Thank you, Oswald Onionpacker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, to celebrate Canada Day, we went to Timmie’s to get their special celebratory doughnut. Because what could be more patriotic than scarfing down far more calories than you need in the form of your national flag? We couldn’t think of anything. Not that we tried very hard – we were trying to make the most of our long weekend, thank you very much.
Unfortunately, the day was brutally hot, and by the time we got the pastry home, it looked like this:
And, we thought about the West hungering for Prime Minister Trudeau’s blood because…he didn’t support the TransCanada pipeline fast enough or something. And, Doug Ford becoming Premier of Ontario. And, Stephen Harper meeting with high level Trump administration officials…because he can. And, we thought, Yeah. That’s actually a good representation of the state of the nation! Thank you, Timmie’s!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
What Do They Drink Of England, Who Only England Drink?
JD Wetherspoon, a UK chain of pubs, will stop serving French Champagne, Italian Prosecco and German wheat beers before Britain leaves the European Union. The company claims that it is doing this in order to support British industry.
“Yeeeeaaaah! British industry! Woot woot woot!” shouted unemployed middle shelf carpenter and noted British yobbo Mick Blount. “Let’s stick it to those snail-loving, greasy, fascist foreigners! Gooooooooooo England!”
Oh, wait. Another consideration in JD Wetherspoon’s decision to drop European alcohol and focus more on domestic is that England could lose the ability to trade with other European nations tariff-free when it leaves the EU. That would make foreign alcohol more expensive to serve.
When I told this to Blount, he stared, blank-eyed at me for several seconds. Finally, he responded, “Yeeeeaaaah! British industry! Woot woot woot! Let’s stick it to those cheese eating, garlic-smelling, fascist foreigners! Gooooooooooo England!”
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2018/jun/25/big-beer-small-beer]
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No Joke
Why are Hollywood comedies doing so poorly at the box office these days? Could it be because their scripts suck?
“No, no, no, no, no,” said Esteban Arribe, spokesperson for a screenwriters’ lobby group called Laughing Matters. “It’s because superhero movies, some of which contain humour, are sucking all of the oxygen out of the market.”
But, the situation wouldn’t be so bad if the comedies were funnier.
“No!” Arribe insisted. “Competition from Netflix and YouTube has eroded our audience.”
That competition doesn’t seem to have harmed superhero franchises. Would you consider the possibility that Hollywood comedies need sharper writing?
Arribe’s eyes narrowed. “You think this is funny?” he protested.
No! That’s the problem!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0120900/]
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Mind The Non-GAAP
Some of Canada’s biggest institutional investors are concerned about the increased use of adjusted and inconsistent measures of financial results.
Wobbly Decimal Accounting, for example, moves the decimal to the left when calculating net revenues for tax purposes, but to the right when calculating net revenue for purposes of executive compensation. This would tend to underestimate the amount of taxes the company owes the government while overestimating the value of executive bonuses.
Or, take Dream Interpretation Accounting. Using this system, dreaming of goats means claiming depreciation of assets at twice the current rate, while dreaming of flying means the revenue generated in the third quarter should be moved to a numbered offshore account and claimed as an expense. Tax experts are divided on what dreams of eating rainbows and pooping sunshine mean.
“In the 1980s about 50 per cent of the numbers we would see are unaudited, non-GAAP [General Accepted Accounting Principles],” said Gordon Fyfe, Chief Executive Officer of British Columbia Investment Management Corporation. “Today, that’s approaching 90 per cent. And, the flakiness of some of the new accounting principles? We’re not talking cherry pie just out of the oven, either! We’re talking about a what the hell were you thinking response. Oh, the flakiness!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20180626.eladvote0626_@/BNStory/newsOops2018/]
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Nobody Clapped Because There Were No Cheaper Seats
In his swearing in ceremony, Ontario Premier Doug Ford said, “We will never forget the trust you have put in us. We will never forget who put us here and who we are accountable to.”
To show their approval, the thousand VIPs invited to the event rattled their jewellery.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=2088591831813&call_pageid=068335278492&col=168666972154]
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Face With The Left Cheek, Smite With The Right
This Week in Demagoguery
In Philippines, President Rodrigo Duterte questioned why God created Adam and Eve only to allow them to succumb to the temptation of eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge, leading to humanity’s downfall. “Who is this stupid God? This son of a bitch is then really stupid,” Duterte explained.
Horrified by this blasphemy, Catholic Bishop Arturo Bastes responded, “Duterte’s tirade against God and the Bible reveals again that he is a psychological freak, a psychopath, an abnormal mind who should have not been elected president of our civilized and Christian nation.”
Apparently, in Philippines, the faithful turn the other cheek in order to better wind up and deck their enemies.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Some Imaginary Metaphorical Constructs Don’t Don Messer Around
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has cancelled its afternoon business show On the Money, claiming that it can no longer afford to air the series.
The Absurd Ironyometer misses Don Messer’s Jubilee.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Gives New Meaning To The Phrase, “Hit The Deck!”
As police services in western provinces face pressure to end the practice of randomly punching people in the face on the street and leaving playing cards on their prone, sometimes moaning, sometimes unconscious bodies, an Ontario police chief has blamed the controversy for a rise in violent crime.
“This [curtailment of carding] has empowered criminals, who think officers won’t stop and punch them in the face,” claimed Peel Police Chief Jennifer Evans. “They now are more confident that they will get away with carrying guns and knives while maintaining their movie star good looks.”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=539256]
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Dangerous Consistency
Famed science fiction author Harlan Ellison has died at the age of 84. Soon after, the author of A Boy And His Dog and editor of the Dangerous Visions series released a video in which he said, in part, “Don’t die unless you’re getting paid. Only an idiot dies without getting paid! Do you consider yourself a professional corpse? If so, then you have to get paid for it!”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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