Thank you, Obelix, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. So, we were thinking? About making the alien invasion of our office freakout, like, an annual affair? But, then, like, we were told that that was soooooo cliched and we would have to come up with some, like, new ways to disrupt the Zen of the Daily Me opening paragraph? So, we were bummed. And, like, so was Zeeblefrort, who had the transdimensional fleet on red alert. Oh, well. Maybe, like, next year?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I’ll Have To Talk To My Union Rep About This
Lawyers for convicted felons Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb are suggesting that they be allowed to lecture to university students as an alternative to spending time in jail.
So, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Drabinsky and Gottlieb were convicted of large-scale, breach of trust fraud, and, as punishment, THEY SHOULD BE GIVEN MY JOB?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
Bell: Reach Out And Throttle Someone
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Claiming better service for their customers, the telcos and cablecos have argued that they are not doing anything wrong.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
\[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/090706/geeklynews/01melina.htm]
All Art Is Local
Thika, Toka, Iringa and Tara made their way to the body of Tessa, who had died at the age of 40. Sad to think that an elephant will probably have more mourners at her funeral than you wi –
MICHAEL JACKSON ALERT! MICHAEL JACKSON ALERT! MICHAEL JACKSON ALERT!
The memorial service for Michael Jackson was held on Tuesday. Family members temporarily put aside their battles for control of his estate long enough to talk about what a huge influence he was on popular music. Friends who did little or nothing to stop Jackson’s most self-destructive habits talked about how much they will miss him. People who hadn’t actually listened to his music in a decade called themselves his biggest fans and contributed to the sorrowful vibe at the Staples Centre. And, of course, the press that has spent the last two decades creating an image of Jackson as a human freak covered the memorial with the utmost tact and respect. It was the most emotional event since –
WE INTERRUPT THIS OBITUARY INTERRUPTION WITH MORE BREAKING DEATH NEWS! Popular CFNY DJ Martin Streek was found dead in his apartment yesterday, an apparent suicide. Now who will teach the children that “the best band of all time” was The Clash?
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
But, What About Readers Who Are Into Plant Eating Semi-aquatic Mammal Sex?
Dear Arlecchino Style Guru,
I’m in the middle of writing my third novel for you, Hot Throbbing Love Hansom. Of course, it’s historical romance. I’m up to the scene where Melinda Cathcart has finally agreed to go to bed with Hank “Steel” Ironsides. My problem is one of phrasing: should I write about “her vast wetness” or “her wet vastness?”
Meg Ruffalo
Dear Meg,
Go with the first one. Her vast wetness expands your character’s sexuality until it seems to encompass the entire universe. Her wet vastness, on the other hand, makes your character sound like a great, wallowing hippo.
SOURCE: Arlecchino Enterprises
[http://www.earlecchino.com/q2_book_detail.jhtml?LISTID=1095&MESSID=80069]
Probably Not Any Better Written, Though
James Frey is reported to be working on a series of science fiction novels. They appear to be about how he, as captain of the Star Ship Disingenuous, saves the Earth from an invasion by a race of alien lizard people. Those who have seen the outline he sent to the publisher, HarperCollins, say it is more credible than his bestselling fictional biography A Million Little Pieces.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.99/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
Ignorance Is Knowledge
The Conservatives have quietly removed a section of the government’s Web site that described Canada’s acceptance of Vietnam war resisters from the United States.
Government spokesman Winston Smith stated, “There was never such a Web page because Canada never accepted war resisters from the United States. And, if you have such a page cached somewhere, you should immediately report it to Big Bro – I mean, the Ministry of Information, because you are likely the victim of a hoax.”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
I’m Sure The Transvestites’ Image Inflamed A Lot Of People, Some In A Good Way, Others Not So Much
“The pro-life and the pro-family community should know and understand that the tourism funding money that went to the gay pride parade in Toronto was not government policy, was not supported by – I think it’s safe to say by a large majority – of the MPs.”
– Saskatchewan Conservative MP Brad Trost
“The TV shots of her [Tourism Minister Diane Ablonczy] with transvestites inflamed some people.”
– anonymous Conservative Party source
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
The End Of A McNamara
Former US Defence…Secretary Robert McNamara…oh, come on. Interrupt with a Michael Jackson update. Really. We know you want to, so let’s get it over with.
I’m waiting.
No? Okay. Former US Defence Secretary Robert McNamara, one of the main architects of the Vietnam War, has died. Now, he can personally ask all of the victims of the war if it was worth –
MICHAEL JACKSON ALERT! MICHAEL JACKSON ALERT! MICHAEL JACKSON ALERT!
Michael Jackson is still dead.
Thanks for that update. Bastard.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
Can We Get A Wafer A Couple Of Days From This Nonsense?
Prime Minister Stephen Harper, attending the funeral service for former Governor General Romeo Leblanc, accepted a communion wafer from the Priest but, instead of eating it, appeared to pocket it. Catholics are up in arms because not eating the wafer is considered an insult to Christ. Evangelical Protestants are up in arms because they do not believe in communion; they say Harper should not have accepted the wafer in the first place.
Jews are concerned because the situation has nothing to do with the security needs of the State of Israel. Buddhists are suggesting that the Prime Minister needs to learn how to transcend the concept of waferness. Muslims are grateful that a news story about religion has nothing to do with them.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090707.eladvote0707_@/BNStory/newsWafer2009/]