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DAMMIT!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Life Zucks
ANTHONY MASON: I’m talking to Facebook bazillionaire Mark Zuckerberg, who has announced that he will be giving $46 billion – almost his entire fortune, to charity.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: What can I say? I want to give something back to the community, the country that has been so good tome.
MASON: That’s commendable. What charity will benefit from your wonderful, wonderful generosity?
ZUCKERBERG: Actually, I’m starting my own charity to administer the funds.
MASON: Oh. Okay. How will the cash –
ZUCKERBERG: Are you kidding? I don’t have that kind of cash! The charity will get my stocks.
MASON: Okay. Right. What projects will you be funding?
ZUCKERBERG: Right away? None. For one thing, we’ll need to set up the organization. For another thing, the funds will be doled out to my charity over a period of decades.
MASON: Decades?
ZUCKERBERG: Yeah. You know. Thirty, maybe 40 years.
MASON: Oh. Right. So, in the meantime, you’ll be paying taxes on the income you’ll be making from the stocks…right?
ZUCKERBERG: Yeah – no. One of the benefits of creating my charity is to minimize my tax profile.
MASON: So, you get to choose what you’re going to fund and by how much each year, but you don’t pay any taxes to fund common social goals while you do?
ZUCKERBERG: You have a problem with that?
MASON: Well…
ZUCKERBERG: Hunh! People can be so ungrateful!
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2015/11/21/money/main542815.shtml]
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It’s Five am And Allah’s Well
After trials that made a mockery of justice, this group beheaded at least 157 people in 2015. Many of their victims were killed because of their religious beliefs. Yet nothing is being done about these bloodthirsty, immoral, dangerous people. Why?
Saudi Arabia’s ruling elite supplies the United States with a large amount of its energy.
“That was our mistake!” IS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi exclaimed, hitting his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Not being born with resource wealth! When I am martyred, I must be sure to talk to Allah about this oversight!”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016Jan04.html]
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Half Court La Presse
La Presse, the 131 year-old Quebec newspaper, has announced that it will stop publishing weekday editions.
“I’m looking forward to the end of the print edition, because, for me, it will mean that our project to cross over to the tablet edition has been a success,” said La Presse deputy publisher Eric Trottier.
When he got home that evening, Trottier greeted his wife with: “I’m looking forward to starting dinner, because, for me, it will mean that our project to eat something has been a success.”
Later that evening, he told his wife: “I’m looking forward to the start of intercourse with you, because, for me, it will mean that our project to have intense physical intimacy has been a success.”
Readers believe it is some kind of compulsive speech problem.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/smith-jones1.html]
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You May Be A Big Fan Of The Gang Of Four, But That Doesn’t Mean That You Should Take Their Song Literally!
Officials in Brussels are investigating accounts of an alcohol-fueled “orgy” at a police station while the city was nearly shut down over fears of a terrorist attack.
“Well,” said a man who asked to be identified only as “Staff Sergeant Lulu,” “we thought it was the end of the world. At moments like that, distinctions like ‘criminal’ and ‘copper’ don’t seem to matter as much as ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ do!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPRFIRMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeQ.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeQeDQ/s119/
Os/14/e7DUeQeDQ.ZvwF!2iG3jimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=54685]
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You’ve Been Sold A Bill Of Goods, O Generous And Kind-hearted Foreigner
How do you know Bill Murray has become some kind of secular saint? Owners of bottles containing fingers sold in markets all over Istanbul claim that the digits belong to the American comedy actor.
“Yes, yes, absolutely, this is the third finger of Bill Murray’s right hand,” enthused Mohinder Mahabarata, a street vendor of no fixed sanity. “I got it from a wanderer in the desert who swears he got it from a Sufi mystic who swore to him that he got it from a reporter for the LA Times. You see? Very authentic!”
I asked Mahabarata how it was possible for him to have one of Bill Murray’s fingers when recent photographs of the actor clearly show that he has all ten digits. Mahabarata tapped his nose a couple of times – “The sand makes it very itchy!” – and said, “Do not be so naïve, my friend. You know how easily digital images can be manipulated!”
Trying not to be so naïve, I asked further what I should make of the dozens of other vendors around the city who claimed to be selling a finger of Bill Murray, given that there could only ever be, at most, ten of them. “Charlatans!” Mahabarata roared. “Charlatans trying to take advantage of a generous and kind-hearted foreigner!” He spat on the ground to emphasize his point.
Lucky for me I never cared much for those shoes.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1898041597435]
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Good Thing Global Warming Is A Myth – I’d Hate To Imagine What Shape The World Would Be In If It Wasn’t!
“Glaciers’ Melt Endangers Asia’s Water Supply”
– New York Times
“Drought Turns Iran Into Wasteland
70 Percent of the Groundwater Has Disappeared”
– New York Times
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1086547132]
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Don’t Go Into The Movie Theatre – It’s A Zoolander In There!
Transgender activists have been picketing Ben Stiller’s new film, Zoolander 2, because of what they claim is a shallow, unrealistic transgender character played by Benedict Cumberbatch. In response, a lot of straight white males have vowed to see the film as many times as it takes until the protests stop.
“Yeah,” said Alabama filmgoer Bubba Balooey, “I’m not gonna let any [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [DEROGATORY TERM DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] tell me what I can and cannot watch!”
Is Balooey right, though? The DMZ Web site has reported that the pickets were actually a ploy to lure straight white males into theatres to watch a film about a pair of ambiguously sexual male fashion models. “Wha – no. No, that’s not…that’s not…” picket organizer Monikkaa Permberton (nee: Charlleesss) tried to argued, but instead descended into a fifteen minute giggling fit.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/01/13/zoowhosweetiepie/]
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