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Houston, We Have A No Go
Whitney Houston is dead. Whitney Houston is dead. Whitney Houston is dead.
The body hasn’t made it to the morgue, and already people are saying that she died of a drug overdose. That’s for the police to determine. As far as I’m concerned, she died of an overdose of fabulousness.
If we want to honour Whitney’s memory, we should test all musicians for fabulousness, and, if it looks like they are getting too close to toxic limits, they should have some of their fabulousness drained out of their bodies and injected into less fortunate artists. If we can save just one future musician from a fabulousness overdose, Whitney’s death will not have been in vain.
SOURCE: Jennifer’s Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Rick Santorum: The Incredible Shrinking Man of the GOP
The more you look at him, the smaller he gets…
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Have You People Never Heard Of Inflation?
It’s Gonna Cost You At Least 36 Dollars Worth Of Beads!
The Alberta government has concluded that it needs to increase the economic benefits of an oil pipeline through British Columbia if it wants to get the project approved by the people of that province.
“We have some very pretty beads for them,” Alberta Premier Alison Redford stated. “Very shiny. Worth as much as 24 dollars. Of course, the number and nature of the beads is open for negotiation, but we think this is a very fair offer. Very fair, indeed.”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd8-f6f3-4f4f-3f25-a2eb4cc6a439]
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Detention Diary: Don Martin’s You Know You’re Losing Your Mind When…
WEEK SEVEN
The room I have been assigned has no window, which makes it hard to gauge the passage of time. The food is bland and, like the old Borscht Belt joke appropriated by Woody Allen, the portions are small. Still, I could at least count the passage of time by noting that every third meal constituted a day. At least, I thought I could. Two days ago, I was taken out for my hour of exercise after the second meal; I thought it would be mid-afternoon, but it was completely dark.
What happened? Could they have been putting more time between meals without me noticing? Did they skip one meal completely? Or, did I just lose track?
“Yer overthinkin’ this whole meal thing,” a voice from the corner of the room told me. “Ya has ta accept dat time is an illusion.”
I looked at where the voice seemed to have come from, but it was too dark. “I…” I fumbled, “I know a watchmaker who might disagree with you.”
“Look, all’s I’m sayin’,” the voice continued, “is dat dere ain’t no such ting as da past or da future. All’s we got is an ever-movin’ present. Da guys keepin’ youse here tink dey’re messin’ wit yer head, but dey’re actually helpin’ youse rediscover an eternal truth.”
“Uhh, yeah,” I said. “Listen, I…I don’t usually talk philosophy with somebody I can’t see.”
“Live wid it,” the voice responded. “I got…body issues.”
“You’ve got body issues?” I was incredulous. “I haven’t had a shave since I got here – if it gets any longer, I’ll be able to use my beard as a blanket! Not only that, but it’s been at least two weeks since I showered. What could possibly be worse than that?”
After a couple of seconds, a cockroach scuttled into the light.
“Did you hear, me?” I asked after a couple more seconds. “What could possibly -?”
“Yeah, yeah,” the cockroach said. “I heard youse.”
“You…?” I croaked.
“The name’s Phil.”
“Phil the Philosophical Cockroach?”
“You gotta problem wid dat?”
I considered this for a moment. “You know, Phil, I’m learning to accept all sorts of things I wouldn’t have thought possible…”
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/02/19/dd-9000007]
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Foreign Policy Goes In One Side Of The Mouth And Comes Out The Other
Stephen Harper has chosen to override the qualms of the government’s non-proliferation experts to permit a multibillion-dollar business in exports of Saskatchewan’s uranium to China’s nuclear industry. “In my judgment, these are people who have a particular, you know, fanatically religious worldview, and their statements imply to me no hesitation of using nuclear weapons if they see them achieving their religious or political purposes,” he said.
But the deal with Beijing has raised concerns in Ottawa because it includes less stringent accounting for how the uranium is used than Canada typically demands, sources said. The development of nuclear weapons as one of the purposes of Iran’s nuclear program “is just beyond dispute at this point,” he said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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I Want Wombats Eating Plaid M&Ms Sprinkled With Fairy Dust, Myself
In a rider in the contract for her performance at the Super Bowl, Madonna asked for a “hydraulic yoga mat.” So far, we haven’t been able to find a single yoga instructor who knows what that is. (If you do a Google search on the term, the only references to the equipment refer back to articles about the pop star.)
Madonna, ever the trend-setter, has started a new fad: musicians asking for things in their contracts that don’t exist. Already, other legendary (read: ancient) acts are getting in on the trend:
- the Rolling Stones will not perform unless they have plaid M&Ms in their dressing room;
- AC/DC now demands to have four silver-plated wombats singing “The Star Spangled Banner” out of their asses backstage at all times;
- the Moody Blues will only perform on a stage that has been lightly sprinkled with fairy dust.
On the bright side, if they can’t get what they want, maybe they’ll stop touring and let newer acts grab a little of the spotlight.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2012/2012/02/03/thebadgeomadge/]
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They’re Vessels For Veal, Not Producers Of Pigs
The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that butchers shouldn’t be subject to the stringent rules that govern slaughterhouses, even if they kill their own animals in the basement. “A butcher does not engage with these public health objectives when it is merely providing the mode of sale,” the majority opinion opined.
“But…but…but…” stuttered Toronto meat inspector Sissy Muldoon.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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When Harper And Chinese President Hu Jintao Are In The Same Room, No Felines Are Safe!
Michael Healy has quit being Tarragon’s Theatre’s playwright-in-residence, a position he had held since 2001, stating that it decided not to produce his latest play, Proud. Healy claims that Tarragon made this decision because Proud has a character based on Stephen Harper, and the theatre company was afraid the Prime Minister might sue for libel.
“It’s an incredibly sympathetic portrayal,” Healy argued. “The character based on Harper doesn’t eat kittens until well into the final act, and, even then, he hardly eats any kittens at all. Well, seven. But, for the Prime Minister, this shows admirable restraint!”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Because A Message Of Hype Doesn’t Give The Right Impression (Because It Gives The Exactly Right Impression)
NOW AVAILABLE: people want gay teens to believe that if they just make it out of high school, their lives will improve. Bigots Without Borders has produced a video that shows this for the monstrous lie that it is.
It Gets Worse: A Message of Hope features interviews with politicians who promote anti-gay legislation, businesspeople who will fire you on the spot if they don’t like your sexual orientation and religious leaders who believe homosexuality is an abomination and all non-heterosexuals are children of the devil doomed to an eternity in Hell. The only hope is to renounce your deviant sexual lifestyle and join the heterosexual majority.
It Gets Worse: A Message of Hope is now available for sale in the Bigots Without Borders Shoppe.
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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