. |
| YES | 3. | Do you do nothing as the deadline for default approaches? |
| YES | 4. | Expect runs on your banks as your citizens worry that if the government does default, they will lose their life’s savings. You may have to close a few for a while, just for their own protection, you understand. |
| 5. | Your country is screwed. | |
| NO | 6. | Do you attempt to negotiate a package of new loans and debt forgiveness? |
| YES | 7. | You will be offered loans with no debt forgiveness, but, with conditions (such as cutting social services and selling off government-owned enterprises). The conditions will increase the hardship of your citizens while burdening you with more debt that will make it even harder to help them, but, sorry, the offer is non-negotiable. GO TO 5. |
| NO | 8. | Do you try to leave the European Union? |
| YES | 9. | Giving the European Union all of your country’s reserves was a condition of joining, so you leave with no treasury. Good luck with that. GO TO 5. |
| NO | GO TO 3. |
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=824&dir=bb]
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Beware The Bite Of The Great Dane
Hamlet’s soliloquy from the nunnery scene, as rewritten for Benedict Cumberbatch:
To beep or not to beep, that is the question;
Whether ’tis Nobler in the wings to suffer
The Pings and Sharings of outrageous Fanboys,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of handhelds,
And by opposing end them.
‘Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be – oh, would you please shut it!
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=550&dir=bb]
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It’s The (Inability To Form A) Thought That Counts
Stephen Harper has been Canada’s Prime Minister for ten years. To celebrate, I hit myself in the head with a rock until I passed out.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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That’s Ashley Madison, Not Oscar – The Site For Slobs Online Is Still Secure
One of the biggest revelations of the online publication of hacked data from the online cheating site Ashley Madison is that, of the 42 billion users the site claims to have, only three are actual human beings. The others are primarily fake accounts created by bots or accounts created by aliens who seem to have no real idea of how the human Internet works, much less human relationships and plumbing.
“No, that can’t be right,” said Ashley Madison founder Noel Biderman. “There has to be more than three people. I mean, there’s me, and…there’s, uhh…Frank. Frank is – no, he objected to it on moral grounds. Suze signed up for the site…umm, but we couldn’t give her an account because she wasn’t actually married. It was a technicality, sure, but civilization can only run smoothly when fine lines are drawn firmly. So, who…who el – oh! Okay, I know for a fact that Marsha signed up – oh, wait. She didn’t finish filling out the form – she didn’t trust the site’s security. Okay, she may have had a point. Still, there was…umm…uhh…umm…
“Oh, shit.”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/150818/geeklynews/01ashleymadisonhahaha.htm]
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What If It’s A Correction…To The Skyline?
“Relax, the sky is not falling – it’s a correction!”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1302933778]
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Reasonable People Who Disagree Can Pick Their Noses In Public At Each Other
The Harper Government has defended its recently enacted law to strip people of their citizenship if they pick their noses in public. “There is no right to be a citizen of our great country,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “just because you happened to be born here!”
Shaking her head, Toronto Star columnist Heather Mallick responded, “Actually, I’m pretty sure that is the very definition of citizenship!”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b4e3-4c18-bf2b-007b65cc48ec]
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Nausea – Not Just For Horror and Adam Sandler Movies Any More!
Of course I would love to see films on a double-sided inflatable movie screen on a barge just off the shore of Lake Ontario. I used to only get nauseous watching films that feature a large amount of handheld camerawork; now, I can get nauseous watching just about anything!
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=194732]
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Urine The Money…La La La La La…ICK!
Picking. Packing. Peeing?
California farm owners, worried that the drought is going to destroy their crops, have come up with a novel solution: paying their pickers to come early and “water” their fields by urinating all over them.
“That’s just nuts,” said environmentalist Becky Lashondra. “The acid in that…liquid – you know the one I’m talking about, don’t make me say it – is weak, but it’s still enough to undermine the fertility of the soil and kill plants.”
“Everybody’s a critic,” said Dusty Bowles, owner of Peppershot Farms, one of the biggest landowners south of Sacramento. “But at least we’re doing something about the problem!”
“Why are we paying foreign workers to piss all over our food?” Republican Presidential crazy barometer Donald Trump attempted to be the voice of reason on the issue. “We should be paying American workers to piss all over our food! Not [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE DELETED] [EXPLETIVES DELETED] [OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES DELETED – AT WHICH POINT WE WERE TOO DISGUSTED TO CONTINUE LISTENING],” Trump went on to torpedo any possibility that he could be mistaken for a voice of reason.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB156033398841118944,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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