Thank you, percival avatretard, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we watched the video where Kirk Cameron boasted of distributing copies of Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species, with a 50 page introduction arguing against evolution and for Creationism, on college campi. We were so dumbstruck that we all immediately burned our Growing Pains fan club membership cards. Uhh…not that we’re, you know, old enough to remember Growing Pains. It was some kind of TV show or something, right? We – err – got the membership cards from our parents. And, uhh, Kirk Cameron? Who the hell is Kirk Cameron?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
What Planet Are They From? And, How Can We Get Them To Go Back There?
Six people were killed and 27 wounded when a group protesting health care reform clashed with a group protesting government action on global warming outside a town hall meeting of constituents of Democratic representative Barney Frank.
The conflict began inside the meeting when the climate change protestors started shouting incoherently about bad science, natural earth cycles and, for some reason, gun control. Health care reform protestors immediately started shouting incoherently about big government, high taxes and teabags. Before long, the two groups had stopped shouting at Frank and other Democratic officials at the front of the room and started shouting at each other. The main bone of contention was whose crazy anti-government conspiracy theories should be given priority.
After the meeting, representatives of each group met with counterparts outside the halls, many of whom were exercising their right to carry concealed weapons. The weapons didn’t stay concealed for very long, and tragedy ensued.
“It’s the voice of the American people,” Fox News talking sphincter Glenn Beck said through tears, “and it’s a…a beautiful thing.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32320041314881314627fx]
That Must Be Some Dog
The Lost Symbol
Dan Brown
you don’t really need any more information, do you?
Nothing I can say will possibly dissuade anybody from buying this book. So, for the next 1,000 words, I’m going to write about my cocker spaniel, El Sidra, instead.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.42.12/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
It’s Not Torture – It’s Advanced Fun Techniques!
When asked, if Guantanamo was supposed to be closed by the end of the year why there are still prisoners there, White House spokesperson Robert Gibb chirped, “There are no more prisoners at the Guantanamo facility. It’s now a vacation resort. The people still there are enjoying involuntary vacations.”
When asked why torture continues to be practiced by the CIA and government contractors, Gibb additionally chirped, “No, no, no. The President ended torture on his first day in office. No, what’s going on is enhanced…uhh, expanded…differently handled…uhh, can I get back to you on what the term for what’s going on there?”
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2009/09/25/news/main542815.shtml]
Miss? Who You Callin’ Miss? Oh, I’m Sorry – I Have A Cold.
“It’s the one season premier you can’t afford to miss.”
Oh, really?
If I miss it, will I have to take a cut in my salary in order to keep my job? Will I get behind in my mortgage payments? At the end of the month, will I be forced to choose between feeding my children or paying for the prescription drugs I need for my spasmodic collarbone? Will I – shudder – be forced to give up my car and have to take – heavy shudder – public transit?
Because, frankly, if none of these things happen, I think I probably can afford to miss this season premier!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
Just Don’t Ask Whom He Spilled His Coffee On – Or Where!
Prime Minister Stephen Harper looked almost human at a Tim Horton’s in Oakville this week. He chose a sour grapes cruller, which he kept smashing into his cheek.
“Ah, yep,” said Conservative Party spokesweasel Lindor Hegemon. “I know how that must look. But, understand, we’ve come a long way from the days when Stephen used to rub doughnuts into his eyeballs. He’s really trying to look human, you have to give him that, and, anyway, we figure he should have this whole ‘eating’ thing down in a couple of…let’s say months just to be on the safe side.”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ocda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b342cc48ec]
Actually, He Fled The US Before He Could Serve His Time, But Hollywood Never Did Allow The Facts To Get In The Way Of A Good Story
“Whatever you think about the so-called crime, Polanski has served his time… I hope the US government acts swiftly because filmmakers are looking for justice to be properly served.”
– famed criminal lawyer Harvey Weinstein
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
Canada Needs To Get Out More
A suspect in an American terror plot has a Canadian connection: he was a fan of Degrassi: The Next Generation. Najibullah Zazi, the Afghan accused of plotting to plant terrorist bombs in New York, referred to several Degrassi characters in emails with his family: five years later, he was still stunned by Marco and Dylan’s kiss, and he didn’t think much of the plotline where Manny gets drunk and is videotaped topless.
“This proves nothing,” said legal expert Anton D. Busey. “Kevin Smith is a huge Degrassi fan, and he has never had any connection to terrorism…not counting Dogma, of course…”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
One Barbie That’s Not Good For Shrimps
Universal Pictures has won the right to create a feature-length film about Barbie. No word, yet, on whether the living doll’s inhuman figure will be accomplished through makeup and prosthetics or CGI.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/09/23/barbieorbust/]
The Rare Elephant In The Room You Can’t Get To Shut Up
Going Rogue: An American Life
Lynn Vincent, with Sarah Palin (or, is it the other way around?)
Random House
400 pages
Sarah Palin was contracted to write a 600 page book, but she quit with a third yet to be completed. “I think it will be better for the people of Random House,” Palin explained. “Besides, I would like to pursue other options.”
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.42.12/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3521]
While They’re At It, Could They Clarify Our Past Goals There?
“What’s next for Canada in Afghanistan?
As the clock ticks toward the withdrawal of combat troops, a Manley-style panel could help our country clarify its future goals there”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1344532738]