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The Daily Me Staff
Like Father, Like…Stunned
In an opinion piece that has been wildly derided as “The weirdest piece of sophistry since Kierkegaard warned Kant that if he didn’t stop hogging all the bean dip, he would turn into a blind wombat,” Donald Trump, Jr. wrote that, “To not be heartless and despicable to immigrants is heartless and despicable.”
Blinking furiously, Trump, Jr. responded to the criticism, “I don’t believe it! My dad says shit like this all the time, and people love him! This is so unfair! So unfair!”
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly warned Trump, Jr. that if he didn’t stop stamping his little feet, he would be sent to his room without dinner.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Which Just Goes To Prove That While You Can Buck-a-beer, You Can’t Buck-an-ear
MODERATOR: To debate the value of Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s buck-a-beer policy, we have Stuart Tudors-Downey, an unemployed steelworker, and Antoine Braque-Braque, a professor of political economy at the University of Upsidedown. It’s in Alberta. Look it up if you don’t believe me. (pause) Ahem. Gentlemen, what are your impressions of the policy?
STUART TUDORS-DOWNEY: Well, obviously, it plays on the Premier’s expectation that his working class base is going to go for a cheap stunt rather than meaningful economic change. I think we would be better served by a living minimum wage, stronger labour laws and the like.
MODERATOR: I see. And, Professor Braque-Braque?
ANTOINE BRAQUE-BRAQUE: (shouting) Gaaaiiiiieeee! Lizards! LIZARDS! LIZARDS!
MODERATOR: Umm…could you perhaps elaborate on that point, because I’m not sure what –
BRAQUE-BRAQUE: (shouting) Little green bastards are everywhere! Eww! Get them off me! Get them of – ooph! –
TUDORS-DOWNEY: He, umm, seems to have fallen out of his chair…
BRAQUE-BRAQUE: Fine. I’m fine. I just – aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Why do they make chairs so [BLEEP]ing high‽
Moderator nods off-camera. A young woman wearing a headset walks into frame and helps Braque-Braque get back into his seat.
MODERATOR: Mister Tudors-Downey, many people say that the ability to buy beer for a dollar a bottle is a harmless enough diversion, and that you should, and I quote, “lighten up you miserable sod.” How do you respond to this?
TUDORS-DOWNEY: It’s bread and circuses, isn’t it? A means to distract the public from the real issues that affect our everyday lives. Except, the bread has been fermented and the circus is at Queen’s Park.
MODERATOR: I see. Braque-Braque, how do you respond to this?
BRAQUE-BRAQUE: (smugly) I slept with his wife. (points shakily at Tudors-Downey)
TUDORS-DOWNEY: That…that’s not possible.
BRAQUE-BRAQUE: That’s what she said! Ha!
TUDORS-DOWNEY: I…I’m not married…
MODERATOR: (aside) I need a drink!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Back In The Day, He Was All The Rampage
Canadian punk pioneer Randy Rampage (who was sometimes known as Randall Desmond Archibald, has died at the age of 58 of a heart attack. You could say he was DOA…
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Translating From Bureaucratese To English Can Be A Tricky Process
“Preliminary aggregate statistics for the 2017 tax year are broadly indicative of a substantial rebound in taxable income reported by high-income taxpayers, but it is too early to quantify this effect.”
– statement by Ministry of Finance spokesperson Pierre-Olivier Herbert
“Rich people feel that they are being taxed more, but we don’t have the evidence to tell if this is true or not.”
– translation of the statement by Ministry of Finance spokesperson Pierre-Olivier Herbert
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=597&dir=bb]
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Wash. Rinse. Defeat.
Defending President Trump’s position on NAFTA, White House spokeshrill Sarah Huckabee-Sanders claimed that he had based his negotiating stance on a close reading of the text of the entire agreement.
When pressed, she admitted that, yeah, okay, he probably didn’t read the entire text, but he did read a lot of it. When pressed about what constitutes “a lot,” Huckabee-Sanders allowed that he would read the executive summary.
But, would he read even that? Huckabee-Sanders admitted that he probably wouldn’t read the executive summary himself, he would have Jared Kushner read it to him. The whole executive summary? Well, okay, yeah, Jared would probably start to read the executive summary of the trade agreement to the President, but he would get bored after a couple of sentences, take out his phone and start to tweet something.
When pressed about what qualified the president to make decisions about NAFTA, Huckabee-Sanders claimed that his gut was well informed on the subject, having made a close reading of the text of the entire agreement. The entire text? Really?
Well…
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2018Sep01.html]
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You Know You’re In Trouble When Your Press Release Reads: “We Vigorously Deny The Allega – BZZZZENN ZAZAZAZAAZA PFFFT!
How can you tell that BrightPath Early Learning, Inc. is eager to expand in Ontario now that the provincial government has loosened regulations for private daycare providers? The company is drooling.
“That’sssh ridiculousssh,” the company insisted, wiping its mouth with its sleeve. “We’re not drooling.”
When we pointed out that the computer on its desk appeared to be smoking from an electrical short, the company muttered, “Ssshtupid defective technologsshy!”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=962&dir=bb]
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