Thank you, President Rosneftoil, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, management told us we have to come up with some New Year’s resolutions. Naturally, we balked at this, given the general level of perfection in the office. So, instead, we decided to give our readers resolutions. Faye in shipping has noticed that the jumpsuit you have taken to wearing is looking a little snug at your waist – she hereby resolves that you need to either switch to stripes or lose 20 pounds. Hartingen in accounting has resolved that you cut back on the virgin Bloody Marys – your children are beginning to wonder why you keep knocking the clock in the living room off the wall. And, of course, I resolve that you stop enjoying licking the paste off stamps you don’t intend to use as postage.
Best of luck with that in the new year!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
It’s The Start Of A Global Moooooovement
A group has arisen to challenge a decision by Facebook not to show pictures of cows feeding their young with their udders exposed. “It’s a natural part of life, and, frankly, anybody who would see such images in a sexual way should grow up!” said spokeswoman Elsie, quickly adding: “I mean, mooooooooo!”
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
[http://www.computersbyte.com/s=8269/compsbyt1230567646021/]
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Cougars Everywhere Mourn
Eartha Kitt has died at the age of 81 (or, possibly, 83). There was a great disturbance in the Sexy.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Because A Legacy Requires A Stable Base
Neocon: somebody who surveys the ashes of 25 years of failed military and economic policies and determines to use them to build himself a monument.
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=618&dir=bb]
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Giving The Phrase “Men Of Good Cheer” A Whole New Meaning
“We want to bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ to all cheerleaders in the United States,” says Fellowship of Christian Athletes National Director Marilou Braswell. “Cheerleaders are leaders in our schools, and when they are on fire for Jesus, it can change an entire campus.”
Absolutely! Think of the catchy cheers:
Two! Four! Six! Eight!
Who do we most venerate?
Goooooooooooooooooo Jesus!
Jesus! Jesus! He’s our man!
If he can’t save souls, no one can!
While the secularists are waitin’
We’re goin’ toe to toe with Satan!
Bring it on!
Bring it on!
Bring on Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmageddon!
Of course, Christian cheerleaders probably won’t wear those skimpy uniforms – they’ll have to wear full body suits – hmmm…maybe we need to give this concept more thought…
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=459&but=allis1]
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Governor Refuses Federal Funding With Bizarre Metaphor
“This notion that Washington, with a blink of a wand, can create 2.5 million jobs is strange in a market economy.”
– South Carolina Republican Governor Mark Sanford
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Tip My Shoes To The Man
How much beating should a person who has embarrassed a foreign leader be given? Oddly, the Koran is silent on this subject. However, this has not stopped Iraqi leaders from offering their own opinions.
“Twenty lashings with a stick no bigger around than your pinky.”
“Forty lashings with a stick no bigger in circumference than your thumb. It would have been 80 lashings, but I’m taking into account the fact that the man was a journalist, which, in some places in the world, is considered an honourable profession. Or, so I’m told.”
“Eighty lashings with a police baton and whatever else may come to hand: bricks, desks, officers’ boots. I would have recommended 160 lashings, but the world is watching, and we want everybody to know that Iraqis are not barbarians!”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49801-2008Dec24.html]
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When The Only Tool You Have Is Being Hammered, Everything Looks Like A Tax Cut
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has floated the idea of cutting taxes to stimulate the economy. We asked our readers what you would do if you got a tax cut this year. And, you told us, bless you.
I’ve been looking at this adorable little Gucci nose hair trimmer on CraigsList – and, the best part of it is that they’ll pay the shipping from Mongolia!
– Minnie in Markham
You from the bank? Cause, I gotta warn you, this shotgun IS loaded and I DO know how to use it! You – what? Tax cuts? Pay down my [expletive] mortgage so’s maybe they’ll let me keep my [expletive] house! What concern is it of yours?
– Coleman in Cabbageville
It’s going straight into my mattress. You don’t think I’d actually spend it in this uncertain economic climate, do you?
– Chunn-Yi in Chinatown
The benefits to the Canadian economy should be obvious.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591031013&call_pageid=908335278492&col=968000972154]
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Change You Can Make Book On
President-elect Barack Obama has told Russia’s Prime Minister/President/Whatever office he officially holds this week Vladimir Putin to “bring it on.” However, this is no Bushian challenge to those who would use violence against America: Obama was talking about a basketball game between leaders of the two major world powers.
Russian officials are said to be “amused” by this form of “bball diplomacy.” However, one official, who spoke on the promise of anonymity because he wasn’t sure what his title was this week, commented, “This is hardly fair! Everybody knows that the President-elect has been stacking his cabinet with ringers! I mean, Hilda Solis at Labour? Really? The only reason she got the appointment was because she was tough on defense and has a great three point shot!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=N5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21214]
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Crotchety – Homicidal – It’s An Easy Mistake To Make
“Hamas misjudged Israel’s mood”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376571038]
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Proving Once Again That Sequels Are Never As Good As The Original
Red, White and Blue Dawn. Directed by: George W. Bush. Written by: Richard “So?” Cheney. Starring: Iraqis whose names would mean nothing to you, and Patrick Swayze.
Red, White and Blue Dawn envisions a millennial Iraq under siege from invading American and allied armies. Told at a boiling point of terrorist activity, the threat focuses on a group of high school students who take refuge in the hills around Baghdad. First coping with survival and eventually fighting back guerrilla style, the students take the war to the invading armies in the hope that they can help turn the tide.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt1078352/]
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