Thank you, Okoye Noodleman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about a glitch in the huge ring-shaped office filled with transparent walls which is the centrepiece of Apple Inc.’s new headquarters: people who worked there kept walking into the walls. Now, we like bad physical comedy as much as the next daily personalized round-up of news, but we can see as how this would reduce productivity in the office. And, people might get hurt. Would probably get hurt. Were definitely getting hurt. So, we thought we’d help a fellow corporate behemoth out and come up with a solution to Apple’s problem. Fortunately, a simple one came immediately to mind.
Silhouettes! Paste life-sized black outlines of tax auditors and obnoxious teenagers holding skateboards on them, and nobody will go near those panes of glass! If they are concerned about ruining the aesthetic of the building, they can always buy some works by Michael Snow.
Doesn’t work for you? Okay, how about this: build sensors into everybody’s ID badges that recognize sensors built into the glass. The badges can be programmed to play a tune chosen by the wearer as they approach the glass, getting louder…louder…loud – oh, man, if you can’t be deterred by a loud noise in your ear, you deserve to pay your own hospital bills! What? You don’t like that idea, either?
Well…we’ll bet Steve Jobs would have been more open-minded…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Adding Fuel To The – YAWN! – Fire
To punish Delta Airlines for its decision to stop offering discounts to NRA members in the aftermath of the shooting massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, the Georgia state legislature has removed a tax bill provision that would have given the airline a $40 million break. The bill would have cut taxes on jet fuel.
However, the joke is on the Georgia government. The tax break it actually rescinded was on coffee, which is also known as “jet fuel.” This is expected to have an adverse effect on many Georgia businesses which rely on staffers pulling all-nighters to complete their assigned tasks.
“Why would – yawn – the government – yawn – oh! Excuse me – government do that to – yawn – harrumph – umph – us?” asked a computer programmer who seemed to be named Seyawn Philumphyawnpotts.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB11057339497114294,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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Noooooobody Expects The Pathetic Puppies!
Or, Truth Be Told, Wants Them To Show Up…
Alex Garland’s new film Annihilation is just Andrei Tarkovsky’s Stalker with fewer long takes and five female leads instead of three male leads. Women dominating a brainy sci fi flick? Where are the Pathetic Puppies when you need them‽
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt2208760/]
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Better Polish Up Your Political Rationalizations
A new Polish law makes it a crime to use terms such as “Polish concentration camps” or “Polish death camps” to describe concentration camps on Polish soil during World War II. The preferred term of the Polish government is “Nazi death camps on Polish territory that may have had the enthusiastic cooperation of a small number of our citizens and the tacit acceptance of a much larger segment of our population but in no way represented the Polish people as a whole, and don’t you ever forget it or say otherwise.”
“I’m all for historical accuracy,” said historian Niall Ferguson, “but, unless we’re paid by the word, I don’t know of any historian who would use that description!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s159/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=78274]
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Scheer Heart Attack
The Conservative Party of Canada has condemned Prime Minister Trudeau’s trip to India. “It had nothing to do with Canada’s interests or international diplomacy,” complained Conservative leader Andrew Scheer. “It was more about pandering to a minority to secure their votes in the next election.”
While making a lot of sense, Scheer undercut his message by adding, “Oh, since I have your attention, would you like to hear what the Conservative Party’s position is on moving the Canadian embassy in Israel to Jerusalem?”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2016/03/02/509727.html]
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Life Imitates Art
Art Responds By Serving Life With A Copyright Infringement Suit
Paramount Network has announced that it will delay airing a TV version of the 1988 film Heathers out of respect for victims and loved ones of the shooting at a Florida high school that left 17 dead. Yeeeeaaaah. Given the prevalence of high school shootings in America, the network may as well dump the series about a plot to kill the cool kids in a fictional high school straight to video!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2018/2018/02/27/airinggrievancess/]
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If You Think That’s Confusing, Imagine How The Planet Feels!
A monument to China’s efforts to wean itself from coal rises on the outskirts of this village deep in the heart of the nation’s coal country. The Ruhr has produced coal since the 16th century, and it shaped modern Germany in the process.
“Defend blue sky and breathe together,” an exhortation painted on the brick wall surrounding the lot says. “Manage haze and work together.” The AfD’s “pro-worker” platform (“Pro-coal, pro-diesel and anti-immigration,” as Mr. Rell puts it) resonates in Bottrop as well as on the factory floors of Germany’s car-makers in the former east and the wealthy south of the country.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Making Hate Fashionable Again
White sheets have been the height of fashion for the Ku Klux Klan for a century – almost as long as many current members have been alive. Yet, there have always been problems with them. Once you got blood on your sheets, for example, you might as well dye them red and use them on your kitchen table, because that shit never comes out. And, there was the perennial question of whether or not it was acceptable to wear white after Labour Day.
Today’s fashionable fascist has updated his wardrobe. White sheets are out. Polo shirts and khaki trousers are in. And, those thin black belts? In an emergency – like a race war, or crowded public transit – they could be used as garrotes.
“It was hard attracting new members with the old look,” said a representative of the Alabama KKK who only identified himself as The Fierce Fascist. “Young people who liked our political analysis felt that the sheets were…fusty. It reminded them too much of their parents, which turned them off. With our new look, recruiting has been sooooooo much easier!”
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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