Thank you, Orrin Oddmentpicker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we had the most terrifying experience. We were repeatedly punched in the back. Strobe lights were randomly flashed at us. The seats we were in were shaken, sometimes violently. If it looked like our attention was starting to wander, water was splashed in our faces.
We tell you: the next time we go to see Ant-Man and the Wasp, it won’t be in 4-D!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You Would Have Thought It Was The Ultimate Motherhood Issue
Among the many international policies that the Trump Administration opposes, one that has gotten the least attention is: breastfeeding.
When the World Health Organization proposed a resolution to “protect, promote and support breastfeeding,” the US delegation threatened the sponsoring government with punishing trade measures and reduced military aid. When Russia stepped up to sponsor the measure, the American government mused about withdrawing from WHO, a move which would cut its budget by 15 per cent.
“Don’t get me wrong – I love women’s breasts,” President Trump declared. “They’re soft and squishy and feel really good in my hands. But, feeding children? I’m sorry, but everybody knows that’s just not what they’re made for!”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Right Wing Populists Live In Their Own Bubble, And Some Of Them Think They’re Cards, So…
The Doug Ford government of Ontario has hit pause on the implementation of the previous government’s anti-ticket-scalping legislation, refusing to enforce a price cap on resold tickets of 150 per cent of face value. Ticket vendors and marketplaces such as Ticketmaster and StubHub rejoiced; they had long expressed frustration that the price caps would cut into their profi – they mean, be difficult to enforce.
Difficult to enforce. Because writing three lines of code limiting one number to be no greater than one and a half times a second number is beyond modern computer programmers? Seriously? Do we have to go back to bubble cards to make this policy work?
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/07/07/509727.html]
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People Whose Living Rooms Aren’t In 4-D?
Cineplex is partnering with Uber Eats to deliver concession stand food to people in their homes. The service to get popcorn, hot dogs, candy, nachos and soft drinks will be rolled out in 60 communities across Canada.
Because, who doesn’t want overpriced junk food from a movie theatre without actually, you know, having to go through the inconvenience of watching a movie?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Stop Spreading The News
All 18 members of Congress from the state of Illinois have joined a growing number of critics of US tariffs against Canadian newsprint, claiming the duties are jeopardizing American newspapers, which are already struggling to stay economically viable.
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!” President Trump enthusiastically responded. “You mean to tell me that we can stick it to that backstabbing Petit Justin and damage the fake news media? I call that a twofer! Hunh? Right? A twofer!”
“We, umm, may need to reconsider our approach,” admitted Democratic Representative Cheri Bustos.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/majunder-fitzpatrick1.html]
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Vicious Circling The Triangle
Are the dots big enough for you yet?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=958&dir=bb]
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They Grow Them Tough In Maryland
According to a recent poll, 39 per cent of Canadians apologize “at least daily,” with 18 per cent reporting that they apologize hourly.
This is in marked contrast to our neighbours to the south. When asked the same question, 87 per cent of Americans replied, “Apologize? [BLEEP] that action! I ain’t done shit! I ain’t apologizing for shit! Whadya think I am? A [BLEEP]ing Canadian?”
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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You Can’t Say The Man Is Not A Visionary
Where Most People See A Dire International Threat, He Sees A Development Opportunity
“[North Koreans] have great beaches. You see that whenever they’re exploding their cannons into the ocean, right? I said, ‘Boy, look at that view. Wouldn’t that make a great condo?”
– US President Donald Trump
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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If You Go To Provincial Fundraisers, It’s Kind Of Hard To Avoid
The Doug Ford government of Ontario has put out the green light on the implementation of the previous government’s anti-vaping rules. How is putting a policy on “pause” different from cancelling it outright?
“Very different,” Ford spokesagitator Simon Jeffries claimed. “If you cancel something, people will protest. If you put something on pause, nobody can complain because you can hold out the possibility that you will begin implementing the policy once again at any time. In a perfect world, people will forget that the policy had ever been put into place, and you can quietly strangle it in its crib with no complaints. You see? Couldn’t be more different!”
But isn’t that dishonest? Jeffries gave us a tsk tsk look and asked, “Have you ever met Queen’s Park?”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2016/07/07/509727.html]
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Apparently, They Grow Them Tougher In Manitoba
According to Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “We’ve been very nice to Canada for many years, and they have taken advantage of that.”
When asked how the United States had been nice to Canada, Huckabee Sanders explained, “When they elected leaders that we didn’t like, we didn’t start armin’ insurrectionary forces tuh overthrow their government. Ah think that shows admirable restraint on our part.”
When asked how Canada had taken advantage of what she perceived as American niceness, Huckabee Sanders argued, “Wuhl, look. They send their artists over here tuh take over our film and television industries, puttin’ thousands of hard-workin’ Americans out o’ jobs. It’s invidiness. Insidoutious. It’s invidit – sneaky, okay? It’s sneaky!”
When asked how she could sleep at night, Huckabee Sanders answered, “Ah fahnd a couple o’ Valium go down real smooth…”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=34ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a012]
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Confused By England’s Brexit Strategy? Don’t Be. It’s Really Very Simple…
And, Umm, We’ll Explain It Just As Soon As We’ve Figured It Out
David Davis, Britain’s Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, has quit. The reason? Prime Minister Theresa May had just gotten cabinet approval for a plan to keep close ties with the EU; Davis believed that a clean break was the best path forward.
“It’s a shame he quit,” the Prime Minister commented. “Now that he has proven how good he is at leaving things, our position would have been much better if he had stayed!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/
s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=90050]
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