Thank you, Orinoco Flo, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we imagined what it would be like in Abu Ghraib prison. The long nights away from home. The boredom. The ennui. Then, inspired, we left the office and roamed the streets looking for somebody to waterboard.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Who Rates The Ratermen?
The Family Friendly Rating System
The FFRS was developed by the Family Friendly Council, a Christian lobby group created to promote “family values.” The FFRS Web site is bright and pithy, with many stills from the most offensive movies; it would have rated higher on the graphics and design scale if it didn’t use so much darn Flash. Somebody should let them know this isn’t 2003 any more!
The creators of the site argue that movies like Lie With Me, with its graphic depictions of interracial sex, signal the End Times. The only reason it didn’t get a perfect score on the hysteria scale is that, unlike abortion doctors, it doesn’t advocate the murder of controversial film directors.
The FFRS Web site scores low on internal consistency for the usual reasons: although it harshly condemns the slightest bit of nudity, it is far more tolerant of violent content, which is arguably more harmful to society. The fact that its negative review of Lie With Me contains eight stills from the film also suggests that the people who designed the site haven’t thoroughly thought their agenda through. Right now, strapping young Christian men are using the FFRS Web site to get their jollies while explaining to their parents that they’re actually using it to learn what movies to avoid.
Something’s just not right about that.
SOURCE: Focus Against the Family
http://www.jackedinonline.com/ratingssystems/ratingssystems/a0002443.cfm
Deconstructing Self-destruction
FEDERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN, DAY ONE
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER ANNOUNCED: If elected, the Conservative Party will allow an open vote in the House of Commons on gay marriage.
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER MEANT: I’m just playing to my base. Hey, it worked for George W. Bush. What do you mean, he has a bigger base than I do?
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER SAID BEHIND CLOSED DOORS: During the campaign, candidates and other members of the Conservative Party should refrain from saying anything that could be construed as the least bit bigoted, lest the entire Party be written off by progressive electors.
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER APPARENTLY MEANT: That’s my job.
FEDERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN, DAY TWO
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER ANNOUNCED: If elected, the Conservative Party will appoint a corruption prosecutor, a permanent independent watchdog.
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER MEANT: You better believe I’m going to play the corruption card every chance I get. And I’m not just going to harp on problems – I’m going to offer solutions…even if there is no basis for them in Canadian law and nobody, including members of my own party, understands what they mean.
FEDERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN, DAY THREE
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER ANNOUNCED: His previous comments about people on the East coat succumbing to defeatism were taken out of context, but he’s sorry that they were misunderstood.
WHAT STEPHEN HARPER MEANT: His previous comments about people on the East coat succumbing to defeatism were taken out of context, but he’s sorry that they were misunderstood. Unfortunately.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=287&dir=bb
It’s Like Closing The Barn Door After You’ve Sold The Horse For Glue
Microsoft is going to sell security software to users of its operating systems? That’s like…like Nestle selling toothpaste to people who eat its chocolates! It’s like the nuclear generating station at Three Mile Island selling its customers bomb shelters! It’s like…like…
Sigh… Okay, where do I sign up?
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/051201/geeklynews/01lucinda.htm
Boom Shack Alack
Conrad Black
Wants his citizenship back
But we shouldn’t let him
He left us “clucks”
With his gazillion bucks –
Better to just forget him
Conrad Black
Couldn’t help but attack
The country that had made him
Despite his dubious charms
We’ll not open welcome him with open arms
Nor will we serenade him
Conrad Black
That journalistic hack
He’s such a fickle Lord, him
Despite his clout
He’ll never figure out
Why Canadians abhorred him
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
After This, The Middle East Should Be A Piece Of Cake
Détente has apparently broken out between Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman. The two camps had been in negotiations for several years – the breakthrough came when Letterman agreed to stop making jokes about Winfrey’s weight.
The cause of the hostilities between the two talk show giants is shrouded in mystery. It is believed to have been started by an errant joke, but since each side claims that the joke was told by the other side, there is now no way of knowing who is to blame. And, perhaps that’s beside the point. Before anybody really understood what was happening, comedic hostilities had escalated to the point where both sides were rumoured to be seriously contemplating using the “nuclear option:” buying the network and canceling the other host’s show.
“This a great day for television talk shows!” exclaimed Herbert Q. Frump of no fixed address. “Spare a quarter for a cup of coffee?”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smg2005/2005/11/30/lenoarmedbothsides
I’ve Said It Before And I’ll Say It Again: Comedy Should Be Left To The Professionals
Michael Ignatieff, one man who definitely knows his parachute is Liberal red, stated that his comment that if he didn’t win a seat in Parliament in the current election, he would go back to teaching at Harvard was a joke.
Oh, really? Then how come the only people who are laughing are Etobicoke-Lakeshore Conservatives?
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Move Along, People, Move Along! No News Value Here!
A recent study shows that age was a bigger factor in who died during Hurricane Katrina than race. You may wonder why economic factors weren’t studied at the same time, but the answer is simple enough: everybody knows that if you can’t take it with you, you will do everything in your power to make sure you keep it longer.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
A Shining Example For Future Degenerations
The degeneration of the Bush message, as reflected in the banners behind his speeches:
“Mission accomplished.” (2003)
“Plan for Victory” (2005)
“Hope to Get Out with Our Skins” (2007)
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=288&dir=bb
You Donut Have To Tell Me
A recent study has revealed that Canadians drink twice as much coffee per capita than the international average. This should come as no surprise: after all, we’ve gotta wash down all those donuts with something!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Oh, You Meant That Secret Panel Convened By The Vice President!
How can you tell when an oil executive is lying? He’s speaking before a Congressional committee.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue